No contact order

[EmpressMummy]

DD is nearly ten and now getting distressed at the thought of a week with my Ex over the summer. We've recently had a difficult phase (it's never been easy) where he has been insulting me in her presence and calling both her and I liars in a series of abusive emails.

I had to talk to her about the subjects raised in the emails as he says she's confided things in him about her weight and that she's upset about it. She flatly denies this as a) he rarely sees her and when she does she's mostly with his fiancee; b) she would confide in me or one of my friends or a teacher as she's very chatty and will always share her concerns with my network if she doesn't want to tell me first and c) says she's not bothered about her weight anyway. I trust her implicitly. So of course we've had lots of tears when I've probed this and her accusing him of lying to me.

When she's there ex and his fiance row a lot which she understandably hates. He's a very angry person - which is why I left him. At home there are minor moans about mess but we never argue. H2B (who has been around for six years) is very easy going and a model stepdad who she adores.

So now the week with the ex is looming, she doesn't want to go. He's cancelled the next weekend visit and blamed me for this as he says he never agreed to it and has other plans.

So when she goes it will be nearly three months since her last overnight stay.

It's always been rocky with sporadic visits leading to her not feeling wanted there. We have no contact order in place.

I work full time so will have to make other plans to cover if she doesn't go and book time off. But do I have to force her if there's no contact order?

He has PR but shows no interest in it and only started paying maintenance a few months back after a seven year battle via CMO.

I said to him this week that we need mediation but I know he'll refuse.

Is it reason enough to allow her to choose her mental health over a visit or do I have to make her go against her wishes?

Sorry for the ramble but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

no sorry i wouldn tmake her go.....at all. She needs you here to have her back.

I would contact ex and insist he has her during the day and build up the relationship first. I remmeber being sent to my dads overnight when my folks separated - i loved him but didnt know him,i utterly hated my mum for it and i was older than your daughter.

Have her back, dont let him bully you either - at around 11 the courts take her view into consideration too - she isnt far off that

I certainly wouldn't make her go. In fact, I wouldn't allow her to go.

Stand up for your DD, she has no-one else to do so.

Thanks. I've had countless sleepless nights worrying about another volley of verbal abuse from him over this.

I know this is the right thing to do - ie not send her. I just don't have the mental fortitude at the moment to deal with him.

Whatever I say to him will be wrong. I suggested mediation last week but he ignored it.

He's so emotionally immature that he'd likely take his anger at me out on her at the next visit 😔

But I'm going to put my big girl pants on and so what's right by her. I'm so lucky my own dad wasn't volatile and lived half a world away.

I wouldn’t make her go . I would though take legal advice .

I think to spend a week with after no contact for 3 weeks and last issues . I would be stopping contact and waiting to see if he takes you to court so I doubt it

She is old enough to decide how much of a relationship she wants with her dad. Let him take you to court for contact, otherwise just let her make her own mind up.