Not seeing my girls is killing me on the inside.

[bodywarmer]

I have not seen my girls since Xmas, I've got two beautiful daughters aged 15 and 16 and I miss them dearly.
My ex-wife and I split up when they were 2 and 3 years. Initially, I handed them over as I knew they would come back, they did come back two months later. After a court case and cafcass the girls were put under my care with their mum seeing them 2.5 weekends a month. I left my job to look after them and worked from home.

I never took a penny in child maintenance from my ex-wife. I was too scared to.

A few years later I was accused by my ex-wife of beating the girls, I had just taught them how to ride a bike, after 5 weeks of not seeing them and spending thousands I never had, all charges were dropped. The girls came back. In between all this, I had been beaten up in the street by my ex-wife's family when I had come to pick the girls up.
I brought the girls up best as I could. They did really well at school and I made them great food every night. I made sure they went to really good secondary schools, one went to a grammar, another went to a sought after secondary school, to get her in I did bad things like became a governor at their primary school and went to church for six years on a Sunday just to ensure that they would get into a good school.

All a child needs is a belly full of food, a nice warm house, and lots hugs and kisses. They had the best gadgets as I worked in IT.
I wanted a bit of a life and I kept asking via email for my ex-wife to move into the same town as the girls, she would not. It was very difficult for me to drive up on a Sunday pick the girls up come back and wash their clothes and get them ready for school the next day.

To cut a long story short after they went to secondary school, my ex-wife took me to court again seeking a shared care. I did not object to this at all, my only reservation was that mum move to the same town as the girls. The family court judge and cafcass agreed with this and the mum also said she would move. This was put into a court order. We would swap weekly.

Soon after the girls started behaving oddly with my family, friends and myself. They became distant. They would pick fights with me and just be mean and I would try and do my best for them. I knew what was happening. They were using the same mean words that their mum would send me in text messages. They ignored their cousins whom they grew up with and friends of mine whom they were close too such as their wives and kids.

I used to be left alone in the house without them for ages and the loneliness was massive. It had been 10 years on my own, my parents had passed away 10 years ago too.
The girls would come back and say they wanted to go to their mum, even if Xmas day was meant to be with me, this happened for nearly two years. I would not see them at all during the festive period.

One day I just got cross and said they could go and live with their mum as I could not take it. They did. It hurt me to say it.

In the meantime I was seeing my best friend whom I had known for 10 years we became close, she too had two girls the same age as mine. When my girls would say they did not want to be home her girls would call and ask me to come over. The year before we did family things together with my friend and our girls all knew each and enjoyed each other's company. None of this had helped and I made sure that the girls would not feel I was prioritising someone else over them.

I then got married to my best friend and I did tell the girls and invited them to the wedding, but they said they could only come if their mum was allowed to pick them up from the venue 200 miles away. I explained i was not happy with that as I did not want a scene and that I would get my younger sister to drop them off. They would have non of it. So they never came.

They don't speak to me and just read my messages, my ex wife wont let me send them anything. There has never been any domestic abuse even though she alleges it. I pay her child maintenance because it is the right thing to do.

When I sent them presents at xmas which was the same as the ones I bought my stepchildren she wrote a text saying they were not good enough and I should give them to my new family.

When I see my wife with her daughters who are close to me, it hurts me even more. I miss my girls so much inside. The pain is massive.

The worst thing is my ex-wife is a psychologist and she has alienated the girls against me. It is a text book case and I cannot do anything.

I never ever was the perfect parent and made plenty of mistakes. I guess anyone can see the other side to this. However, this post is not exhaustive and I just wanted to blurt out my feelings. There are days when I can't carry on and I just want to see my babies again, cup their face in my hands when they fall asleep. I will always love them and they live in my heart.

Its has been 18 months since I have seen them. Not every dad is bad.

I'm very sorry OP.

From the sounds of this, the worst of it all started as they were entering into adolescence, which is such a difficult time anyway.

