Contacted ExH for first time in a year over critical education issues with DS - all I got was abuse

[MarshmallowHeat]

Feel totally alone in bringing up DS. Had to go NC with ExH as he was always picking fights.

Live 200 miles from ExH. Teenage DS sees him for a weekend every few months. Like a lot of teens he’s had loads of issues, drink, relationships, school. He’s bright but quite ‘lost’. I support him with zero support and minimal maintenance.

Contacted ExH as it’s got critical with DS and his exams. He did so badly last year he’s going to fail all of his exams. He’s so behind. Asking him to consider funding private tuition. He just hit me with a load of abuse but told DS he’d pay ‘half’.

He also said he’d pay for a car for DS next year even though DS is risks taking and impulsive ADHD under Camhs team for this and a car would not be advisable.

I’m sick of this, all of it. The low maintenance and yet treating DS. DS treats his Dad like a King, saying how much he appreciates and loves him.

I’m even sick of DS not seeming to care that his Dad is nasty to me. He doesn’t appreciate me as much. Even though I do all the parenting, the dinners, the washing, the study help, the schooling, camhs everyone. His Dad just sits back, even blamed me for not ‘letting him parent’!

I wanted to get private tuition, I already pay for loads, I pay for music lessons too. I was thinking of stomping up half with ExH but he’ll likely default or not pay some maintenance if I do, and abuse me throughout. And I’m sick of DS then thanking his Dad so much but ignoring my efforts too.

Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself and down, but I’m really wondering whether I should just stop all the extra tuition and music tuition I pay, even though DS does desperately need it. I’m worried he’s becoming as entitled as his father. I can not afford it but was willing to do my job as a parent. Maybe I should just be more like his Dad and have a great holiday instead with DS and have a wonderful bonding time, like they do, as it may be my last chance. Going NC again with ExH and just stepping back from the burden of sole responsible parent for a bit. But then that does leave him almost certainly failing his exams.

What, wise lone parents, would you recommend?

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. You have done an amazing job single handedly supporting your son. Don't doubt the hard work and effort has made a difference.

It is so hard when you have to make these decisions by yourself. Going nc with ex is the best way forward.

Is there someone impartial who could talk to your son about how he feels he can be supported. If he doesn't want to put In the effort with his education then there is little point spending your money. School and exams aren't for everyone. He might find a different way through college/apprenticeship. He might come back to education later in life.

As for the car. I would suggest you manage that as best you can. Once he has passed his theory had some lessons (who's paying for those) then a car would be possible?

Did you not get the answers you expected when you posted in in AIBU?
You said in that one that you wanted ex to pay half towards private school.
If you're NC with him, how can he be abusing you? Also, which parent did the moving away if you now live 200miles away from each other?
It does sound as if you're finding your son hard work at the moment. Why not send him to his dad over the summer to give yourself a break, then regroup in September to think about strategies to support his learning.

Being ‘Piggy-in-the-middle’ of two warring parents must be tough on your son. He won’t understand how much you are sacrificing (and why should he?) and will want to feel loyal to you both. Please don’t play ‘Good cop, bad cop’ with his emotions and expect him to take sides. The relationship breakdown is between you and your ExH - keep it that way.

Why doesn't your ds go & live with his dad, then both can see what an amazing job you are trying to do. Serious question. Your ex doesnt get to opt out of parenting.

Can't advise but I do sympathise. DS sees his Dad, but never stays overnight. They're more like mates. Ex has messed with his head and even after 3 years of family therapy with Camhs, DS thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Ex does no parenting and DS has been a handful with failing exams. I had to call the police on him at one stage (advised by the therapist) for his constant theft.

So I'm the bad guy all the time. It's fucking hard.

I really strongly disagree with the ‘warring parents’ analogy. ExH has hurled abuse at me. I have not taken part in a fight with him. This has always been the case. I really worry that DS thinks it’s normal and OK for his Dad to utterly hate and abuse me.

