Anyone here who has been a lone parent from day one?

[MissB83]

Obviously there are all kinds of lone parents but would be interested to hear from those who have been lone parents from day one and some maybe 95% or more of the care on your own?

What is your bond like with your child/ren?
How do you make time for yourself?
How do you keep your energy up?!
What is the situation with the other parent and are you ok with that?
What things do you find hardest?

I've been a LP effectively since my DS was a 20 week foetus. I'm actually happy with the situation although it's hard and I need my village around me! Recently moved to be near my parents which has been excellent. My "me time" is when DS (18 months) has gone to bed and between 7:30-9am on two days a week before I start working from home!
My son's father is erratic and isnt in his life in any meaningful way, he hasn't seen him now in about 6 months, partly as we moved away and partly as I asked for a contact centre because he made me feel unsafe by making advances and sexually assaulting me even in public places. I'm planning to give it another try in a few weeks time but quite nervous about it. I find it easier without him around to be honest.
The biggest thing is isolation; it's hard having days not speaking to another adult. But I do like that I've been able to bring up my son exactly how I want and we have an amazing bond.

Me! Been a LP since day 1 (my DS is 11 now!), father no involvement whatsoever, his choice. Honestly I love it. We have a lovely bond, he's a very easy child and our home is a haven of peace and calm (mostly). In his younger years my 'me' time was in the evenings once he was asleep. Now he's up almost as late as me but he goes to various activities and plays out with his friends a lot so I do get a fair bit of time to myself.
I had no energy for anything in the very early days as he was a terrible sleeper/high needs baby but now I work out every day at home which has made a huge difference (I'm an older mum and battling peri menopause symptoms, and a decent diet and regular exercise makes a huge difference to my energy levels).
I'm very lucky that I have supportive parents close by who did my childcare in the early days, DS still stays over one night most weeks and has sleepovers at friends and cousins.
I enjoy time alone so don't get lonely, the hardest part is probably the financial side of things, running a house and raising a child on one income is hard but we manage. Each stage is different and brings it's own challenges but ime it just gets better and better i might eat my words when the teenage years hit.
It certainly sounds like you and your DS would be better off if your ex disappeared. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy explaining an absent parent to a young child but plenty children suffer far more harm with awful 'present' dads.

Yes I was a lone parent from day one as ex ended it with me when I was pregnant. He told me if I kept the baby he would never see her (we also have 3 older kids together) so I was left pregnant, with a 2 year old, 4 year old and 5 year old. He wasn’t at the birth and has seen her 3 times in her life (she’s now two) I don’t get any me time as I don’t have any family support. The only break I get is when the older ones are at school but I’m still home with the youngest. I find being a single parent really hard and the hardest part for me is probably the fact I feel really judged! I know I’m looked down on for having no father involved. I’m not happy about it and me and ex have no contact but I can’t force him to be a dad. I also find the financial side (or lack of it!) hard as ex has managed to get away without having to pay any maintenance at all so I don’t get a penny from him.

I’ve raised my DD on my own ever since she was 11 weeks old. Technically since she was born because he only turned up when he wanted to, he went 10 days making excuses to not come round in that 11 weeks too.

My mum is a cancer patient and my dad lives 2 hours away. I never get time to myself other than evenings and even at the moment she is playing up a lot at bedtime. It’s the summer holidays and she has constantly been with me. I can’t wait until Wednesday as she is back at school starting Year 1. I am a walking zombie, my house is never tidied properly and my mum moans about it every time she comes round.

I am happy, but her being this age has been by far the hardest. I preferred it when she was inbetween the ages of 1-2.

Yup, day one literally.

a) Strong
b) I steal it in a few minutes here and there
c) Coffee :)
d) He's an arse but I picked him!?! I'm not ok with ALOT of things.
e) keeping my morale up, daily battle.

My biggest tip - Know your rights, cause at any point they can find a horrendous new partner and they'll bond over getting rid of you.

