DD7 and DS12. Ex has had monthly contact for a couple of hours after school (his choice) until around May this year when he decided he wanted weekly overnight contact.
No set pattern, usually 2 weeks notice maximum.
DD7 is going through a particularly rough patch.. High anxiety, school refusal.. Being assessed for Asd.. Needs structure, routine.. Has frequent, violent meltdowns.
2nd overnight in May, she had a meltdown. Exh dealt with it badly, his neighbours called the police and they carried out a welfare check the following day, when they were back home with me.
No more overnights for DD... Her choice but no argument from exh.
DS12 stayed overnight about 4 weeks ago. Exh left him and his partners DD13 alone in the house from 6.30pm while he went to the pub. They (the 12 and 13 Yr old) left the house at 10pm and wandered the streets until 11.30pm when exh and partner returned from the pub. I was less than happy about this, but I let it go.
In preparation for 4 nights away with exh in August, both DCs went for an overnight tonight.
DD was extremely anxious about it and was refusing to go at all. Ex agreed that I could tell her she didn't have to sleep over and could come home if she wanted to.
At 7.30pm (just as I was leaving for a rare night out... But that's by-the-by) I got a phonecall from DS who told me DD was upset and wanted to come home.. I could hear her screaming and clearly distressed in the background.
I asked DS to put his dad on the phone.. He replied that his dad wasn't there, he'd left them alone to go and collect his partner and walk her home from work.
I spoke to DD who was very distressed, then asked DS to walk her home (a 2 minute walk).
DS rang again 2 mins later to say he couldn't get out of the house as the doors were locked and there was no key. DD at this point was hysterical. I spoke to her again and managed to calm her slightly. I then rang Exh and asked how far away he was (10 mins). I asked him to walk DD home as soon as he got back and told him that DS shouldn't be put in the situation of having to handle a meltdown on his own, and pointed out the risk to them of being locked in the house with no means of escape.
20 mins later I texted DS to ask if his dad s back.. He replied that yes he was, but he s not letting DD come home, and she was still screaming.
I rang exh and he said that she was staying, even though I could hear her screaming and begging to come home.
I reminded him that we had promised her she could come home if she wanted to and not letting her was breaking her trust. He said "she's not coming home"
I told him to bring her home straight away or I would be phoning the police for assistance. He said no, and hung up but rang back 2 mins later to say he was bringing her home and she's not going on holiday with them.
I'm not sure what my question is here, but I guess I'm just looking for advice on where to go from here.
I have tried and tried to encourage their relationship with exh while he has done everything possible to jeapordise it. He dips in and out when he feels like it, and always on his terms and to fit in with his life.
And now I feel like he is not even keeping the DC safe when he is responsible for them.
I fully expect DD to say she never wants to see him again, and I'm quite honestly not prepared to convince her to anymore. It takes enough patience and effort just to get through the normal everyday stuff with her, and juggling childcare etc over the hols (I work full time) that I just don't have the energy to deal with his crap as well.
Any advice welcome...