If his Dad had hit me, would that have been a ‘fight’? Would DS be merely ‘caught in the middle’? It’s the same but with words.

Since I have been totally NC with ExH, DS has been noticeably more trusting with me and our bond is stronger. His Dads hatred of me has affected DS and our relationship when crucially I was the only one parenting. He started concealing stuff from me and drinking, getting into trouble. I realized I had to tackle it head on, and told him that he shouldn’t take his Dads feelings on board. That I was on his side, that I loved him.

We got through that, but unfortunately his confidence is shattered as his school work had suffered. I’m thinking I should never had re contacted ExH over paying tuition. And yet I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. By being NC ExH gets to live in a fantasy ideal with his DS just having fun with no parenting responsibilities. Yet I involve him, and all hell breaks loose onto me in the form of name calling, accusations and abuse.

yes contacting exh was a mistake = he's not a parent- never has been never will be.....

chucking money at ds education is no use if he doesnt want to do it....
what do his school say? they should be helping with solutions or options if he is failing.....

ignore the driving thing - thats all bollux as well - how is he going to pay for his driving lessons etc if he lives with you....just ignore ignore ignore

The school recommend going into the bottom classes. They have given up on him.

I agree, Marshmallow. Too often the label of 'warring parents' comes out. For me, the abuse is one sided. I'm just trying to get through life and put my kids first. Are we meant to ignore what's best for the kids to avoid a war? How do you label reasonable requests, when the other side just gets angry at everything?

possibly being put in the lower classess may prick his ego enough to do some work.....
or are smaller or have more experienced teachers
it is ususally not in a schools interest to have someone with high targets fail - completely screws their stats!

what other options are there near you though? college ? studio schools ....

I'm not sure private school will be the answer for a boy that doesnt want to learn or behave at that age...or is it a sort of crammer college - again they will expect lots of work

you may just have to let him fail a bit to grow up....

yes I would have the holiday with him - actually see you can reconnect in a positive way as you sound very negative about the situation (understandably I think with ur EX) but it will be evident to him...so maybe rubbing off on your relationship with him as well..

Thanks everyone. I’ve been really thinking about all of this. With some horror, I realize I’ve got a big issue possibly as important as DSs grades - the extent to which ExH hates me, blames me for stopping him parent, and the influence he has on DS, and how much this affects me and my sons relationship. DS models much of himself on his Dad.

Maybe no tutoring, or music teacher. I spend the money in getting myself more financially stable, even get some counseling, and have a holiday with DS?

Does he like the music ? It would be the last thing I would cut as have seen the benefits kids get from music - as can be theraputic and also a way to connect with others.... could he do more/different music - I've jsut signed my teen DS to a music tech course....
the other tuition is only worth it if he works.... does he actually do teh work?

he will model his behaviuor on your ex as thats his male role model....if you let him....think about how you want your relationship to be with him - yes money on counselling maybe better as a help to you but maybe also some family counselling for you and DS ?? or counselling for him has he had any..

would he do something like scouts/CCF or air cadets or stuff like that - get some different role models that are not nasty...

Just block contact with EX you dont have to listen to/engage with him at all..

Of course. I’d love him to carry on with music, I’ve paid for lessons for years. However I am tired of just providing and parenting 100%. ExH bought him an expensive music instrument for example last year, DS couldn’t be more grateful, and funnily enough I got no maintenance that month. Meantime I spent 3x the cost on music lessons, that I have to cajole and remind DS about every single time.

Family counseling. Wonder that may be an option? He does need better role models. He has a step Dad, who is hard working and kind, but he is very cagey and distant to him.

I’ve said no tuition, any tuition, or private schooling with ExH. So I will not now have to engage at all.

It does really suck sometimes though doesn’t it?

DS really could do with one more year of tuition help. He could do with a father who parented even a little. Just one year of interest and financial back up from his father, isn’t much to ask.

I could really, really use a co parent to support me and share how DS is.

No one wins with a vicious Ex.