Anyone ever wished they had stayed married (to an emotionless a-hole) because it's always a financial struggle? How do single parents live?

[Leapoffaith00]

Working tax has been scrapped and the more I earn the more they take.
Today is one of those days I want to escape for a few hours but I know I can't - Left my 2 dd's arguing to pop to the shops....now sat in the supermarket carpark - checking my bank balance (for the 5th time this week) before I go in to get some food. I could cry!
I have absolutely no savings. Christmas goes on a credit card which I never pay back.
I sometimes wished I'd stayed married to have two incomes - then I'd be able to take my dd's on holiday - afford to go out and buy something they needed when they needed it. It's depressing.
Is this it forever?
I don't want to sound like a moany pants. We have our health and a roof over our heads but its exhausting trying to keep up. Especially when my dd's friends have the newest pair of trainers, going on holiday, shopping etc etc....

Yes, I totally understand this. It's exhausting, constantly checking bank account, constantly doing maths on a piece of paper, counting the days til the end of the month, struggling to pay for childcare while I work. But I'm in the early days - separated less than a year ago. The thought did cross my mind: oh god, why didn't I just stick it out with DH in order to have more money. But even while financially struggling, I'm finally free from a very bad relationship - that is priceless.
I don't know how others do it. I'm currently trying to scrutinise everything to see where I can save. I have to keep reminding myself that having health and a roof over our heads is to have a lot. And there must be a way to switch my brain off from constant money-worries - I haven't worked out how yet

If it's any help, I'm having one of those weeks too (and most weeks seem like this) Unexpected bill has left me with 38p until next Thursday. I sometimes wish I had the balls to contact my dd's dad and ask for money but it's not worth the abuse I'll get in return.
I have to keep hold that it will get better and it'll be worth it in the long run!

I hope you're situation gets better and I wish you all the luck

So sorry to hear you are struggling. Can you exH help with expenses for your DC? Is there any family that can help? Am in a situation where am at 90% ready to leave my H. Your post is showing me the other side of 'freedom from a shitty H'. I'll be following with interest. Sending you hugs x

I have the same situation, counting the days between paydays, checking my account all the time.

My ex won't pay cm, there us no point asking for anything because it comes with too much emotional manipulation and threats.

I've even had to take a laptop to the lawn shop to make ends meet and the constant fear if loosing my job because of all the things that go on looking after the DDS, managing school, childcare, and my over compensations for the shit my ex left us in, at times, feels overwhelming.

Worst is people who are not in this situation just don't get it.

I wish I could balance by budget but stuff just keeps on cropping up.

So etines I feel that it's better not to have family or my ex to ask for help because of the emotiobal debt along with the financial debt.

I do believe that one day it will be better and we'll get over this. God only knows when that will happen.

So I do get how you feel, I don't have much of an answer to help or guide you to get through this, other than try to keep on top of it and don't let it break you (sorry that's easier said than done).

If possible either change job or get a second job.

I’ve been there OP, it will get easier. This month might be a write off which probably doesn’t help but get over to the money saving boards for ideas. I save loads every month by going to Sainsbury’s at just the right time and stocking up on yellow sticker items. Paid about £25 last month for about £120 worth of stuff so I was happy.

Thankyou everyone 😊 I really appreciate every message. I'm sorry you are struggling too. It's horrible knowing people struggle this way. It makes me sad.
My exh is not worth the energy in asking. He doesn't contribute to their physical or emotional needs. He pays csa as he has to! I gave up asking him to help a long long time ago. It caused so much distress to my dd's when I did. It's always a no anyway. Long story but he is quite awful. He has a lovely home, drives a nice car and goes on holiday abroad every year. Always cancelling seeing our dd's as he is going somewhere (not that he sees them much anyway - 2 sundays in a month in which he takes them to his mother's whilst she cooks and he watches the football with his dad - my dd's entertain themselves). They haven't been for 8 weeks as he's cancelled.
He really is a person I can not rely on.
I have my mum who has been there to help now and then but she lives a distance away and she is always busy with her partner.
Thankyou for your help and advice here, really appreciate it. I hope things work out for you all too.

