Explaining to my son about his absent father

[lis02]

I'm sorry if this has been asked before.
My son is now 7yo and his dad was last around when my son was 1yo. He's paid no money in the 6 years he's been absent and hasn't seen him in that time at all.
His father wasn't a nice person, chose drink and gambling over his son. Got himself into debt until I left with my son as I had had enough.
Tried numerous times to get him to see his son, still have the messages to prove that. He would ignore my messages etc.
I would never bad mouth his father to him even though he was a horrible person to me but I don't want to make him out to be this amazing person either.
My son thinks I basically need to go find us a dad to bring home and that's how it works. I just wanted to know how to sit him down and word that he does have a father but he's not around.
It was more so why he's not around? I thought about saying he wasn't ready to be a dad. But not sure if that's the right way to go about it. My son is very switched on so I know I need to be fully honest with him about it all.
Has any1 been in a similar situation and knows how to go about this?

I always go with the minimum to satisfy approach .

I have told my son that I didn’t understand why his dad made the decision not to see him but if he wanted to he would have had to get in touch with me.

As he got older he is now 12 and knows if his dad wanted to see him he would have to take me to court to make sure it’s the right thing for him. ( He doesn’t know there were huge safeguarding issues.)

He knows we left his dad s I believed we would be happier living on our own. ( not we went to a refuge)

So I think a simplistic version is best . You may well need to explain more as he gets older

Thank you for your reply.
That's a good way you went about it, seemed to have worked for yourself and your son.
My worry is if I say he lives far away my son could turn around and say but he could get a train/plane to see me. Or if I said he wasn't ready to be a dad, he could turn around and say what about now?

You should say that if he was ready to be a dad then he would have contacted you or proved to a judge that he was ready. You've neither heard from him or the court so it means that he's still not ready to be a dad.

You can't just find a random Dad. It's like making friends- you have to be lucky to find a good one and even then you have to find someone who isn't already married or attached.

Are you even heterosexual? Some kids are raised by gay or lesbian parents.

Personally I don’t like the He wasn’t ready to be a dad . To me how can you not be ready. Baby arrives time to step up . I have worded it differently and said your dad was unable to prioritise what you needed over his own , it may not fit your situation.

He was not ready will just lead to your son waiting for dad in shining armour to come when he’s ready. I think your dad isn’t really able to be a good dad because he has a lot of health problems may be better. No need to say that it was addictions just yet.

" He wasn't ready to be a Dad" wouldn't be a good idea for a 7 year old. What does it even mean ? It's a vague story which wouldn't have any relevance at DS's age. His answer could very likely be " Well maybe his's ready now - let's ask him ".

You say you've never bad mouthed your ex - well maybe at this point , with a bright child, you might have to change that a bit. You can't just keep saying that he was a good person who wasn't ready to be a Dad. The man was obviously a shit who didn't want to be a Dad and likely never will. Personally I'd say he was not a good person and that he isn't going to come back into your lives . It's a tough thing for a 7 year old but no amount of "he's not ready" is going to make any sense to a child who is bright and needing some answers. Good luck OP.

Thank you for all your replies and sorry about my delayed reply. I do agree about not saying that he just wasn't ready because I feel my son would turn round and say but maybe he's ready now etc. And I definitely don't want to make him out to be this amazing dad as he wasn't. But I don't want to basically slag him off as he is only 7 and don't want to confuse him etc. It's not easy

It's horrible isn't it, just horrible that we have these lovely children whose other parent won't give the time of day to.

My ds is a YA now. I said to him that unfortunately his f was quite selfish and was a person who wanted to do what he wanted with no responsibility.

When he was 16 I explained further that it really wasn't personal and that he had other half siblings who his f was also not in contact with.