Help, I'm drowning

[samb80]

I am looking for advise:
Husband and I recently split up (4 months ago) after 10 years together (two kids 11 and 7), I was very unhappy in the relationship for a long time. He drank a lot, was emotionally and mentally abusive and I was just there to hold everything together. I was young when we got together and by the time I 'grew up' I was two kids in and knew I made a massive mistake. Since the split (which I initiated) he's only seeing the kids once a week and pretty much using them to control me - he's doing everything he said he would 'never do' and blaming me because this is what I wanted.
He's using Facebook to portray this 'great' time he's having and using his sisters friends to make me jealous (actually just making me cringe).
But the problem is I am absolutely drowning with work, money, the kids and just life in general.
As an example, he took a week of work which I wasn't aware of and only found out after but one day I was going to be late to get the kids from school and dropped him a text to see on the off chance he could get the kids. He responded with the usual 'I'm busy' 'this is your problem' 'this was what you wanted' it is just soooo frustrating.
I am so down, I'm resentful of the children then feel guilty about it, i am ashamed that there's times I just don't care, I am literally feeling every negative emotion most of the time. Everything feels like such hard work.
I would like to hear from anyone that's been through a similar experience and just want to know when is it going to get better 😩

Sounds like you are having a tough time. That is understandable as you adapted to this new situation.

Just go Day to day and do what you can. Although my split was not instigated by me. It has taken me well over a year to find my pace with day to day life.

As mn would say let your standards drop with the house etc. Just do what you can. Try to get to bed early. And plan ahead with meals. I find getting organised the night before with clothes. Lunches etc the mornings are more organised. I'm sure you already do that though.

Ref the ex. I would rule him out completely. And make other arrangements with friends etc ref the children and childcare. I know you want him to step up. But for now that isn't going to happen. It is an adjustment. And not fair but it isn't worth the head space

Just go Day by day and try not to think to far a head. You will come out the other side.

What I would advise us, slow it down. Your priorities are you and DC, make sure you are looking after yourself. Don't do things that are overly complicated.

Have you talked to your DCs school told them what's happened? Keep talking to the principle/vice principle and the welfare teacher. When ex and I split the school holidays had just started as soon as school stated again I was straight in and told them what was going on I asked them to keep an eye on my two and to be aware that there might be meltdowns because of what was going on. One thing I will advise if keep on top of school uniform and packed lunches (if they have them). Make use of after school club, mine was excellent, they turned a blind eye to a few accidental missed payments, make friends with them.

Don't worry for the short term about healthy eating comfort food is just that a comfort There were many times when I was confronted with hungry (by the DC's) and looking at the fridge freezer cupboards and my mind went blank so it was off to maccyDs.

Don't rely on your ex, if they are proving to be difficult block em on everything tell them if they need to contact you, then they write you a letter. Don't take an interest at all in their lives they will do things just to hurt you more.

Go and see a few solicitors the first 30 mins are free ask them what the would recommend for a child arrangements order, throw in a trick question like "What would you recommend if I wanted to move the children's residency to a different city?" The answer should be, we recommend that the NRP bear all the costs of travel to the DC's residency and that can be folded into the cao" Then ask them about specific instruction orders as well as financial order. But at the end of the day court orders have no teeth for enforcement unless you ex behaves extremely badly so that the police have to arrest them.

Finally, find a way to take time for yourself, mine are long radox baths, gym during work lunchtimes and early mornings on a Saturday so I can have a cup of tea, watch some grown up junk TV while the DC's are asleep.

Tell work what is going on, you are entitled to parental leave make them aware you are under stress at home. Money, sorry I don't have anything to say, I've completely ballsed mine up, over compensating with the DC's and buying them shit to con them that they are happy, paying for a lawyer and barrister because of the courts and for legal protection, it can be shit scary what an ex will threaten to mess with your head. Mine went to the extream of using my depression against me and saying that the DC's should be put in care as well as making a few unpleasant allegations that had to be investigated.

I won't sugar this, it is hard, it's difficult it's unpleasant, but over time you will get into your stride, find routines that suit you and the DC's and you will be in control of your own world.

Thanks for your responses.
I am just sooooo angry about the whole situation. Why do I get left with it all, he puts in NO effort absolutely zero and then he is constantly posting on fb how great everything is 😡 and as much as I know not to take any notice I get sooooo angry.
I am failing my kids but half the time I just don't care. He will send me stupid messages like 'hope your all having a great day' - I don't respond to them but they do make me feel worse.
Today is Tuesday I haven't even showered since Saturday and I just don't care.
I am doing the basics taking to school, clean clothes, cooking dinner (even though it's mostly something with chips).
I am lonely, unhappy, angry, guilty, embarrassed and all my kids do is fight with each other or fight with me and I just can't get a grip on it all.

he is emotionally abusing you. trying to get revenge because you split up.
dont look at his fb or anything. dont reply to him. keep contact minimal, only for children stuff.
your children are growing up. in a few years time they will be able to go home from school themselves. many things will be easier for you.
you seem depressed by the situation, maybe visit gp?

