any advice on how to explain this to 10yo

[disneyspendingmoney]

I don't think I can pay for dds school trip.

I'm pretty much in debt at the moment some large bills and legal costs relating to court orders and dealing with my ex have screwed me over and I've made a mess of my cash flow.

My ex pays nothing in the way of child support but she did pay the deposit on the school trip and proceeded to tell DD that she had paid all if it.

That turns out not to be the case as the school just finally rung me to say that I've got a fortnight to pay the outstanding balance of £350.

So as I see it I have two options, not to pay and find a way to tell DD she's not going on this school trip.

or

Pay the money and continue with difficulties making ends meet, do some "robbing Peter to pay Paul" and just not pay some other debts. for the time being (btw I'm past worrying about my CR).

Asking ex isn't really an option as she'll say yes "I've paid" and then I'll discover again that she hasn't. I think I know why this is being done it's to make me look mean spirited to the dds. Having spoken to the teacher organising the trip, I discovered that my ex had given all her contact details for regarding trip info so all of the information and letters about it had not been coming to me. It was only this morning when dd told the teacher my mobile number did I find any of this out I also now have to check what contact detail the school has. Even though I'm RP primary carer, doctors, dentists, schools etc seem quite happy to change contact details on a whim because someone rocks up and says it needs to be changed.

I think my best bet is to find a way to let dd down as gently as possible, let ex revel in the fact that I've fucked up the school trip. And move past this.

My biggest worry is that I've put a lot of focus on dd's elder sister because of bullying and self harm and this school trip was a way to give back to her for being patient, while I delt with all the other problems

Having written all that my biggest hurt us that I feel that I've let dd down.

Have you spoken to the school about the money problem? They might be able to give you extra time to pay? (Or they might not, of course, but worth asking maybe?)

I asked when I was called this morning, at most I have a fortnight, that's because all the reminder calls and letters went to my ex. It also explains why I haven't got any letters in the post from the school.

The whole address changing thing done by my ex is a seperate subject.

I think the 2 are not separate. That the school allowed the change of details without checking is a massive safeguarding fail. My dc school won't release children at end of school day to non-parent without prior notification.

Explain to school what their actions have resulted in. Ask for a payment plan - cld you stretch to £50 per month for example?

Have you asked ex why they did this? How old is dd? I Would be tempted to ask the specific question of 'why didn't you pay for dd's trip as you promised' in front of dd.

it's a difficult one to explain, I have very limited contact with my ex, she has mental health issues which causes a lot of problems in communication. Face to face communication is a no for safeguarding reasons, she won't use contact book, email or text. These were all made clear and included via children's protection the court orders.

The issue I've noticed is that if someone rings a schools (dentists, hospital, surgery) reception and says change contact details and sounds plausible, even thought the principle and welfare know the circumstances, it may not get passed on to them. There doesn't seem to be the emphasis on security validation from the caller that you get with the likes of call centers or banks.

Bottom line, I won't talk to ex about it in front of DD as I will be called a liar, that I'm making it up and that she never said that and DD got it wrong or is a liar. I'm not going to put DD through those types of stresses again.

I've pretty much now come to the conclusion take the financial hit, let dd have her first school trip abroad and move onwards and upwards.

I would speak to the school and ask if there is anyway you can stretch payment. Explain that a fortnights notice is obviously difficult and if they hadn’t changed contact details without your consent you would of had time to save. It might not get anywhere but worth a shot.

I spoke to the school and the pressure is coming from the travel operator to complete all payments by end of June. "Hands are tied" and "If the travel operator doesn't have it by then".

Ultimatly, it's my bad, I should have been more in the ball, not getting any info from the school and believing it had been paid in full by ex. My assumption was that it was all done.

I can get it all done by the end of June, but it's just another thing that make all this all little bit harder than it should be.

She is very lucky to have you .

I think I would aks to meet head/deputy

you have 2 issues here.

1. is the safeguarding issue around contact details being changed. This is unbelievably poor practice. Most schools systems allow them to send double letters to both parents where there are 2 RP. If you are RP and she isn't, she should not have been allowed to change details.

make it clear that there is a safeguarding issue there.

then point out that

1. Schools poor practice has resulted in you not having any letters etc about the trip. You are now faced with 2 weeks to pay. Suggest that in the light of 1. they may like to help you out with 2! There are usually hardship funds etc available. You can pay the school back at x amount per month

It sounds as if you are dealing with the secretary/teacher in charge of the trip, and I would try and go up a level

Starlight456 kind if you to say that thanks

steppemum yes it's a new teacher who is organising all of this, one I've never encountered before. The principle and welfare teacher are well aware of the situation having attended child protection core and conferences.

There are a lot of new receptionists. Also only one Resident Parent (me), unless you mean parental responsibility. Either way I had zero letters from school only the ones the dds bring home in there bags.

Write a letter to the governing body. They can allow school funding to pay for the trip in special circumstances. My 2 dd's had a residential trip and school finds paid for one. As suggested by the school secretary!

