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I need a reason...

15 replies

isaterror · 25/06/2019 20:23

... to keep going
My life’s been an eternal struggle from an awful upbringing with a violent and emotionally abusive father with a lovely Mum who had the stuffing knocked out of her and died of cancer 16 years ago. A series of failed relationships and friendships brought me to be with a narcissist for 11 years. I got out 5 years ago with my DD but he still controls so much of my life despite my best efforts. I have no money for solicitors and no legal aid entitlement. DD is now suffering from anxiety and talks like a 4 year old 90% of the time. Ex won’t do anything to help, although I’ve tried counselling for her I can’t afford to continue it. Now he’s pushing for 50/50 access purely to reduce me down to zero maintenance.
I have hardly any friends nearby, and no family other than my daughter. I did meet a lovely guy 1.5 years ago who loved me and I loved him more than anything but that ended recently. I’ve done counselling and am on the strongest dose of sertraline there is. Where do I go with this?

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Ravingstarfish · 25/06/2019 20:26

If domestic abuse (including emotional) has occurred within the last 12 months you can get legal aid. My life is very similar, abusive childhood, married an abuser who took me court for full custody, I won and he’s not even allowed indirect contact.
Feel free to message me Flowers
Where are you based?

Janus · 25/06/2019 20:29

I’m so sorry for all the pain you e had. I don’t honestly know what to say but couldn’t read and not comment. Is it worth making a double appointment for yourself and daughter and talk about both of you and how you both need counselling? You shouldn’t have to pay yourself. Failing that I know we have counsellors around here that offer a very reduced rate for those not being able to afford the full price.
There’s also domestic abuse charities that offer fantastic advice, have you been in contact with one? They will start a paper trial to document what your ex is doing. I hope you get some help soon.

PicnicAtHangingRock · 25/06/2019 20:30

Your daughter is the reason that you will keep going. You have my utmost sympathy but you can get out of this rut and the fact that you are asking the questions says that you have the motivation to do it. It is easy to be overwhelmed so try to break down the problems into bite-size manageable pieces and just tackle one small bit at a time. How old is your daughter?

Dragongirl10 · 25/06/2019 20:30

Well op you have been dealt a very tough hand....but you don't have to let it define you.

What is good in your life? I expect it is your DD, build a kind, loving little world around that feeling, you have her, she has you it is a wonderful thing. Dwell on your love for her, spend every spare minute showering her with the love and encouragement you didn't get, be the different parent, because you can be.
Read books with her, fine if they are under her age, find books that make her laugh and encourage any speech, try and nudge her into better speech and feel incredible when she makes a tiny improvement...celebrate her, play games, and the better future you are giving her....because you actually are, you got away from ex, you put her first, you broke the mould and you will keep making what you can better...for her and you

isaterror · 25/06/2019 20:32

Thanks, I’m based in Gloucestershire. Tried getting legal aid and was told I wasn’t eligible. I’ve told him to take me to court for the 50/50 and will have to represent myself probably. He’s got stacks of cash and will afford a good lawyer but I reckon I stand a good chance even going it alone. Where are you?

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Dragongirl10 · 25/06/2019 20:34

posted too soon....read all you can to help her, educate youself whilst looking for help, The more you nurture yourself the stronger you will feel to block ex.

Work on staying positive from within, please forget relationships, your strength needs to come from you first, you have already proved you have it by leaving.
Develop a kick ass mentality towards your ex, he is not in charge, he is not God, he does not control you..

Ravingstarfish · 25/06/2019 20:57

I’ve sent you a message Smile

isaterror · 25/06/2019 21:52

Wow thanks some amazing replies and lovely advice there. There is hope yet maybe. Right now I just feel like I’ve put up my best fight but it’s not been enough

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isaterror · 25/06/2019 22:02

My daughter is 8, 9 in July. CYPS have said she’s not eligible for an appt with them as she’s not tried to take her own life yet, although she is self harming. They’ve referred us to teens in crisis (charity) but the waiting time is beginning of sept and even then she will only be eligible for 7 sessions, it took 5 sessions to bond with the last counsellor so very little will be achieved I fear. There’s lots of publicity around mental health awareness but when it comes to it, there’s actually nothing available through the NHS. Did a years low cost counselling but that had to stop after 12 months, made progress but could’ve kept going for another year without batting an eyelid. I think until I tackle and get rid of the toxic ex I’ll never be ‘free’ to recover properly, I went to see my GP today who is referring me to the Mental health nurse at my surgery. Just got to wait now. Sick of being stuck in a living hell feels like an eternal cycle xxx thank you everyone x