It does get better but I do remember the absolute hopelessness of despair when there was just not enough money and loads of costs lining up. I lived in overdraft and on credit for years. If it wasn't for child benefit that I collected in cash from the post office, there would have been times we couldn't eat. (although DCs remind me of the time I baked bread that was rock hard and insisted they eat it....)

But no, never go back.

If possible either change job or get a second job

if only it were that easy!

Cazziebo thankyou - can I ask how it gets better? I worry when my maintenance stops and child benefit. I know my dd's will be older but still at home. I feel guilty that I can't take them on holiday. I feel guilty all of the time. I can just about juggle my one job let alone take on another. Also the more you work the more universal credit they take from you. If I were to be on a better income it would be different. It's hard on minimum wage. I went back to uni to study to enable me to become a mental health nurse but absolutely hated it and now it's like a phobia to work within it so working for a minimum wage now.

It gets better in that you get better at managing everything and childcare costs reduce as they get older. Also, hopefully your salary will increase as time goes on.

The guilt is immense. I still feel guilty about being so tired and stressed all the time and my DCs are older now. I didn't get to enjoy their childhoods as much as I could have done because I was either working or exhausted from working. The fear of losing a job - and the only income - meant I worked so much harder than colleagues.

But focus on the positives :
I loved having sole control over DCs lives
We had fantastic fun times because we never had to consider another adult (we were the sleepover house!)
We did manage holidays - usually staying with relatives - and had great times
I never had to cancel anything because a partner didn't get home from work in time. I knew I had to arrange a babysitter whereas many friends were let down at the last minute.
I had a network of friends I shared child care with. One would collect the DCs from childminder every Wednesday and I'd go there from work for my tea. In return I'd have her DCs on a Saturday overnight to let her and her DH go out.

It's not easy being on your own as a parent but

oops - didn't finish!

not easy being on your own as a parent but there are upsides too.

I went back to uni to study to enable me to become a mental health nurse but absolutely hated it and now it's like a phobia to work within it so working for a minimum wage now.

Did you finish the degree, or complete any of the years? There are absolutely plenty of transferable skills that could open the door to other careers for you; many places view any degree as a benefit to be honest anyway and aren't always fussed on the subject. What would sort of job would you like to do? What kind of hours would be feasible to work with childcare? It's definitely not easy to find something, but it could be that there are opportunities that aren't as obvious- this is how I stumbled into my career.

Thankyou for your messages.
Yes I completed it. Worse experience ever! But I completed it. I have no clue what to do. I have been searching since March. A 9 - 5 is doable. Everything is around minimum wage. I have been banking in a nursery which I have enjoyed. No chance of that wage increasing. I applied for a trainee assessor job, didn't even get to interview stage. I enjoy working with people, I just do not want the challenges that come with mental health. I don't pay childcare as I have juggled it throughout my training. I'm not really sure how it will get easier for me. I know there are lots of good points. I am so so lucky. I just struggle. At this point in time, struggling to see the light.

Worst is people who are not in this situation just don't get it.

That's exactly it, no-one really seems to understand how hard it is. Like you OP, in often wish that I could have someone here to help with time and money. The end of the month makes me physically sick and In try to do the best for my DS but I'm lucky that he's still young enough not to realise that we shop in charity shops and don't go on holiday etc. I always try to believe it will get better and am looking now to see what other things I can do to increase income. It is really hard but you're not alone.

Cazziebo all those positives are great! Never thought about some of them.

Yup it’s a struggle and I earn decent money but not enough to let me sleep at night as I balance the in/out.
I feel stressed every day but have good friends in exactly the same position.
My big gripe is my friends with dh and double my income who are genuinely surprised that I have no savings
Payday today and had 12.00 left over from last month so that’ll go in the Christmas fund. Just so fecking relentless

I know people mean well but by saying getting a better paid job or second job is really frustrating.

Getting a better paid job usually means working longer hours, working harder/more demanding jobs and being even more drained than you already are. It’s difficult and draining enough being a single mum, dealing with mum guilt and trying to provide your child with a stable home, trying to make sure they aren’t missing out, let alone working even more.