Me as welll ! We'll sort of. I'm a lone parent to a 7 year old boy. His dad went off with another woman when our son was 9 months old. We were living on the other side of the country so me and my son moved back to our home town as we didn't have any support network up there. His dad sees him one weekend a month as he works abroad. He has him 4 days or so over summer and between Xmas and new year. I don't get on with my parents or sister so although parents help with practical things as and when suits them, I get no emotional support or love from them. I worked part time from my son being 2 to 4 and now do 33 hours a week which is a good balance as I get to pick him up from school two days a week

In my opinion, being a single mum has been no harder than being a coupled up mum. When it comes to parenting and tiredness anyway. Emotionally yes it's hard and gets very lonely at times. I'm useless with men and have done so much dating and had many failed short term relationships in the past 7 years. Only one of which ever met my son (the most recent who dumped me a month ago after a year together)

Me and my son are incredibly close. I'm having a tough time with depression and anxiety at the moment so seeing other posts on this thread has helped me feel less alone. My son never seems to be affected by our family set up. It's me who gets lonely but certainly not him x

@Winsomelosesome your situation sounds very similar to mine as I'm the lone parent of a 7 year old boy. I struggle with depression and anxiety at times which is bad again at the minute following another failed short lived relationship. I absolutely love hearing from other mums of one who are long term single parents. It inspires me and gives me hope and strength as it can feel like no one else is in this position at times.

Can I ask - have you been single most of these 11 years ? I can't make it work with men so giving up now. Just me and my boy. I work near enough full time so kept busy with that x

@MummyRM100 Yes I've been single the entire time through choice. I too used to suffer with depression, I keep it at bay by keeping my life as stress free and drama free as possible, it's just what works for me so that means no romantic partners. My DS needs me to be healthy and strong not sat crying my eyes out over some bloke. It's not for everyone obviously but I'm very comfortable in my own company and have a million other things I'd rather be doing than going on dates with randoms. I genuinely don't know where some single parents find the time (other than those with shared care obviously).
^ sorry hope that doesn't come across as insensitive, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner and I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out .

@Winsomelosesome this has made me feel so much better. I'm sat crying reading this. Because it's helping me to know that it's not just me in this boat. I've realised I'm gonna have to just stop looking for relationships and forget it altogether. Because as you've said - it's causing too much depression and I need to be strong for my son. He needs all of me. It just gets lonely. Would you mind if I sent you a pm ? Thanks for the reply I needed it this morning !

What is your bond like with your child/ren?
Very good, as he is happy to spend time with other adults and coped well with his transition to nursery which shows he has a secure attachment to me.

How do you make time for yourself?
Work, when he is in bed, my cousin (only other family member) has him one night a month and I sometimes use a babysitter. I only work four days a week, when he starts school next week I am going to maintain this to have an entire day a week to myself so I can get back into playing rugby, I was semi pro before I had him. I also have a lay in on Sundays, he knows he can’t come into my room in the morning until I say it’s okay, I normally manage to stay in bed until about 9 if he isn’t making too much noise destroying his bedroom with lego.

How do you keep your energy up?!
Decent diet, decent exercise regime.

What is the situation with the other parent and are you ok with that?
There is no other parent.

What things do you find hardest?
Other people!

Yes me. Since my DC was 12 weeks. He's 12 years now. I found it incredibly tough at times as had very little 'me' time I also work f/t and have struggled financially at first for a good few years. ExH dragged me through the family courts even though I never prevented access it was his attempt at continuing to control me. That was a nightmare for a few years. After he got the court order he never stuck to it and contact fizzled our altogether when DC was around 3. Never paid any maintenance.
However, my child and I have an amazing bond. I have loved being his primary influencer and am proud of how I have raised him. We're incredibly close and I hope that lasts forever.

@MummyRM100 I've been single too the whole time I've had my DC (12 years). There have been times I've been lonely and wished I could find someone, but mostly I've enjoyed being on my own. I've worked on 'me' and when I do get time to myself I spend it doing something I want to do or trying something new. I have also suffered with anxiety and had to work really hard to get through that. You're not alone x

@MummyRM100 Feel free am heading out now (Sunday morning football!) but will check my messages later. Sorry you're feeling rubbish today .

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, it's so useful to hear from those who are a long way further down the road from me. I can't imagine having the energy to start another relationship but I have absolutely no time anyway at the moment, unless someone wants to come over and watch Netflix with me for two hours until 10pm

@MissB83 10pm!! Wow you stay up late haha

@MissB83 That’s essentially what you have to do! I sneak mine in when my son is in bed, or sometimes I meet him during my work lunch break. It’s a bit like having an affair, but you’re cheating on your kid rather than a partner.

