How do you deal with DC missing you when with the NRP?

[Bubblebrush]

STBXH and I have been separated for 5 months. He hasn't been brilliant about contact but has sort-of now agreed to having our 2 DC (age 6 and 2) EOW (Saturday 10am to Sunday 3pm)

The 6 year old misses his Dad but I can now guarantee that I get a phone call by 3pm on the Saturday to say how he is missing me and needs to come back for tea and sleep here. This means both DC come back. Any excuse basically for STBXH to not do the harder bits.

I know DS does miss me but I equally know that STBXH encourages it and makes any brief mention of me into an excuse to come back.

I really need a rest (no relatives - everything now down to me - and I work) so don't want to give in easily.

What do you / would you do?

You need to stop calling / him calling you (you’ve done only been apart 5 hours) and leave dad to parent. A 6 year old shouldn’t be making the adult decision on contact.

You need to be unavailable to take that call at 3pm so that STBXH has to deal with it and parent.

@NorthernSpirit I don't feel it's the 6yo - it's the 50yo dictating it. If I don't answer the phone, he'll just bring them back anyway.

Tell your ex you are away visiting friends/family etc.

Stop the calls. It is clearly distressing dc. I understand this is their dad.

My Ex offered for me to call anytime when he first had the children over night. I asked why would I do that. It's 24 hours. The other 12 days a fortnight the children don't hear from him. It is hard to begin with but boundaries need putting in place. Good luck.

@Bubblebrush it will be hard, but it needs to be as he picks them up a ' oh I won't be here I am going to stay with Susie in a London for the night'.
I have been there the tearful child on the phone it is hard I know, but the only solution is to make yourself unavailable. But your XH must not know in advance, by being the children back at the drop of a hat he is preventing creating a new life. This is probably about control of you, you need to wrest that back.
So prepare yourself as you say you won't there he may come up with what if the children need you 'well they will be with you I know that will be safe and cared for'. No further discussion after that you end the conversation.

Would it be easier for everyone if it was made into 2 short stays so Saturday and Sunday 10-3?

Otherwise make yourself unavailable. Can you stay overnight elsewhere so you can't get back etc?

@pikapikachu Easier for everyone but me. It would mean I do every bit of cooking, the early mornings, bedtime... This is exactly what STBXH wants - the fun bits but none of the parenting. And I'm shattered. I love spending time with the children and of course hate them being upset but I can't do this alone with no decent break at all. I know people do but it doesn't help DC ultimately either.

@Lonecatwithkitten Yes, the tears are the killer. I've had the first call already today - and now angry "pick up the phone messages". I had replied saying simply that it's not convenient and is it an emergency.

"pick up the phone" messages, that should read...

This sounds so awful for you op. Many posters have suggested it but I would say you've gone away or going out for the night and make sure you tell DC too so the 6 year old knows that mummy has gone out.
I hope it works out for you

I know what you mean about the easy/hard bits as my ex picks them up after lunch Saturday and returns them on Sunday (without having fed them lunch) but I'd personally find waiting for the inevitable emotionally blackmailing phone call to be stressful. If your ex has them for 5 hours then at least your kids won't be going through the emotional manipulation by their father every time.

I think that you have little choice but to start being unavailable for early returns and telling your ex to pack it in with the calls.

I agree with PP. Stop communication. If it's an emergency he will let you know. If he turns up at your door don't answer.

How's it going @Bubblebrush

@eve34 Not too bad thanks. They are still with STBXH. He tried a few "but I just want a bit of advice" and "I thought we could still parent together" type messages. All nonsense of course - he just wants me to make the decision as to whether they come home to me and be the bad guy.

So I just said I was busy and he would need to get on with it. Felt AWFUL but ultimately I think it's the only way to keep a relationship going between them and their father. If it's only for a few hours a fortnight, I think it'd just get worse.

@Bubblebrush well done it isn't easy too start with. My line was you can parent too.

Just be firm. It was liberating to me that I didn't have too respond instantly to his calls and messages. Good to get boundaries in place now. If there is an emergency then of course he will be in touch and let you know. Otherwise he needs his time with the children so they can understand the change in the family dynamics.

Also in time you will get use to the free time. And make your own plans.

Can you have saved text reply for him next time that says 'Are either of the children seriously ill or injured?'
So that your level of engagement is minimal.
He will phone less and less as he realises you are not just going to jump to his tune.
Well done for this weekend it gets easier.