Conflict with my sons father

[JoJo2106]

Needing some advice or needing to vent, not sure which. Maybe a bit of both lol.

My ex and I have no communication whatsoever other than a communication book regarding our almost 2 year old son, and we never meet. Handovers are done by my mum.

My ex never seen ds for 8 months starting when ds was 7 months old. He assaulted me in front of ds and tried to take him. We went through court and this was the reason he did not see ds for 8 months as it was cafcass/court recommendation at that time. Contact did progress to supervised and now he sees ds on a regular basis alone. The thing is, is he is now using the communication book to air out his anger towards me and flinging insults about me as a person, going over past stuff that was dealt with in court etc and also stuff about my past he has no clue about. I have replied to a few things on a couple of occasions as the stuff he was saying I felt I had to but I have told him I am.no longer engaging in this as the book is for ds welfare and needs only not for that crap. I get to the point I'm dreading getting the book back after contact as there will be something in it. For example I wrote in the book that I wasnt prepared to discuss and engage any further than what I'd already said and then the next week he brought up something new that would cause new conflict. It's like he wants to keep it all going. He blames me for him not seeing his child all those months but I did not have that power it was on a courts say so.

What can I do about this? And why is he still carrying all this on and still so angry with me? I can tell from the replies he'd be happy for it to go on and on in this book.

He has also just told me a few days ago that DS went into his house a couple of weeks ago and he just stood and stared at the floor for nearly 10 minutes, then came round after that and started to be ok. Ds has been very off when going with his dad the last 3 weeks, my mum has commented at the handovers how quiet ds is and showing signs of not wanting to go and even trying to jump back into my mums arms, so for him not to write important information like ds staring at the floor for 10 minutes and hes not been the same since he said is very worrying. He is too het up on keeping conflict up in the book rather than writing important info like that about ds. Makes me think what else happens that he doesnt put in the book.

Really just want to know what he is getting out of this and why all this conflict in the communication book. I try not to reply but he writes such personal things. Is it best just to blank the lot?

Hi OP, your story sounds almost identical to mine. When I was in court the judge did not recommend a contact book as they are often used as a means to try to keep abusing and controlling the mother.

I would stop the book and ask your mum to discuss with the dad what happened during the visit.

If you think your child is being abused or harmed you can move contact to a supervised contact centre.

@TeachesOfPeaches yes one of the magistrates did actually voice her concerns of a contact book and whether this sort of thing could happen but it was ordered anyway as it is the only way we have of communicating. This has not long started to be honest, but you can just tell he would be happy to carry it on and on. I shouldn't have really replied to any of it but it was hard not to with the stuff he was saying. It is making me ill with stress of worrying about what's going in the book next. I have pointed out the book is for ds needs only. He did say yes I agree this book isn't for this kind of thing but things need pointing out to you and what you have done. Now hes banging on about DNA tests almost 2 years down the line. It's just something else to communicate and argue about in the book as I wasnt engaging after the last one.

I dont think ds is been abused. At least I would very much hope not but this behaviour has just started about 3 weeks ago and I find it quite disturbing my almost 2 year old is stood staring at a floor for 10 minutes and the fact his dad has only mentioned it 2 weeks later and even then I think he only told me as it was like he was insinuating I had done something for him to be that way. My mum said ds says mama constantly all the way to the handover and when shes bringing him back so it could be a case of him missing me and maybe not wanting to leave me. Such a horrible situation to be in

Get rid of the contact book and ask your mum to relay any important information. Your child might not have stared at the floor for 10m at all and he is just making it up.

@TeachesOfPeaches the thing is I couldn't put all that on my mum as he has shouted at her before down the phone. She rang him as he was slating me on social media and he just absolutely went mad with a barrage of abuse doen the phone to her to the point she couldn't get a word in. She said it was pure hatred and he called me evil. Tbh my mum is affected by all this too as my anxiety and stress is affecting her now. So I honestly couldn't expect her to communicate anymore than she has to with him as she hates doing it but she does it for ds sake and really there isn't anyone else to do handovers.

If the contact book is court ordered then get your mum to keep it. You relay anything ex needs to know to her, she writes it in the book. Ex writes the usual shit in the book, which you never see. Anything he writes about ds your mum relays back to you.

Cross post. Maybe back to contact centre then, at least for handovers.

It's awful he continues to abuse you via the contact book. He's obviously using it inappropriately and doesn't seem to have your sons best interests first and foremost. Seems like his main objective is to abuse you. If you must continue to use it I would ignore all comments that are not about your sons welfare. Just be factual and don't engage is stuff that has been sorted by the court. He's obviously trying to goad you, just ignore and remove any emotion from the situation. Stick to facts and don't let him draw your mum into it.

Yes don't call him. I presume the handover is happening in a public space? If not, then it should be.

Do you think he would shout at your mum in the street/coffee shop/library?

I just dont get the reason why. We are all done at court, he is seeing his child things should be done and dusted so to speak but he is just going over past stuff and allegations that court dealt with. Why carry such hate and anger on? Someone said to me when people are angry like that it means they still care but I dont know about that tbh. It was me that ended the relationship when ds was only 2 weeks old as I was very unhappy for a long time and was a toxic relationship. He was very bitter and angry at the breakup and he didn't want to split. But it's almost 2 years on. He has also turned loads of people against me including people I classed as friends by twisting the truth and saying I'm one of those mothers that stops contact, they dont realise it was the court stopping it. So of course I'm the bad guy and they all feel sorry for him. Hes out to wreck my life.

No it was a one off my mum ringing him. It is in a public place the handovers yes.

He is angry because he can't control you anymore. It will get better over time.

If he is fine with your mum at the handover then scrap the contact book and just asked for any important information to be relayed verbally. How long does the contact last and how often is it?

