How much contact - 18 month old

[DivGirl]

Using an old account for this because I have no idea how to namechange.

Ex and I always had an unconventional relationship - we did not live together though I would travel (30mins each way) every day so that DS could see him. This ended at the start of the year when ex decided with very little consultation to move just about as far away as he could to a place where he knew no one. We tried long distance for a while but the relationship ended a couple of months ago. The physical distance meant I could really evaluate how unhappy the relationship had been making me.

He decided he didn't want to see DS as he had "never had any connection with him", he changed his mind a week later, changed it back the following week, then changed it again this weekend.

He's now asking that in addition to seeing DS at Christmas (when he won't have seen him at all for the pervious 9 months), he also wants video chats with him once a week. DS is 18 months.

I'm so torn on this - I don't want to block any contact but at the same time DS has never really known him. I tried so hard to get them to develop a relationship when he lived nearby but it was difficult. Ex has only watched DS once unsupervised and he took him out without telling me and without taking his phone, then disappeared for over an hour. There are some significant health issues with ex including a brain injury. I have told him any physical contact would have to be supervised by someone DS knows. I don't really think it's fair to leave him with a man he won't remember having met before, regardless of shared DNA.

I suppose my question is around the video contact. DS has absolutely no interest in video chatting, and no real idea who ex is. But similarly I don't want to appear obtrusive. What should I do?

Video chat until DS gets bored (which will be very quickly!) and then ex can come down and visit on prearranged dates, supervised to start with. If the 2 develop a relationship by Xmas, then you can discuss Boxing Day for example.

You have to think about what a court would find reasonable and for an 18 month old who doesn't know the man, that is probably what they would recommend. By offering this, you have shown you are happy for the 2 to form a relationship.
And in all honestly, the father will probably not travel down to visit that often, and the video chats will tail off as DS doesn't engage.

Could you set up the video chat to watch DS whilst he plays for a while?

He clearly has no clue what 18mo are like if he thinks that they video chat with people that they barely know 😂 If you're on good terms, you could try but warn your ex that it won't be a sit down and chat directly to Dad cal. He'll be lucky if Ds sits still within filming distance for longer than 30 seconds.

With regards to Xmas, I'd need the ex to demonstrate consistent visiting and if he got Xmas this year then he needs to know that he definitely can't have Xmas next year. (Courts would usually order alternate xmases when both parents are involved)

Surely it's better to let them do the video chats, rather than sending DS off at Christmas not knowing his dad at all?

At least if he can see him on screen and get used to his face and voice he will have some kind of knowledge of his dad.

I would say offer weekly chats however say as Ds is 18 months it will be only as long as Ds is interested.

Re Christmas. Tell him he has to travel to start to build up a relationship . He won’t but you have offered

Even my 8yo is reluctant to video chat! I'd give him what he wants. He'll soon realise DS doesn't even want to hold the phone after about 30 seconds