Hi, sorry about the long message. I left an emotionally abusive marriage with a weeks-old child as I feared for my DC's and my safety as things were escalating and ex was really out of control (not letting me and baby sleep, taking my stuff out of the house without my permission, raging and raging and raging). There has been very little contact since (my DC is now 3). My ex has reached out now and then asking for various favours like getting documents, help for his friend etc while not doing anything about giving my stuff back (which I had clearly asked for). This was first 1.5 years after separation. I tried to get no-fault mutual consent divorce. When I reached out (through lawyer) he says he wants to save the marriage, said I have kept DC away from him and then there is no contact at all (for over a year). I have filed for divorce now. He sent weird emails again after being served by the court and has not owned up to any of the faults on his part and has not mentioned any steps he will take in terms of supporting the child or even visiting the child. Only when I reach out mentioning divorce, he says I have kept the child away. Which is not true as I have not stopped him from seeing the baby; only I have not taken any proactive steps to make him in DC's life or "invited" him to be part of DC's child. It is also true that I think it is best ex stays as far away as possible from DC and me.
I have absolute peace of mind. My baby is healthy and happy. I have support of extended family. I work and earn ok.The divorce is still in early stage of court hearing. I would really like some advise on the following matters, which are causing anxiety for me:
- DC has asked about 'father' now and then. I have simply told DC that he doesn't live with us and that he and I are not together. I have also said that we (my extended family and I) love DC a lot and we are always here for DC. DC seems fine with such an answer. But recently I have seen that DC keenly watches other fathers with their kids. DC also mentioned 'father' in an offhand manner to DC's grandparents (like saying "I don't want a bath because my father said so"), though only twice so far. DC is a very imaginative kid and has complex make believe games. Do I address this 'father' issue more? DC has not asked me anything after the last 'father' talk months ago. How can I give DC a clearer picture without saying anything bad about ex or making DC feel bad? Like, how do I tell DC that 'father' has not taken an interest in being a parent and that is why he is not in DC's life and that we are good that way, but not in those words?
- I fear ex will ask for visitation (the country I live in typically gives automatic visitation to non custodial parent - could range from once a month to every weekend, depending on how much time parent and child have lived together and bonded) just to trouble me and DC if the divorce continues in court and he doesn't agree to mutual consent divorce. If he had any interest in DC he would have taken steps by now or at least asked. In case he gets visitation and does actually exercise it, how do I ensure he doesn't continue to cause problems (like school admission, passport, holidays etc can all be mine fields)? Plus protect my DC? And protect myself? I fear my peace of mind and happiness will be shattered if he gets back into our lives in any form. My lawyer assures me that someone who has not shown in his child for over a year will never show up for visitation. But, I am not so sure. Also, visitation rights could mean I need his signature to put DC in proper school etc. The country I live in is quite conservative and for school admissions etc expects both parents to sign documents (one even asks for a photo of both parents together as part of application form). I am very worried. Any suggestions, examples from your own experience will be really useful.
Thank you!