Disagreement over school - not sure where to start

[Daisyneedle]

Hi everyone,
Sorry, quite long, but bear with me.
I wonder if anyone has any advice on where to look for help or support over a problem between me and my daugher's father over schooling.
We live in Aberdeen, so I expect there will be differences throughout the UK about the legal issues and so on, but just any help would be fantastic thanks.
My daughter (14) will be going into third year of a state secondary school next academic year. After a very bumpy start in first year she has settled in school and is in the top sets for all streamed subjectsand is thriving. The teachers seem to love her and she has a lovely group of friends, most of whom helped her through her tough first year.
My ex has enrolled her into a private girls' school for third year.
I had a chat with her and she has been keeping her dad on-side by entertaining his idea, they have a great relationship in general. However, she has told me that she is miserable about leaving her current school and doesn't want to move. She says she is happy where she is and believes she can do well and go on university.
After taking a year to settle in secondary, I am worried about the effect on her.
I have told her that I will support her choice wherever she chooses, but her dad has made it clear that he doesn't believe in allowing 'children' to choose their own education.
I find him very difficult to talk with face-to-face about anything contentious and have resorted to texting to let him know the situation.
It is hard to explain, but we just seem to go in circles when we argue and having everything in writing is best for me and keeps things cooler.
He has not replied to me, but has texted my daughter telling her she has no choice, but that he will support her and ensure that she has a lot of support at the new school, plus details of the benefits to her etc..
She has now gone into her room and is hiding, she hates upsetting anyone, most of all us.
I don't think he can force her to attend a school, but I'm not sure if there are any organisations I can contact.
What can I do? Thanks in advance for anything.

You support your DD wishes (if you believe that is on her best interests) and state she will stay where she is.

Presumably if he took it to court it would be you and DD versus him and she wouldn't have to go.

Is there pastoral support available at school where she can speak to someone? Does he usually bully you/DD?

The key question is who has residency in England and Wales. Whilst the other partner is allowed a say in schooling and to know what school they are at they are not allowed to be unreasonable or have sole control. Where you can't agree the court will decide for you but they take a dim view of this. I would say if you have residency, even if 50/50 care then where she goes to school should be heavily influenced by where you are saying she is happy and settled and doing well academically.

So I would personally consult a solicitor, get them to write to him and look at the cost of a court order to keep her where she is if at all possible.

A friend of mine has a similar issue but academically child has dropped back significantly in school forced to attend by other parent (for a variety of reasons) but she has just got a place elsewhere but now needs to look at funding etc.

Hi,
Random thank you, I'm not 100% sure about a dedicated staff member for pastoral care, but she does have a house head, so I will start there.
I think it would help her and the school if we are all in the picture, in case of any issues affecting her in the classroom. The staff know she had difficulty in the past with anxiety.
I agree that, if we did have to go contest this, that she has a strong argument to stay where she is, I can't see a that judge (?) would refuse her.
I mentioned her approaching her house head, but she doesn't seem very enthusiastic. She is OK with my contacting the school though.
RB thank you for your input, that is very useful. She sleeps here in my house 6 nights of the week, but has regular contact during the week, but comes home around 8 or 9pm. I think I have residency?
I am hoping we don't end up in a legal battle, but want to be prepared for that outcome, just in case.
This is all so stressful and the pressure on her is so upsetting.
There are counsellors she has been in touch with in the past, so I might contact them and ask if they could see her before the end of term.
Thanks again.

I can't imagine any judge forcing a child of that age to change school against their will. It would be bizarre. It will be a shame if it gets to that point as it's likely to impact on her relationship with her father.
He can't force her to change schools. If he keeps pressuring her she will soon start avoiding him. He needs to accept her wishes. I would tell him all that, calmly, in writing.

I would also get legal advice and inform the private school you have residency and do not agree to her attending

It's right that the decision shoukd be heavily influenced by what your daughter wants, and if she is opposed to the idea, and tou are backing her, then I can't see a court granting a specific issue order to requite her to change schools. So she can't be forced into this by her dad. And it is shoddy on his part that he is trying to force her like that

That said, I would encourage you to make sure her view is an informed one. Private school is a brilliant opportunity for her, and deserves real consideration. So, some things to think about:

• has she had a chance to visit the school, look around, talk to some of the pupils, and really get a sense of what the place is like?

• have you all been through with her how things could work in practice, IF she wanted to go? How she could keep in touch with old friends, etc?

• have you taken a dispassionate look at what each school can do for her future prospects? How might each of them support what she wants to do with her life (if she knows), chances of getting into the right uni, whether they offer the courses that are most likely to interest her at A level etc.

• have you looked at the exyra-curricular side, and the opportunities each school can offer her, to enrich her experienxe of school?

• does she know that you'll definitely support her whatever she decides? It's clear that her father is trying to push her one way - so she needs to know that you're on her side. Are you ensuring that you're not pushing her the other way, so that she ends up feeling torn?

It's definitely worth working through all of that in a dispassionate way with her, tk ensure that she's making an informed choice. My eldest is 14, and their friends are a huge influence at that life - sometimes, they need a little prod to look at the bigger picture, too, amd to be reminded that they don't lose their old friends, and will also make new ones.

If you've both done all of that with her, then I'd say absolutely back her up whatever route she decides. And her dad needs to back off and respect her autonomy.

Wondering if the private school does taster days? You will have to hurry before the end of term. It might make the decision easier one way or the other.
If your daughter hates it then she could probably make her case with her father with more conviction. Of course the opposite might be true.