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Lone parents

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Original poster

Does the pain ever subside?

26 replies

Benjibearsmum · 21/08/2019 13:06

Having separated two months ago, my DC are with my XDH down in Cornwall and I really miss them (they are all staying in our dream holiday house which we built together with his parents - it really hurts). I am trying to keep busy and am in Italy on my own prior to a friend joining me next week - and while in some ways it’s bliss to have the freedom, I’m really lonely. Sitting here in a cafe with tears streaming down my face. The DC seem happy so that’s obviously great. But having been a SAHM mum for so many years and to four children, this is a real adjustment (I am now going back to work soon). My 8 year old took a video of a spider or something and it posted to my photos - and I just felt so crushed by sadness. I am getting on with my life and doing all that stuff - but am still very up and down. The split was fully his choice due I think to a midlife crisis and deep down I am still also hoping he changes his mind so we can try to go back to what we had (which was a happy marriage). You do sometimes hear about people who split up, at some point reconcile and then are “happier than before”. Knowing that this is a possibility (if only on paper), it’s harder to truly move on. He is adamant that he does not want to get back together, but there is no one else (though he wants to meet his “soulmate” when he’s finished his counselling) and he is still wearing his wedding ring. He fancies me and loves me but is not in love with me and we are “too different” etc. Anyway - really just hoping that it gets easier to be separated from one’s own DC? Any positive stories?

OP posts:
downbutnotout2018 · 21/08/2019 13:09

Oh you poor thing. It can't get any harder! Flowers. You will adjust. Will you be able to take them on holidays to the holiday home too? That's only fair.

Original poster
Benjibearsmum · 21/08/2019 13:24

I did just take them away for two weeks which was lovely after the first couple of days (except for the constant fighting and the stress of being one adult with 4 kids 😳) - but I’m not sure I could go down there again to Cornwall. Too many happy memories. Kids wants me to though so we’ll see...

OP posts:
MummyRM100 · 21/08/2019 20:50

It will get easier being apart from your children - I promise. My ex left 7 years ago when our son was 9 months old. It was a few years after that, that his dad had him for 4 nights or so. His dad lives on other side of the country. It was so so hard at first. But I promise you this - it does get easier. Every time my boy goes for 5 days or so to his dads, I dread it for weeks. Knowing I'll miss him terribly, frantically trying to fill all of that time with plans for myself (usually not possible as all friends are married and settled and just me who is single) BUT every time I actually end up quite enjoying the peace and the rest and pottering around doing my own thing. On countdown until he comes home of course. Then I cuddle him to death but by the next morning I'm already wishing for peace again !

So sorry to hear that your husband left. I know your life seems in free fall at the moment and you can't comprehend how you can be happy again... I've been there and had severe depression but trust me you'll be happy again in time x

Littlefluffycloudos · 24/08/2019 19:05

@Benjibearsmum sorry you’re having a shit time. I’m early on in separation too so can’t give loads of advice but I’ve been reading a good book called Breaking Upwards which might help you a bit. There’s an interesting chapter on letting go of the dream of them changing their mind before you can truly thrive that was helpful.

It’s so hard but you still have a life and a very valid one so do what you’re doing and try and make it the best possible one.

Original poster
Benjibearsmum · 24/08/2019 19:19

Thank you @Littlefluffycloudos Will order that now as that very issue IS holding me back. Ie I am still hoping he will change his mind. It’s hard to let go of when you do hear about ppl all the time (incl on MN) who split up, reconcile at some point and then go on to be “even happier than before”. Obvs it’s mostly a lot more complicated than that, even when it does happen. But still. The hope is there as it was not a 100% final thing in our case, it was a “we can’t go on as we are” (him). Like I said he is still wearing his ring and is in therapy but there aren’t many if any other positive signs to be fair.

The other thing though - I think it would be so much easier for me to move on and embrace the future if I felt my kids were going to be fine. Luckily so far so good - they seem ok and we are both v involved. BUT they would be BETTER if we were together. All you want to do as a parent is give your kids the best start in life isn’t it? Holidays will never be the same again for example. I still hold onto that dream for my kids as well as myself.

Anyway thanks for getting in touch. Will def order the book - great shout x

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 24/08/2019 20:14

I have 0 experience but a good friend of mine's wife left. He was absolutely devastated and tried to make her change her mind. After 5 months he tried one last time and she didn't want to go back. At that point he started to accept it. 3 months after that she wanted him back. He couldn't do it as he realised he hadn't been happy. He now has a new DP and is happier than ever.

Original poster
Benjibearsmum · 24/08/2019 20:52

@Marlena1. Interesting - yes I’ve heard that too. In a way that is just so sad, isn’t it? I think a lot of ppl realise their mistake when it’s too late. But it’s not as if it doesn’t come at a cost (especially if kids involved). I guess in that case no one’s a winner really. Though better to be the one who moved on than the stupid idiot who screwed it up in the first place 😳

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 24/08/2019 22:53

It is. So sad for everyone involved. Give yourself time, breakups are hard and there's no right way to do it. Sounds like you are doing your best and that's all you can do. I really hope you have some good moments on holiday (I'm not going to say a great time as I know you are still in the thick of the hardest time).

Littlefluffycloudos · 25/08/2019 08:45

@Benjibearsmum if he wanted to potentially reconcile shouldn’t he want to be doing therapy together rather than him going on his own?

My husband wears his wedding ring still and I’ve no idea why as he left me and we’re definitely not reconciling!

