Single mum, husband has given up!

[Noahfreya01]

So I thought I use this as a way of expressing myself before I burst! My husband and I have been separated since 10th March and I had always hoped we would sort it out. He suffers with depression, it’s been a long battle, which gets worse when he goes on drinking binges. The night I decided enough was enough, he threw a knife at me, and squashed toast in my face in front of the kids. This night was a particularly awful night, he was drunk again and came home ready to start a fight. By no means am I innocent, I fought back not in front of the kids. That was the night I gave him a choice, he leaves and gets help or he stays and the kids and I would leave. He left. I have had a barrage of abuse, guilt trips but I know I made the right decision. Please do not misunderstand me he was always a fantastic father but the depression made him not such a good one and I thought the space would give him a wake up call. It hasn’t so much and about a month after leaving home, I found out he has always been messaging inappropriately, when I say inappropriately I mean messaging other women that a married man should not be messaging. I am now being called unsupportive and heartless about his depression. I’ve tried to be there but I couldn’t help him, the knife was the straw the broke the camels back and I had to protect the kids. It makes me physically sick they witnessed this. Now I’m in limbo, he says he’s wants to come home but I know he’s been up to all sorts which he doesn’t know I know. He has had 3 therapy sessions and says he’s much better, do I let him back? Will he change? What’s best for the kids? Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated because I’m no mans land do I believe he’s changed, if I don’t let him home am I not being supportive with his depression. The kids are my priority and to think we could go back to that fills me with dread!

[Flora82]

I’m not convinced he’s been honest with everything to be honest. He sees himself as the victim and plays it very well. He’s not taking any responsibility so I guess his family do not see the issues either.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Ide draw a line in the sand op, and file for divorce, you can't save him

[Flora82]

You would completely wash your hands? He’s already said i made him leave at his lowest point, and that’s why he’s the way he is.

[Starlight456]

How about yours and your children’s lowest point . Having a knife thrown at you and toast put in your face I imagine was pretty low .

Can I ask you take guilt and blaming coming out of his mouth. Do you actually like love him? Do you see any happiness in a future together.

You do need a complete break from him without him dripping your responsibilities to you .

I read these posts as a man planning to do the absolute minimum to get himself back in his position of in your house and you doing what he expects

[Flora82]

I thought once he left, we would have space and we would both work at it, he would go to therapy and we would work it out. But after a month of him leaving he’s messaging other women very inappropriate things. I didn’t give up on us, and I truly thought we would work it out with hard work on both sides but I guess I wasn’t worth it, which just makes me feel so foolish that I put up with this behaviour, and that he’s never tried to fight for us.

[Starlight456]

Don’t feel foolish for wanting it to work out .

But you can’t work together . He has lots of issues he is blaming you for . You need to focus Bon yours and children’s life .

Reduce any interactions unless it relates to the children.

[candycane222]

It isn't your job to fix his depression or his alcoholism, it's his job. He expects you to fix it for him, while he goes on drinking and avoiding responsibility and blame. He seriously expects you to put up with being assaulted as a form of "support". I wonder what his counsellor would make of that?. It isn't likely that his counsellor has said "your wife needs to let you go home and throw things at you", is it?

How convenient for him that he can blame your 'lack of support', instead of manning up and facing what he has done. He needs to own his shit. Only when he stops blaming you, and as pp have pointed out, when he actually appears to take your feelings into account, will you know he is really owning his shit. He is a very very very long way from that - and of course it may never happen.

In the meantime Do Not Let Him Put His Shit On You.

[Flora82]

This is exactly how I feel and I’ve tried to tell him all of this but he continues to say the same stuff that I’m not supportive, he’s battling, he’s trying, he’s doing it on his own. On good day I know I’ve done the right thing, on a bad day feel like I’ve completely let my family down as ridiculous as I know that sounds!!

[candycane222]

You have done exactly the right thing by your family here. Women often feeling guilty for not fixing other people's problems but in reality you know who has let the family down: someone who brings violence into the family home and expects to be able to blame other people for it. That's who.