Ex taking DCs on holiday

[HalfMyLife]

ExH has DS12 and DD7 approx once a week for a couple of hours after school - picks them up, gives them tea then drops them home as soon as i get in from work. This is fairly recent - up until around 4 months ago he was only seeing them once a month.

He works shifts, so contact is different each week, and usually he only lets me know 2 weeks in advance when he wants them.

They have not spent a night at his house (which is actually his girlfriend's house, not his and they have no belongings there and slept in the living room) for over 2 months because DD7 did not settle very well there as he went from never having them overnight to wanting them overnight once a week. When it went wrong, i suggested taking it a bit more slowly, at her pace - he told her she couldn't sleep over again until she could behave.

He refuses to use any more than 5 days of his annual leave on spending time with his children. I work full time, so over the summer, and other school holidays i use all my leave plus have to work out a complicated childcare schedule well in advance. I have asked him numerous times to let me know when he wants to see them over the summer so that i can factor this in.

The only time he has committed to, is having the kids one week, Mon-Fri and taking them away to a caravan.

DD7 is worried sick about this...she doesn't want to go. She is currently being assessed for autism - she's struggling with anxiety, refusing school, and having lots of violent meltdowns. She's worried that daddy will shout again......she's worried she'll miss me.

Anything we do as a family, I prepare her for - even a day out - we discuss it, we look at the website - we talk about what we'll do, what we'll eat. all these things help her feel calmer.

ExH will not tell me where they are going - he won't discuss any details with me so that i can help our DD feel safe going there. he says he will talk to her about it - fair enough, but she looks on me as her 'safety net' and if she asks me questions about it and i don't know the answers she's going to feel that it really isn't safe (no matter how much i reassure her). She doesn't even know who else is going on the holiday.

My ideal solution would be for her to be given the choice whether to go at all - if she says no, then suggest that she goes for 1 or 2 nights - if she's enjoying herself she could then stay another night, and another etc - if not, then i will drive to pick her up and bring her home. ExH will not enter into any discussion at all about it, and from experience i know that if i put that suggestion to him his response will be "she either comes for the week, or not at all".

So - does what i'm suggesting sound unreasonable? Even without the added complications of DD, do i not have a right to know where he's taking the children?

sorry, that's a bit rambling and all over the place - but any advice or anyone been in a similar situation??

Thanks

x

Sorry you have to deal with this OP - I have a similar DD and also face these problems, though my ex is slightly better.

I work on him by taking a “of course you want to do what’s best for DD” type of line and appeal to his need to see himself as a good dad. I know it’s hard to do and he’ll try not to play ball, but I do think what you want to do is reasonable and if you can present it to him in a calm “best for dd” way you might get through to him.

Is it a disaster if she doesn’t go after all? If not, you have nothing to lose by trying.

Also do you have an educational psychologist or Camhs doctor helping DD? If so you could refer to what they have said is best for her, such as always preparing her with lots of info, and giving her safety nets like being able to phone you etc. Even if they haven’t directly said that, it’s the truth and you could tell Ex it’s official medical advice.

It sucks I know. . All I can say is remember they get older and get more say in this. This isn’t forever.

Thank you @LadyBumclock (great name lol) that's all really helpful

Sorry you have similar problems

I usually do take the 'i'm sure you want what's best for the kids" but it normally falls on deaf ears and he does what's best for him - always has unfortunately.

It wouldn't be a disaster if she doesn't go at all - but she will be hurt if it's because ExH won't allow her to have the flexibility of that safety net of being able to come home if she needs to, and i'll have to deal with the fallout as usual. I've also taken a couple of days off work that week to recharge my batteries as i'm exhausted - but i'll do whatever it takes to make it as ok as possible for DD.

I've been working with the SEN staff at school - they've done ASD observations and referred her to other professionals. GP has referred to Camhs and i have first appointment in 2 weeks. SEN staff at school did tell Ex in a meeting a couple of weeks ago that she needs preparing for things, and flexibility etc so i could reiterate that.

It's all just such a mess :-(

All you can do is give it a go I think.

she will be hurt if it's because ExH won't allow her to have the flexibility of that safety net

Yes but it's through things like this that she'll learn more about who he is and how to deal with him (without you telling her anything). Mine are a bit older now and I do see them gradually negotiating the difficulties and gaining an understanding of him, and what each of us can provide.

Also if he says she can't go unless it's all done his way, that's an opportunity to remind him that he could improve his bond with her by taking her needs on board.

Is the split fairly recent? I've been separated 3 years now and ex has become less of an arse over time.

Yes, you're right.. My 12yo has certainly come to learn what he can and can't expect from his dad and is kind of resigned to the fact that he can't really rely on him for anything, which is sad.
I guess it's the added worry over dd's struggles at the mo that is making me question everything.
We split just over 2 years ago and I had assumed it would be more settled and easier by now but he seems to get worse and is impossible to co-parent with.