Hi
I have got post natal anxiety for which I have just started medication for. My baby is almost 7 months and is the light of my life. My anxiety stemmed from nearly dying whilst pregnant and has made me worry about my baby's health ever since.
I'm a single mum.
I sometimes rock my baby in my arms supporting her head and her bottom, like a rocking ship. She chuckles and we laugh together. I do these motions and get higher each time. I stopped yesterday and had a thought, what if I am causing shaken baby syndrome. I stayed up all night with worry, crying. My baby woke up in the night and has been sick a few times today. Now I am beating myself up that I have been causing damage playing this way? I rock her to sleep every night but in a more gentle motion. I then began to wonder, what if when I'm tired I rock her t sleep but don't realise I'm rocking her really hard?
She has just learnt how to roll over. So when I'm changing her bottom I have to turn her back on to her back. She really fights against me to go back on to her belly. I have now bought pull up nappies so I can change her whilst she is on her front to make it easier because I worried then that every time I was putting her back on to her back she would be injuring her arm or her head. The same goes for when she rolls over in her cot on an evening. I place her to sleep on her back but she wakes up insisting to go on to her belly, so I stand over her cot and roll her back on to her back until she falls asleep that way because I'm scared she will suffocate on her belly or overheat. When she lays on her belly she doesn't lay with her head to the side she just face plants!!! I'm in such a worry and panic I can't relax. I love her to bits but I feel so guilty that I can't enjoy being a mum out of worry. I question everything. I think it's a mixture of what happened when I was pregnant and being a lone parent, not having anyone there to make decisions with.
So basically now I'm scared my baby has SBS through play, a broken arm through rolling her on to her back on her change mat or in the cot. She just resists and cries and wants to go on her belly and I'm scared I'm a bad mum. Is this normal what she does?
I just don't feel capable. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm so blessed with this gorgeous baby that I can't possibly be this lucky and fear something bad will happen. This anxiety is killing me. Literally. I am contemplating suicide. I feel she will be better off without me. I feel guilty she has me as a mum. I feel like I will ruin her life. Or I feel like she isn't safe with me. Not because I would intentionally harm her but because I'm not capable. I feel like a failure to her. She deserves better. I'm nearly in tears. I am so so worried she is going to die because I am a crap mum. Please help me. I don't want to give up. I picture her in the future and just can't wait to have an amazing life with her. She is my number one priority. She is my life. I would give up my whole world for her. Please help me. Is she hurt? Am I doing a bad job? Then I feel guilty because I get angry that I can't protect her... sometimes I just want my life to go back to the way it was. Not because I don't want her... quite the opposite. It's because I love her TOO MUCH and she's too precious.
I even worry she'll grow up and then get cancer or something and be on a children's ward. The feelings of worry I had when I nearly died when pregnant and worrying about her health after I was so ill has not left me and is getting worse and worse and now it's snatching away my sanity and my ability to be a good mother. I have clear imaginations and thoughts of my screaming in a hospital at losing her. My pregnancy was so hard. I was abandoned.
As I'm writing this she's falling asleep on me as I'm definitely worried the rocking play has caused SBS or rolling her over on her change mat! 😭😭😭
I'm a complete loon. I'm on the verge of giving up. She's too perfect and it breaks my heart.