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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

So today the children met the ow

21 replies

2018anewstart · 01/09/2019 02:03

Today my children met the ow. My xh had a four year affair with this woman, the lies he told me were pathological and he still continues to treat me like a dirt. (I now ignore his comments and rise above it) After a terrible 4 years and a horrendous divorce after I asked him to leave I can see I had a lucky escape from a bully. However today I know my children have finally met the ow. It is a horrible feeling that this stranger will now have an involvement in my childrens lives. She has also never shown any remorse for her actions. I know I just have to accept it not sure how happy kids are about it but it's life. Any positive advice on how to deal with it?

OP posts:

Sunflowers211 · 01/09/2019 02:52

Your husband had the affair, he was married to you, let's not forget that.

Jesaminecollins · 01/09/2019 03:00

I would not let your children know how you feel about this woman but I would make sure she follows your rules concerning your children or I would stop them from having any contact with her - these kind of women have no morals and I would never try to steal another woman's husband or partner. I hope she goes on to cheat on your ex in the future.

Gingerkittykat · 01/09/2019 03:15

Pick your battles, having had to deal with my kids having a stepmother I know how hard it is and I didn't have the complication of her being the OW.

Keep your boundaries firm re contact and communication with the ex, keep them child centred. Make sure you both know where you stand in terms of everything child related.

Givemealittkewan · 01/09/2019 03:31

Can only imagine how hard today was knowing your kids met her.

My only advice would be to try to send them off to his house with a smile and to be positive even when you feel anything but. Kids pick up on so much and their loyalty will be to you as their Mum.

I know my son used to feel guilty leaving me to go to his dads and I can still remember him meeting her and telling me she was really nice - cut me like a knife. However she was kind to him and never tried to be his mother. There were times that were so hard - first photo she posted of him with her on fb, congratulations on his wall for birthdays. It does eventually get easier

He's 19 now and hasn't seen either of them in 2 years - completely his choice. Now looking back I'm so glad I hid my feelings and sent him off with a happy heart even when it was killing me inside.

NorthernSpirit · 01/09/2019 06:11

@Jesaminecollins

I would make sure she follows your rules concerning your children or I would stop them from having any contact with her

= controlling.

How would you make sure she follows YOUR rules?

As for stopping contact, is that in the best interests of the children or is that because the children are weapons that can be used to punish?

Very bad advice.

FredaFrogspawn · 01/09/2019 06:17

Hard though it is, please do try to recognise anything she does to add value to your children’s lives. If you manage to hold back your obvious pain and hurt, see that potentially your children have another adult who may be there for them as they grow. Best case scenario - she may temper and recognise any faults your exh has and support the dc through the transitions between parents.

You have nothing to lose by learning to forgive her. You certainly don’t have to do so. But remember - she has the booby prize she deserves, a cheating spouse. You, on the other hand, are liberated.

Givemealittkewan · 01/09/2019 06:28

Just reading your post again and you describe your ex as a pathological liar, treats you like dirt and a bully but your biggest concern is that your children are around the OW? You aren't expecting the father of your children to show remorse but you expect her to? No doubt they both were wrong but he was in a relationship with you.

Of course it's difficult to see someone else play happy families with your (and his) children but do you have real concerns about their well being or is it hatred of the situation or her? They are very different scenarios. Is he a good Dad did you ever have concerns about their time with him before they met her?

Jesaminecollins · 01/09/2019 06:46

@NorthernSpirit

Not controlling at all - does this ow have children? does she know anything about how to look after them or deal with a medical emergency concerning one of them? If my husband had left me and his girlfriend had to care for my children I would want her to treat them well and not to let them do anything I wouldn't allow. I am just giving my opinion because luckily I haven't had to go through what the OP is having to deal with.

Sunshineandreign · 01/09/2019 06:46

Same scenario recently. Except neither me or DC where given warning and DC was told to lie to me about meeting her. This upset DC greatly.

People assume the emotions are jealousy and say things like get over it, accept it, act like you are not bothered etc.

I dont think this helps.

I think the question of the morality DC are now exposed to in duplicate is an upsetting factor. Plus it's like being forced to re- live the moment you found out again.

In my case DC dad was abusive so ow did me a favour, but the betrayal after all Id put up with still hurt.

There is no pithy two line solution beyond accepting that it's going to hurt regardless, but eventually the hurt will stop.

DC are more resilient than we are , they will adjust one way or the other and as mothers we will be there to listen.