I did mean parental responsibility, sorry, and in that case you should BOTH have been getting letters. Their system really should be set up so you can change your own details but when it is 2 parents you can't change the other person's.
I've just fille din forms for my dd for year 7 in september and the whole form is designed to accommodate that.

If it is a new teacher DEFINITELY get the welfare and or head in on it. New teacher will stick to the rules, old familiar teacher will be more able to be felxible.

Honestly at 10 I would tell the truth. Trip hasn't been paid for and you only just found out and can't do it all by yourself but do speak to s hook as they often have hardship funds. Don't get into debt over it.

I know it will be difficult but I think you should try to send her. I've been on other threads with you Disney and it's evident how hard you work and how much you do for your girls.
I'm sure she would accept it if you told her she couldn't go but this might be something she looks back on for the rest of her life - either with sadness that she couldn't go or with happiness that this worked out for her.

I was brought up by a lone parent who received no support physically or financially from my dad, could never go on the bigger school trips but my mum managed to send me on an educational trip abroad when I was doing my A levels. It was my first time abroad, first time on a plane and I can honestly say that trip altered the whole course of my life. I ended up doing a degree in the subject, made lifelong friends and have a good career as a result.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Thanks OhamIreally for puting some context around it.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion, to put aside how this fuck up has occured, it's happened.

I know this will annoy some people but, I'm already up to my neck in it, so why not, my CR is already poor so it stops money grabbing bastards lenders, lending. It will be an experience for DD that she will remember. As ex has already told DD it's paid for, I'm not going to ruin her expectation. Ex can claim credit for it, so what, I know what's gone on.

As I think I said to you on another thread, This could be another shitty play from the deadbeat ex playbook or it's just happenstance. Either way DD has had an expectation set. And she's been stellar with some of the shittiness she's had to handle.

I am a school governor and I know that our school has funds for this sort of eventuality - as does the PSA. It would be worth trying this.

You can always pay them back in the fullness of time. No school wants a child to be left out in this way.

I am so sorry, that you are in this situation and also second to ask for the hardship fund. The school of my ds alwaysreminds parents of that in their letters.

If your dd's school does not do it, can you ask them to put in writing that the trip has not been paid? Because if that is all a mean campaign of your ex, who would call you a liar and claiming that it is paid, then you have proof.

If you were to pay for the trip with great difficulties, then your dd knows that you did it for her.

I think this is actually entirely the schools fault.

They changed the contact details, when they know you are the RP. They haven't contacted DDs resident parent about the trip and then expect you to be able to pay on 2 weeks? That's completely unacceptable in my eyes, their mistake and it's actually a pretty big mistake. Irrelevant on the trip it is a real issue if they are contacting the wrong people, and allow someone to ring up and change details. It's a pretty big safeguarding issue.

I think you are doing the right thing by sending her, but I think you should contact the school again first.

Ask for a meeting with the head and approach the pta - any chance you have parents that can help
Loan etc - do you have a court order ? If not I’d advise getting one specifying would has residency etc and ensure all letters are posted and emailed direct to you - same with doctors or dentists. It sounds awful poor Kidman’s pooor you

Poor kid and poor you - I meant!

Ilovemylabrador I'm court ordered to the hilt for the dds children's protection saw to that, it's just annoying that I have to keep showing people/agencies them as my word isn't accepted. Never realised that that would happen.

BlueCornishPixie I think I'll get dd's trip sorted before I get involved with that. The principle and the welfare teacher know, they've both had to handle ex when drunk. It's just I don't think many others in the school staff know. Which is where this I think stems from. And I don't think the p/t receptionists would necessarily know. I had a similar issue with dd1 school where a teacher went in to dd1 about 50/50 residency and that dd1 had a choice. When the court order states very much otherwise.

Hi mate. For what it's worth, I think you're making the right call in letting her go. It's a bugger sometimes, but we shoulder it, stoop a bit lower, and keep buggering on.

As a school governor, I do agree with others that you should see if there's any help available - even if it's the achool stumping up the payment up front from the School Fund and giving you some time to repay.

If your daughter gets the Pupil Premium, that's another angle to explore, as well as hardship funds etc. PP is there not just to help with academic attainment, but also for kids' wellbeing, which includes ensuring kids can participate in activities that they might otherwise be excluded from for financial reasons.

Worth checking.

Keep doing an awesome job!

Oh, and on the address thing, the school almost certainly uses SIMS or a similar IT system. The safeguarding lead at my daughters' school arranged for a prominent message to go onto the girls' records that every communication must come to me as well as their mum, because she was also playing silly beggars with the school's records (we're 50/50 rather than having a RP/NRP, but she also has some mental health issues that make her behaviour erratic). Just means that staff such as receptionists don't need to know the details of the girls' case, but they still have to follow the instruction on the record. Worth asking if yours can do the same.

I haven't got any advice to offer but I just wanted to say it's clear you're doing everything you can for your girls and they are so lucky to have you.