I'm so sorry.

It sounds as though there was a lot of poison involved and influencing the girls when they were going through strong hormonal changes.
If only mums and dads realised how bad this is for the children, it takes years for them to get over this.
Just let them know you are there for them and hopefully they will come around in time. They may need counselling though.
It's taken my son until age 40 to get over his fathers behaviour and he still isn't over it.

Have you talked to the girls? Text them! Ring them. It is never too late. Or if that does not work, stand up for yourself with your ex wife! Get a lawyer - to re-establish contact. You are entitled to see your children

Why did you push for /end up with the majority of care when they were so young? I can see that as the girls got older they might have been really upset about that imbalance

I've no advice I'm just so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I know not all dads both present and absent are bad, this is a heartbreaking story.

The girls are of an age where they are able to text you if they want to. It's very hard on you but they will find their way back into contact in time. Perhaps send a text when they are at school so they can read and respond before going home letting them know you would welcome any contact and your door is open when they are ready.

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

The reason the girls ended up with me initially was even though I had given the girls to their mum to live with in court around two months later she handed them back to me via her solicitor. She then wanted me to have them all week and have them every weekend.

When I had the girls they saw their 2.5 weekends a month half of all holidays.

I text them all the time telling them I love them, they read the messages but they do no respond.

Going to court this would be the 5th time and I can't take the courts anymore.

Unfortunately at 15 and 16 their wishes would be the chief concern of the court unless serious safeguarding issues were established with the mother. It looks like your days in court are done.
Im sorry to hear this buddy, it must be heart breaking but dont give up. I would continue to send them a text each week and let them know you are always there if they need you.
My daughter is still young and I worry every day that the spiteful alienation and manipulation will continue for years and years until she gets her own way. Its like drip torture.
Dont give up, Once they reach adulthood you might find you have a renewed relationship with them as they mature and see the mum for what she is.
Over the last few years Ive met three women who lost contact with their father in their youth believing he wasn't interested in them. When they found out their mother had alienated the Dad and saw the evidence from their father they each said they had nothing to do with their mother again. Unfortunately its the missed years you cant get back.

I wonder what their side of the story would be.

I am thinking of my own story. I lived with my mum and I used to see my dad every summer ( we lived far away). We used to correspond by letters. When I was 15 , I realised I hadnt written for a long time. I was really busy with exams and I kept writing letters and forgetting to post them. I probably didn't write for about 6 -8 months. A long time but we only saw each other once a year. I still loved him loads I just got really busy at that age. My Dad got very hurt by this and actually told me that it was too hard for him and he didnt want to see me again. And he refused to see me for years after this.
I would just say she is busy, she is young, she is a teenager. Keep trying , do not give up. I always still loved my dad and wanted to see him again

My DF brought us up with my SM and her two DCs, but my older siblings prioritise my DM.
I honestly don't 'get' it. I think maybe it's because my DM is alone (she had many BFs while we were growing up) so now as adults they feel responsible for her somehow.
She also took us on holidays (UK) etc - she got to play the Disney parent while DF and SM struggled to bring up 5 of us.

Maybe it's something similar with your girls - their DM has spun them some sob story to turn them against you.
They're still kids really - wait until they have children and they'll realise how much you gave up for them.

Don't beat yourself up about not being the perfect parent - you gave your girls everything you had, everything you could give.
They'll realise one day and come back to you.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than to stick it out.

Maybe you could try writing them letters? You don't need to tell them anything about how upset you are, are what you've given up for them - ExW would convince them you're trying to manipulate them. Just tell them that you miss them. Say you'd love to spend time with them and ask about them, what their hobbies are now. Offer to take them to the cinema or bowling or something small.
Your wife and her DDs don't need to be there.
Tell them you love them - writing it makes it more personal.
At least they'll know you still care and they can always come to you. Tell them your door is always open.