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Ravingstarfish · 25/06/2019 23:53

Can you ask for a referral to camhs or paediatrician for your daughter? What are school doing? They can offer counselling and educational psychologist assessment, which might be helpful if she’s self harming

disneyspendingmoney · 26/06/2019 01:26

CAMHS appointments take a very long time, speak to your dds school welfare teacher, they could give her 1-2-1 ELSA, See your GP frequently and make appointments with your GP for your dd. There are charities and agencies, she might be a bit young for Young Carers. Go to your local library and CAB and ask what is available locally.

For yourself contact Steps to Wellbeing and make a self referral.

Mostly it's taking the time to be a pita over getting help for your dd, this is what I've done for mine.

With the self harm I had a lot of success talking it through with her and said whenever she felt like harming, no matter what I was doing come and talk to me, I'll listen no matter what. She also had a Nokia brick phone to take to school so that she could call me during the day when I was at work.

This and schools Elsa appear to have got her past self harming, it was difficult but she's got through it.

For transparencies same I'm a lone parent single father to 2 DDS, my ex is no help, because of the reason behind me having full custody, I keep her at arms length because of issues, much like you describe with your ex. The court threats are often just those , threats used to grind you down. Until you get a summons, don't get worked up about it (I get those threat frequently, I now just ignore them).That and my parenting etc

Not having the money for a lawyer barrister is difficult, you offer get a free 30 mininute consultation with a lawyer, basically try before you buy, you could explain your financial circumstances and come up with a payment plan. Also you get to ask specific questions about what your ex is saying.

Don't fret, the courts only change the status quo if there is a really really compelling reasons to do so. If he's only had minimal contact over the last five years then he is in no position to suddenly change to 50% of his time looking after a child, he won't have the experience or understanding and that is not in the best interest of your dd. Especially if his lifestyle work means that he's working rather than caring. Few people have the understanding of how difficult it is to be a line parent with no extra support. Family court judges understand this very well and they are sympathetic.

It's horrible and scary what you are going through and I do have some understanding of the thoughts that will rock through your brain depending on what he's saying to you. Take each day as it comes, try hard to put the difficult thoughts he causes out of your head (it's not that easy I know) and focus on your own and your dd's well-being.

eve34 · 26/06/2019 10:23

I don't have anything more to add. But you will get through this. Because what are the alternatives.

It sounds like you have a very supportive gp.

I echo support through. School for your daughter. My ds has had Elsa support for the past 2 years. Art therapy for three months and counselling session since September (although he is at secondary).

Keep a diary of contact. What mood your dd is in when she gets back. What they have done. My kids never brush their teeth or shower when at their dads. And few times dd hasn't even had her hair brushed. What his involvement is between contact. And In put with school etc. See if you can build up a picture of his level of parenting.

You can do this and would offer a friendly ear but I'm not your way I'm afraid.

Dragongirl10 · 26/06/2019 22:22

op as you are doing all you can through CAMHS,and it is slow, how about trying some self help yourself?
l am a huge yoga fan, it has helped me through some very difficult times, read about it, do some yoga videos at home or better still find a class, it does help to really study the breathing and practice it in bed each night.
For me it is the quickest way back to my strength and calm when l need it, you could try and get your DD to join in for fun, its good for bonding.
You can help your DD much more effectively if you are feeling strong, so please find a way to nourish yourself to help you to support her....what makes you happy?

PicnicAtHangingRock · 26/06/2019 23:05

I have sent you a PM

isaterror · 02/07/2019 01:56

Wow you’re all amazing - I’m blown away by what I’ve read - thank you.

Unfortunately school are no help whatsoever. I’ve tried on multiple occasions to get them on board and had a meeting last week with the head and her class teacher hoping to get some continuity for her between home and school. But the head teacher just brushed all my concerns aside and said everything I was describing was ‘completely normal’ I put my point across that a child speaking in a baby voice at this age and crying daily about not wanting to grow up and peeling the skin off her fingers and toes is far from normal, she didn’t have any response to that but they still refused to do anything as they say they don’t hear the baby voice in school, and she is meeting her educational targets. I can’t even move her school because I’d need her Dad to sign the paperwork and he would never agree to moving her. The school nurses are slow and ineffective, but I’m still trying!
Anyway just wanted to say huge thanks for all your messages :)

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