I would suggest setting ground rules for yourself in terms of directing conversations with them about their visit. I had to tell DC I didnt need to hear about how ow was hanging of DC dads arm calling him baby all the time that I'm only interested in DC etc. just to protect myself.

Original poster

2018anewstart · 01/09/2019 06:49

Thanks for all your advice I really appreciate it. I know it will get easier this was the last hurdle to get over for me and even though it has been hard I am ok. I have been the bigger person and said to children glad you had a nice day. (Not sure they did as this was a phone conversation and i could actually hear xh telling my younger daughter what to say). My xh did not tell me he was introducing them to ow (which I know he doesn't have to) however it would have been nice if he had. I certainly would have if it was the other way round. He is also obviously telling the younger child to lie about meeting her which I don't agree with. It would be nice if in relation to the children we could discuss any matters openly and civilly but my xh refuses to speak to me and is actually downright rude on text messages and still tries to make my life as awkward as possible. I don't think he has ever got over the fact that I actually did eventually find the strength to tell him to leave and divorce him after finding out about his cheating again. I think it was a massive blow to his ego!. @fredafrogspawn I do indeed feel liberated and ow is welcome to him!

OP posts:

Sunshineandreign · 01/09/2019 06:50

protect myself to ensure I am well enough to be the best mum I can be during DC time with me.

Original poster

2018anewstart · 01/09/2019 07:14

Just want to say I definitely blame my xh as much as ow and I imagine the ow is the (slightly) nicer person. However the length of time and level of both their lies I genuinely have a very low opinion of them both and don't consider either of them to be great role models. My xh has been a useless dad and this may be the one bonus out of him introducing children to ow is that he will want to portray himself as the doting dad so he will actually start to do something with children when they are with him rather than sticking them in front of tv.

OP posts:

eve34 · 01/09/2019 07:30

I am sure you are handling it just fine. Of course it is upsetting for you. The thought of them playing happy families without you stings.

Ow was on the scene from day one here. Use to come in the car with ex to collect the children. I don't blame her. She has been lied too over and over.

I read somewhere on mn that it is like a special aunt. No one can replace mum. And that helped. All I hope for is that she is kind to the children. And looks out for them. As ex is a difficult man and needs someone to remind him how to behave etc.

Ow has no prize by her side. And I feel sorry for her now.

I find 'that's nice' covers a lot of ground when the children say something about her. I don't discourage them or speak
Negatively. And always say how lovely it is they have so many adults who care for them.

I make no fuss about how ex parents. What happens on his time. I have no right too and don't want to engage with him. The children are in his care although not to my standards it is good enough. I'm not going to get into petty battles with him.

Stay strong.

stuffedpeppers · 01/09/2019 22:13

It sucks but does get easier.
I objected to the social media comments of - how great to have our happy family together for a great day out etc.

It really was sticking the knife in. My anger was with my EX but my continued anger was at her and the absolute shite she did to my kids.

As hard as it is, if she is nice to them just be grateful. My DCs suffered and their father did not support them - thankfully he has now left her but the damage goes deep.

stuffedpeppers · 01/09/2019 22:15

It does feel like you got fucked over and then you continue to bend over and take it again and again, what ever shite they can throw at you - all for the good of the DCS.

It is tiring and I am so sick of being the bigger person.

Tyersal · 02/09/2019 07:12

@jesaminecollins unless there is a serious welfare issue then stopping the kids seeing their dad because you don't like the company he keeps our his approach to parenting is likely to land you in court

Sunshineandreign · 03/09/2019 06:09

Tyersal I find it so interesting that mothers are often forced to operate on the be the bigger person, smile and take it even though its shit vein otherwise you will end up in a court system rigged in the mans favour.
When as far as I can see the majority of times guys take it to court to continue control or hostility they've developed towards the mother, and mothers restrict contact reluctantly, fearfully and mostly when they feel it's in the childs best interest.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 03/09/2019 06:14

He is also obviously telling the younger child to lie about meeting her which I don't agree with

This is a safeguarding concern. Children need to be taught not to withhold info from parents or keep secrets. Remind him of this and tell him you will not tolerant any further attempts in future.

Tyersal · 03/09/2019 12:19

@sunshineandreign it's not interesting it's common sense not to use access to the child to get back at your ex

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/09/2019 12:48

I would never try to steal another woman's husband or partner.

You can’t ‘steal’ someone unless they want to be ‘stolen’.

Sunshineandreign · 03/09/2019 18:06

Tyersal erm I didnt say anything about getting back at your ex.

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