He never sees them

[SparklesAndUnicorns]

Long story short my children's partner left us on the day I found out I was pregnant with my second, after trying for months. Over three years on and he is still not consistent in their lives. I find myself begging and forcing him to have the children which is so upsetting he doesn't want to play an active role in their lives. He makes promises that he will see them more and then suddenly he has a work emergency or not enough money or he's too stressed and he won't see them for months on end. He has seen them for three days over the summer holidays and I've had to tell him I am bringing them to him for a weekend and he's been horrible about it which is another thing. He is so nasty to me like he actually hates me and whenever I ask him nicely to have the kids it turns into a personal attack on me and my parenting. I love my children to pieces and it's breaking my heart knowing that he puts in zero effort and I always have to make excuses for him as to why they haven't seen him. I'm getting really fed up of his constant negativity and unwillingness to support the children. Now I'm wondering if there is any sort of professional route I can take that can get some sort of routine set up legally so he has to see them more? I get a little support from my family but I would just love them to spend more time with him as I could never fault him as a father before we broke up he just can't be bothered with them because of his personal feelings towards me which I always tell him shouldn't matter at all what he thinks of me it's about them at the end of the day and it's boring listening to his hurtful comments all the time when I am asking a simple question as to why he won't see them more. I would really love and appreciate some advice on this matter because I find myself feeling guilty for not being able to persuade him and I don't want to give up on them having a dad but at the moment they really don't have one anyway.

Unfortunately not - he can't legally be made to have them. And realistically do you want them in the care of someone who clearly doesn't want them?

I'm sorry, it sucks.

@PatriciaHolm this is very true I think I'm giving him too many chances because I grew up with both of my parents and I don't want them to miss out on anything but i know they are living a lovely life and are happy healthy children so his contact doesn't make a lot of difference really it's just so hard not to feel bad for them :(

Please stop forcing him to have the kids. He doesn't want them so it will only lead to more heartbreak in the future when your kids will realise and feel the rejection. Better put a stop to it now, they'll forget about him.

@cranstonmanor thing is sometimes he is fine and will see them but it's the inconsistency and I'm trying to make him see them more if that makes sense? Once every 5 months isn't right. It's such a shame I know there isn't much I can do other than let the kids see for themselves it makes me so sad

It is not for you to make him step up. That is his choice.

You are doing yourself and your children a disservice. And a lot of heart ache.

If he wants to see the children fab. Otherwise go about living as full life as you can and if he fits in round your plans so be it

My ex has dc eow. In two years he has not had any other extra contact. I did ask last year. At Easter. Summer and Christmas. Now I have stopped asking. And when he surfaces and we have plans he is left hanging because I'm not changing my plans at the last minute just because he has found himself at a loose end. The children are not an after thought. He should be looking forward and making plans to enjoy the children. Otherwise it is his loss.

honestly, stop pushing the kids on him. Its awful for them too. He isnt interested so i suggest start building a life without him

I wouldn't contact him. Dd1's dad never had any contact with her,used to walk by us on the street. His loss.

Seriously, there should not be anything legally that forces a man to look after his kids I mean that would just be a disaster, imagine forcing someone to look after someone if they don’t want to, I wouldn’t trust them to treat the child right if they are being forced to do something. My children’s father goes years without seeing them not just months, he went one year without seeing them, then didn’t see them for 2 years, now seen them once and has decided again that he doesn’t want to see them anymore. I wouldn’t force him.

Your trying to get him to want to see his children and he has no interest. Along with this when you ask him to do this your taking verbal abuse - telling you what a bad mother you are.

God he has some neck saying this to you when your bring up his kids that he can't be botherd to see. He is giving you continuous excuses then why he can't see them.

To be honest your better off not trying to make him step up because long term he will keep letting you and your children down. As they get older they will realise what he is like and be getting upset when he lets them down.
I would say to him that you want to continue to get maintenance for his 2 children. If his parents are still alive and they want to see their grandchildren let them do this.

There’s a lot of research out there saying it’s worse for kids to have a parent who has irregular sporadic contact than an absent parent.
I’d drop the rope and leave it up to him to sort contact. You can’t force him and focusing on trying to make him means that you don’t have the time or energy to focus on things that would make your kids lives great.

It also means that in a few years when they figure out their dad is useless that you’ll be putting in a lot of effort dealing with the fallout, organising therapy etc
I know it sucks but none of this is your fault.

He doesn’t want to be a Dad. Just carry on without him and don’t initiate any more contact. It’s better for the kids to have no contact with him than him blowing hot and cold.

Op believe me when I say the best thing you can do for DC is give up the fantasy of his being remotely interested in them.

I made the same mistake and bent over backwards to facilitate dd seeing her dad, a decision I massively regret as it simply delayed the inevitable.

She is now 18 and utterly heartbroken with every interaction with him.

He hasn't seen her for years due to his lack of effort and me stopping covering for him, he's got dds hopes up a couple times recently only to let her down again.

It's MUCH harder as they get older, better for them to move on when they're younger.

He won't change, if anything he'll get worse.

You are doing yourself and your children a disservice. And a lot of heart ache.

No their father is doing that. OP is slow to realise that some people are utterly shit parents and don't actually care about their children. She expected better of him. It is taking a while to realise he is an utter feckless useless shit who doesn't care about his children. For many of us that is an big thing to recognise. Give her a break.

But I agree with the general sentiment on giving up on him OP, consider yourself a lone parent. If in five months time he calls up asking to see the children - well if they want to and it suits you maybe. He will be like an uncle who pops in every now and then. I suspect without you pushing it, you won't see him again You are the only actual parent they have. That is tough but better to face it.