@Georgiemcgeorgeface well sometimes I conk out a bit earlier!

@Winsomelosesome I tried but can't seem to PM you ! I re-read your post again this morning and it really brings me comfort and calms me!

I never meet any other long term single mums. I get so hung up on wanting to find a man as feel the odd one out as everyone else has one and makes it work and why can't I.

It’s good to hear that you got your depression under control and are strong and confident enough to not bother looking for men anymore. That’s how I need to be. It just gets lonely sometimes

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking ? I’m 37. You sound so strong and confident !

I worry about when ds isn’t the cute little 7 year old he is now, about when he’s older and wants to be in his room all the time and not want to come on days out at weekends but do his own thing and not want cuddles or 'need me' as much. I worry the loneliness will be worse then. He’s the only thing keeping me going.

Do you worry about that ? X

@MummyRM100 wow I'm nearly 36 with an under 2, feel like an ancient Mum now!

@Georgiemcgeorgeface thank you so much for your reply it brings me so much comfort as did winsomelosesome's. You ladies being in same boat as me helps give me strength. I don't know any mums in real life in this position to socialise with. If only I did!

I just get down coz other single mums manage to go on to meet men and make relationships work but my anxiety prevents me from making them work. Need to try and focus on me and being confident about life just being me and my boy and that we will manage ok.

Do you worry what will keep you going as your son gets older and wants to do his own thing and not come out with you or curl up with you on the couch. That's all that keeps me going - having a little one to mother ! X

@MissB83 you're not ancient at all !!!! So you were about 34 when your ds was born ? I was 30 so not much difference !! I know lots of mums older than me with children younger than mine :)

You have plenty time to find a relationship if that's what you want chick. It's such early days for you x

@MummyRM100 back at you! You're more likely to find time for a relationship than me as your child gets more independent yes I was 33 and a half when he was born. I kind of do want to find someone but wouldn't have the energy or inclination at the moment and I'm in a good position that we can manage financially and emotionally without a partner, to be honest I was single for almost all my 20s as well as my 30s so I'm a bit of a Lone Ranger and probably a good candidate for single parenthood. I think I'd find it hard for example to have a partner move in with DS and I, it would be very disruptive.

@MissB83 we sound similar ! I've spent most of my life single too ! Was with ds's dad when I was 24-30 that's been my longest. Had several one year and under relationships since being on my own with him but I can't seem to make relationships work as I struggle with anxiety a lot of
The time and men can find it too much hassle :( so I've finally decided to just stop looking for love now. It's scary and gets lonely at times but this forum has shown me that a lot of us are in the same situation. And that brings me comfort ! Well all support each other eh girlies !! Miss B are you anywhere near Merseyside / Cheshire ?

@MummyRM100 I reckon there are a lot of women doing this on their own (and men!) and probably lots of other people in unhappy relationships. Although you make it sound worse I reckon you must be a pretty independent and solid person who is actually great at managing by themselves so even if it feels like it, you don't NEED a partner. I hear you about the anxiety, I have long term problems with anxiety and depression (still medicated for PPD, anxiety and PTSD linked to birth trauma but slowly recovering). I hope you're learning to get a handle on your anxiety, I find relationships a real trigger for me as well so maybe that's why I've avoided them? I'm not unfortunately we are in Bedford in East Midlands. Feel free to drop me a PM though!!

@MissB83 we sound alike ! and I always take comfort in it when other single mums tell me they struggle with anxiety and depression too ? Makes me feel less alone !
People tell me I'm independent - I've forged out a good career in the last few years - since becoming a lone parent and I bought our house by myself recently. I'm not close to my family however so don't really have any support emotionally which leads to feeling more alone. If I had a good family around me and were close, it would feel different. I've got some great friends although non who are single!

I will pm you but I'm having problems with it and they're not sending ? Such a palaver !!!

Shame we don't all live closer isn't it ! X

@MummyRM100 you would have to be a real hero to NOT have anxiety when being a single parent! Having a tiny person relying entirely on you is very stressful! It's so hard to make decisions on your own. What you do day to day; many people couldn't do that. Try and remember that.
Also for building a career and buying your own house whilst a single mum, that's an amazing achievement. You deserve to feel proud of yourself. We have just bought our first house too but I had a career for 10 years before my son came along so obviously that was easier!
I've just tried sending you a test message