I also did a degree and I’m doing my masters and it seems so pointless. I’m not one to expect hand outs but there is no insensitive to work more or a demanding job because the extra money you earn is just reduced in benefits and then as I mentioned above, you are away from your children even more drained and less time to manage finances etc.
I went back to study my masters just so I could reduce my contracted/expected by UC working hours to allow me more flexibility and time at home with my son. The study load is as much as what I would be working, if not more, but I chose when I study (evenings etc so I can be around for school drop off/pick up and have dinner together) and my student loan covers the hours I dropped and UC are happy with that. But In two years time I will be back to square one and I’ll never earn a salary enough to provide for us alone unless I put my career before my children and pay somebody else to raise them :(

Thankyou for all your messages. It makes me sad know you're all struggling too.
Bless you all, you are all doing amazing. I hope things do get better. I can see how this impacts on mental health. It is relentless. I do try to think of the positives and I know I'm not alone.
I have just lent more on the credit card in a moment of 'sod it'! As I need to fix the car and my dd's need things. I'm fed up of feeling guilty seeing them without.

Now ds is 14 I can work longer hours so it isn't a problem but I would advise if possible a second job where you can work from home maybe?

A friend sells Utility Warehouse and every lead she gets £300 earnings and you could get babysitters from sitters.co.uk to visit people in the evenings to get the business maybe?

It does sound very good pay and is something that can be done around a main job. Apparently you pay £50 to join and they give you free training. She also gets free holidays meals out and other perks. She definitely recommends it.

You would just need say 2 or 3 leads a month to get a much better income maybe? Of course benefits would reduce plus tax would be deducted but it would still be some progress.

amp.theguardian.com/money/2017/jul/08/get-rich-quick-utility-warehouse-energy-scheme-joanna-lumley

I'd be wary of utility warehouse.

I don't know the ins and outs but I have changed over to Utilities Warehouse and my dual bill is going to be cheaper by £32 a month compared with EON who I have been with for years.

It's always going to be a struggle as you are covering the expense of two households on one wage - you have the unfairness of curtailed hours or childcare costs that your ex does not.

It gets easier as the kids get older - when they no longer need wraparound care or you can arrange holiday swapping with other parents. Minimum wage and UC withdrawal is soul crushing - your best long term bet is a career plan that allows you to live comfortably without it. I know it's easy to say! But decide what you want to earn (net pay) which would allow savings and treats and start looking at job vacancies that match your financial requirements. Look carefully at the job description and what the employer is after. What do you need to do to be their candidate? It may be two or three stepping stones, but it amazing what happens when you have a goal in place. As a rule women are very good at disqualifying themselves from work if they only meet 80% of the criteria instead of just going for it as most men do.

In the meantime, you can freelance online (e.g.transcription, website assessments, surveys etc), to build up a little extra cash. I am contracted with Appen - just finishing one project for $50. If you have a phone, you can do it.

Is there anything else you could do with your nursing qualification or do you want to stay away from mental health completely? How about training as a counsellor or working in public health on the prevention side of things? I don’t know much about studying as a single parent, but if it’s as a previous poster said that doing a masters put her in a better position you could look at doing a masters in public health (you wouldn’t need one to get a job, but it might help).

A degree is a transferable qualification so you should be able to find something earning more than minimum wage even if it’s not directly related to your field.

Something like this is the kind of role I think you’d be able to work towards www.reed.co.uk/jobs/health-improvement-coordinator/38364699?utm_campaign=google_jobs_apply&utm_source=google_jobs_apply&utm_medium=organic

Yes, I totally understand. My ex husband was abusive, violent, controlling, just awful. I still wish I had stayed!! It was still better than the situation I am in now, and more importantly, the situation my daughter is in now. None of it was her fault or her choice and I feel very guilty.

Financially, it is a struggle but it gets easier but you do have to shift to a ‘every penny counts’ mindset rather than ‘they’ll just take from the benefits’. Try moneysavingexpert to look at ways of keeping your essential spending to a minimum and think about your wider skills to make a bit extra. For example, as a teacher, I also tutor and during exam season I mark exams. Neither exam marking nor tutoring would give me enough to live off but combined, they give me some savings and pay for a cheap holiday each year. In my darkest days for savings I used to put £2 coins to one side which gave me a tiny savings pot to play with and I still do it now some 10 years later - I had £120 in it last time I banked it. I also suggest Future Learn and the OU for free online learning that can boost your CV. It won’t last forever but in my opinion, actively tackling the issue helps enormously.