Ex has one on the way

[PartTimeFeminist]

Hi all,
The picture is this...

I have a 10 year old with an ex. We split before child was born and have had relative co-operation and good communication in helping raise him to be a very good kid.
My latest gf has a 7 year old whose dad disappeared during pregnancy as he didn’t want her to keep it and has paid £200 CSA since.
Me and my latest ex have just split up. And she’s just told me that she is pregnant. We’ve had a pretty horrific relationship for two years, I think she’s probably a covert narcissist, we can’t resolve any issue effectively, and I don’t know what to do.

With my first son, it was a shock and I was young but I never shirked any responsibility. I always saw that it was my job, not just my choice, to be as actively involved as I could in his upbringing. But it also had its moments of being very hard.
Doing that again, with a parent who cannot be reasonable, can’t ever see my perspective, cant reflect, has no remorse, is very dramatic and aggressive and can’t even put their ideas across with any coherence, sounds like hell to be honest. The child should come first, but I don’t know if it’d be more harmful to the child to have me around trying to be involved, only to be met with her chaos, control and aggression.
Any suggestions?

You need to be an active part in this child's life if your ex is hat bad. There are lots of charities that can help with this kind of behaviour (I'll try and find some for you) that help men in situations like this. Seems that you're a good father and you may regret not having a relationship with your child. They will hate you if you abandon them but if you stick around then you'll have a positive influence on their life and then as a person. I'm sure she will calm down when she realises that you aren't going to do a runner. She is probably scared as she was abandoned before. Make it clear that the relationship is over but your support will continue throughout the pregnancy and the babies life. Good luck x

You want permission to run away because your ex is “psycho”. (In other words: you don’t want the hassle)

You won’t get that here.

You made a baby. Now you have to raise it. Regardless of what it’s others parent does.

Thanks @Laceygabriella I do my best.

And thanks @joxergoestostuttgart too. I can see it looks like that, but the reality is that I’m completely out of ideas.
For a start, I work and she never has. So it’s not really a problem that she will want almost 100% control of the situation in terms of time spent with baby. I suppose I can make a suggestion, of how much availability I have to have baby at my place, and then it’s up to us to come to some agreement over how that will look and then stick to it.
She wants to breast feed (which I 100% support in principle) so that means I can probably only see my baby for very short bursts away from her anyway at first, and I don’t know how practical that can be.

Once I’ve said what I can provide, and we have an agreement over how much of that she will allow, we need to come up with a routine, which will change as baby develops I suppose, and then it’s just a case of both of us sticking to it.
I have real doubts over her ability to agree to me having any real quality, independent access at all (without WW3) and even then, sticking to an agreement and being consistent isn’t really her thing either.
But perhaps that’s the best I can aim for?

Are you certain that she is pregnant and that if she is its yours?

All these issues are exactly what hundreds of others do when the relationship breaks down. They’re really not a reason to decide to walk away. They’re obstacles, sure, because you’re separated, of course it isn’t going to be plain sailing but you’ve given the solutions in your post. You suggest things and negotiate. That’s it. There won’t be a perfect solution that pleases you both, it will take work. Keep your feelings about your ex out of your communication with her and think what’s best for the child. Short bursts of contact to start, yes, but as baby grows that will increase. They’re only tiny For a small portion of their lives. Be there from the start.

Omg if she is so terrible thar why did you stay with her for so long and why on earth did you make her pregnant? Have you heard of condoms? Its not a childs fault you two messed up - you will have to raise him/her.

@singletomingle certain in that I’m taking her word for it and that my best judgement is to believe her.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart but if everything is going to be on her terms, which I suspect because we have never managed to negotiate anything, it’s not fair for me to have to do everything on her terms. For me to be available for the baby, to cut down my time with my other son to accommodate and then be let down or not be allowed to play a reasonable role without it being on her terms, when it suits her, with her there etc etc

@JustMe9 I don’t know, maybe it’s the first time that such a thing has happened.

but if everything is going to be on her terms, which I suspect because we have never managed to negotiate anything, it’s not fair for me to have to do everything on her terms.

If that’s what she tries to do then you go through court. It will involve mediation first of all. You don’t just walk away because of what you think will happen. That’s taking the easy way out. The hard part is sticking around through the shit and knowing that you did everything in your power to be a parent to your child. Or you could be 18 years down the line standing infront of an angry teen with questions they want answered and say “I thought she might make things hard- so I walked away”

Tbh all I’m hearing from you is “but but but...” you’re building up a catalog of excuses that you are hoping makes it okay for you to walk away.

I mean it’s your decision at the end of the day. Walking away does make things easier. For you.

I second mediation and then court if that is needed. There is no excuse for walking away from your own child. If she is a narcissist your child will certainly need all your support.