I hear you with the children worry, that’s the saddest thing about it all. I know I’ll be fine eventually but I’m so sad for what my daughter has lost. And I have no idea who we’ll go on holiday with next year!

MummyRM100 · 26/08/2019 12:20

Ladies - you'll go on holiday just you and the kids next year ! That's what me and my son do. Just the two of us since his dad walked out on us x

Littlefluffycloudos · 26/08/2019 12:22

@MummyRM100 does that not feel lonely for you though in the evenings? Also my daughter is so social she constantly wants to play with other children - I worry I won’t be enough for her.....

MummyRM100 · 26/08/2019 12:30

It does get a little lonely yes... but I didn't find it unbearably so. That said.... it was a good few years after the split that I took him on holiday alone. It was too raw to do before that. So I'm not suggesting you do it before you're ready. When my son was 4 we went to salou for a week. He's an only child too. I'll be honest - it was hard work but also rewarding and enjoyable and did my confidence so much good. We stayed all inclusive and most nights we watched the entertainment in the hotel and he did the mini disco. Yes I admit i felt a bit lonely sat there on my own amongst all the happy families. It was also tricky leaving him sat there alone while I went to the bar. If I took
Him with me, someone would take our table. In the day times he was bored by the pool with no other kids for company just me. But.... he was 4 then and wouldn't join in the kids club. He's 7 now and I think he would now. We went to the beach some days and it was lovely hard tho as I couldn't close my eyes and sunbathe as obviously no one else to watch him. So we booked excursions. Downhill biking one day, boat trip one day and waterpark one day and I bumped into another single mum with her daughter at the water park and we all spent the day together !!! Other nights we had tea in the hotel then went for a wander to the play area down the street and a little explore. I felt I had achieved so much doing it all alone ! Since then we've just had UK caravan holidays but next year Spain again x

MummyRM100 · 26/08/2019 12:32

Oh and also @Littlefluffycloudos , since I took him abroad on my own, 2 of my friends who are also single parents decided to be brave and do it too! They've taken their kids away just them lot and they've loved it. You can do it ! X

Popetthetreehugger · 26/08/2019 12:52

I found the best for me and then young teenage DS was a neilson holiday, perfect for lone parents ,as safe place , they have independence and so much laid on for everyone. They have sort of share tables so your not sat on your own if you would like some other people to chat to . We did this every year till DS was 16 .... by then 6’4, and chilling with me by day at the pool and by night watching footie and playing pool with the off duty reps .

Littlefluffycloudos · 26/08/2019 13:59

Thanks @MummyRM100 it’s great to hear positive stories!

@Popetthetreehugger she’s only 4 so not much independence at the moment but I’ll bear in mind for future!

MummyRM100 · 26/08/2019 14:02

@Popetthetreehugger that sounds good I haven't heard about these holidays ! I did google single parent holidays once and they were soooo expensive ! Probably woot tho the money though x

MummyRM100 · 26/08/2019 14:13

@Littlefluffycloudos I'm gonna pop
You an inbox message chick x

changeofname0987 · 27/08/2019 12:00

Very apt thread for me at the moment as my DCs are away with their dad this week. I sympathise with the pain... it's a really physical pain. I know 100% for me that having two DCs has split my heart into now, 3 places at all times. So I'm always feeling torn when I'm not with them.

Two years on for me and the pain has never truly subsided but I have got used to it. The thing I always keep in mind is that it would be INFINITELY MORE HEARTBREAKING to have a child who is heartbroken that their dad doesn't want to know. That really helps me. Remember that you're doing this for them and they will love you for it.

Also want to say that you must be in proper limbo at the moment, thinking it might be back on with your ex. I think it couldn't hurt to focus your time on moving on and healing your hurt. And setting aside time to drink your babies in when they're back. Much love to you Flowers

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/09/2019 05:17

It truly does get better, the death of the dream is really a difficult one to let go of.

I remember breaking down in tears after i watched a young couple buying a sofa together. Now I just buy my own sofa.

Holidays alone with very young dc i found lonely. I just felt like Mother Duck traipsing kids around. It's easier going with family until they're about 7 i found.

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/09/2019 05:21

And, soulmate my arse. I bet he fancies some poor unsuspecting young thing at work.

MummyRM100 · 01/09/2019 05:38

@ThighThighOfthigh crying over the young couple in the sofa shop is so me! I was exactly like that for the first few years after the end of my relationship. And now. 7 years on, I'm doing it again having lost the man I thought I'd finally found to be my happy ever after. Just struck a chord with me what you said there, totally me !

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/09/2019 05:51

Mum i also found a 2nd happy ever after which went tits up too. That was even harder even though it was a short relationship with no dc. Now several years on from that i can see i was just so relieved to find someone that i ignored certain mismatches between us which i had noticed on day 1.

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/09/2019 05:55

I now remind myself if i see a sofa couple that I'm seeing a snapshot and they might both be terrible arseholes, who knows.

I remember someone telling me they were so angry after being widowed that they started beeping their car horn furiously at happy seeming couples in the street.

MummyRM100 · 01/09/2019 06:14

@ThighThighOfthigh so it's not just me who feels this then! Yes second time round can be so hard can't it. Are you single now ? I find the run up to Xmas especially hard.
That's so sad but I can imagine so true for the widowed man. Similar sort of grief in a way isn't it x

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/09/2019 07:34

I am single and I'm happy about it, these days a man would have to have a lot to offer to be of interest. And I'd finally take my mum's advice and take things very slowly. The worst thing is feeling stupid for not being able to do what other families do. The feelings fade completely.

I'd far, far rather be single than be in a poor relationship.