If you can manage to remember, keep in mind how sad this is. How utterly pathetic and sad he is to still be carrying on like this. It's like a pathetic tantrum. You're so much better than this infantile behaviour he's displaying. He clearly has nothing more interesting in his life. Whatever. Not your problem.

They are civil but I couldn't put that on my mum as she cant stand the man really but keeps it civil to keep the peace. She gets a bit stressed out and anxious when she does have to have a proper conversation with him do to ask her to do that on top I think would just stress her out more tbh. I am.just going to have to completely ignore whatever he says even if it is really personal I will have to ignore it.

Carrying this much anger and resentment 2 years on is quite worrying. He definitely does not think of ds and his needs first.

Contact was supervised at first started last December, we them got finished at court emd of January this year then it started with just daytime contact then built up to overnights. He now has ds - one week it is Fri 5pm until Saturday 1pm, second week it is Fri 5pm until Sunday 6pm. Plus each Wednesday 4pm -6.30pm for tea.

It is concerning me how ds is acting now when going with his dad. He is just very quiet and doesnt really look at his dad. He physically has to take him out of his pushchair and when he put him in the car on Fri my mum said he stretched out and started shaking. But she said he just says mama constantly so I think he is getting a bit of separation anxiety. Ds seems not too bad after just the Fri to Sat at 1pm as it's quite quick. But theres a big difference in him after the long weekend.

@Ronia exactly my thoughts. It is over, done and dusted in court and he is seeing his child. Why carry this on its ridiculous.

As bad as it is, keep the book going. No matter what nastiness your ex writes, respond "this book is to share info regarding the welfare of DS and nothing else." When DS reaches the point of refusing to go with exH or having crying fits at handoffs, you go back to court and use the book to get contact reduced or limited.

The book is excellent evidence. If he writes such nastiness to you, imagine what he will say about you to DS when he is old enough to understand.

@GeorgiaGirl52 good point yes it is evidence. I have also been taking photos of the pages aswell incase he ever tried to RIP them out etc. I have wrote various times that the book is completely for DS's needs, welfare and routine. He then agreed with that but then said things need pointing out to you and then has started going on about wanting DNA tests done as a new argument because I had stopped engaging in the other issue.

Yes I know this is my worry in what he will say to ds when older. He is going to end up damaged from all this

My ex is only allowed 4 hours every other Saturday indefinitely until I say otherwise (that's after 2.5 years of court).

Must be hard having your young son away overnight.

@TeachesOfPeaches wow! Yes it is very hard, the thing is when we had our section 7 done by cafcass we were appointed a new officer and she was completely on his side from the off. Our original cafcass officer was the one recommending no contact whilst going throughout court. Then we were given a new officer to do section 7, she went to visit my ex first at his home and he completely went to work on her and manipulated her into me been the bad guy and him the victim, same as he has done with people I know. So by the time she came to visit me her mind was already made up and she was awful with me. My mum actually left the room in tears because of her she was awful. And when I was trying to bring up my concerns etc she just shut me down and would not let me speak and then she defended him. I honestly think I could have said he was a sex offender she would not have cared. So it was her that recommended to the court all this contact. Never came across anyone so horrible in my life. He had done his job on her.

Ds has to go for 7 consecutive nights before the end of the year with his dad and each year after that its 14 nights. Plus he has him overnight Christmas eve this year. She gave him everything and more he wanted. Ds came last in all this it was all to suit him and his wants not to go at DS's pace at all.

That is horrific. Mine started out no contact ordered by Cafcass, then 2 hours every other week in a contact centre then 2 hours no contact centre then working up to 3 hours and now 4. That's over the course of over a year of contact.

My ex could not believe it. However, He was extremely rude to every single judge and Cafcass officer etc so didn't get his way at all. I've got a 3 year non-molestation order as well.

@TeachesOfPeaches see he was the opposite and charmed and manipulated everyone. I actually cant cope with the worry while DS is away. He hasn't a voice of his own yet to say anything either. Hes saying words but not speaking properly yet so even if he wanted to come home he cant say. But maybe this is why he has been staring at his floor for 10 minutes and acting quiet when going and saying mama constantly. That's his way of saying he doesnt want to go. The whole thing is horrendous. And him doing this in the contact book is not helping.

I'm dreading when my ex gets fed up of 4 hours and takes me back to court for shared care/overnights.

Must be so scary for you

It must be very upsetting, but the best thing is to ignore, ignore, ignore.
Just use the book as intended, do not get dragged out into arguments or show him it is upsetting you. I wouldn't even put that the book is for Ds only, he knows this and is ignoring it.
Take photos or photocopy the pages so that you can prove he is continuing the abuse via the book. As you say he might rip them up otherwise.
I would take anything he says about ds with a pinch of salt as he far more intent in upsetting you and carrying on his own agenda than the truth.

Omg ds has just returned home at 6pm and I have received 6 pages of abuse personal to me in the book and only a few lines about how ds has been. I have had enough and my mum is no longer wanting to do handovers anymore. He has basically accused something happening here to upset ds and make him change suddenly overnight of not wanting to go with his dad now. He is accusing us of prompting ds. He is not even 2 yet and cant speak so how we can do that is beyond me. I am going to ring my solicitor on Tuesday, I really do not want to write in that book any longer all I am getting is abuse.

the book will help your case against your ex. My ex focussed his entire energy on how he could get at me and it undid him in court and he got nc. Stay strong and get legal advice and protect your poor boy from him

Personally id be pushing for contact centre again because he is still being abusive.

And absolutely do not engage. Absolutely nothing in the book at all. He doesnt care about what you write and he hasnt got anything worth reading.