I've blocked my ex on everything except a burner phone, I really don't need to know about the life and times of a narcissistic chronic alcoholic. I've had to clean the piss and vomit up at the same time as shooing the dcs away from the mess.

It's bullshit done to fuck with your head, plain and as simple as that. I had enough of that when we were together.

If you learn to detach and treat him like another "stranger" in the street, then you can go on to have a stronger, more fulfilling life. Because you are stronger, your looking after two young DC's, nurturing them dealing with their issues as well as your own.

Look at pearing out all the pain points in your life atm, his bullshit being one of them.

I know it's easier said than done, maybe try it for a couple of days block all the feeds from all your SM (as well as those who may be connected) and see how you feel. Once he gets the message it's not affecting you he'll move on.

Get a burner phone just for him
Keep it turned off the majority of the time. Block him on your normal phone. Accept that he will not do anything if he thinks it will benefit you. Play the long game. At the end of the day the DC will work it out and it will cost him his relationship with them.

Pretend not to care what he does. Fake it till you make it.

Even though the marriage is over, you will be grieving and the kids are adjusting so yes things will be tough for a while
Go to bed early and focus on the basics. Try to find one thing a week that’s fun for all of you. Start some new family traditions

Things will get better. But he will always be a twat

Yes you all are completely right and I would be saying the same to someone else. It's all just so hard.
I think I am being way to hard on myself and probably need to lighten up.
It took me by complete surprise how he can be so dismissive about his children and just not care. His attitude is 'I'll tell them what you've done when there old enough to understand'
I honestly thought he was going to fight me for them kids, but he doesn't care.
I feel completely trapped and controlled 😩

The dismissive-ness is due to the alcohol and the effects it has on people thought patterns, you said he "drinks a lot". It is amazingly hurtful what has been said to you. In some respects use that hurt to strengthen yourself, the times I start to feel compassion for my ex, I revisit some of the things that were said and that puts me back on track for staying strong for the dcs.

One thing that may be getting to you is the sheer damn lonliness of being a single parent, who do you talk to, who can you turn to? If you can try to find someone who doesn't know the ins and outs of what's going on and chat about stuff. What are your interests? Try and build on them to make new relationships.

he is dismissive of the kids because;

• he knows you will get upset by it
• or he is the kind that wont bother with them-they usually do even if they say they will fight for the kids at the beginning just to stress the mum.

in any of these conditions, dont bother about him seeing the kids, etc., deattach and build a nice life for you and your kids.

I don't know how to do any of that.
Where do I go to make friends and build relationships. It seems such a simple idea but the practicalities of it feels like a mind field.
I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful for the advice, I do appreciate your responses I'm just really struggling 🙁
People see me as this 'together person' and I've learnt from a very early age to put on an outward show. But every minute feels like an hour and I don't know how to get myself out of this cycle. I've been to my gp and have been taking medication for some time and it does help but at times like this I just want to get into bed and stay there for a week.

your children are your best friends. you can start from that.

You can find friendships in strange places.

The lollipop lady outside of dc2 school. After spending time saying hello and thank you for what she does, we now pass the time of day having a chat about stuff.

The lady who works at the customer services counter in Tesco's It started pretty much the same as the above, now I know all the things that her sons are up to.

If you show an interest in people the good people will show an interest in you.

At first I felt very isolated, I was miserable and felt like I was constantly on edge, running around trying to do stuff, keep the kids entertained and happy and their minds off the shit that was happening.

I realised one day that I had to slow it down and support myself. When you get there things start getting easier.

As bluevell34567 says your kids are your friend too and they have friends, those friends have parents, invite kids over for playdates, invite the mums in for a cuppa have a natter about TV or the foods your kids don't like. Overtime friendships can occurs untill playground scraps happen and they fall out.

Thank you all.
I think I just need to slow down, we're in the thick of it and it's not going to go away over night.

I understand. And I second the McDonalds suggestion (off to pick up three DC in a minute and we are going there before their clubs!)

I wanted my ex to step up for a long time but he used that against me, saying i shouldn’t ask him for “help”. Sometimes it is just SO exhausting. And he wants me trapped at home as much as poss, I think - like it own a “punishment” for me for daring to end it.

When I am stressed and tired, the DC suffer because of it too though, the same when I am struggling financially. It so hard to understand why he doesn’t want to make their lives easier.

And he is out there frolicking about, with little responsibility. It is feels so unfair, and it is!

Not much in the way of helpful suggestions, but I understand x

Similar situation here:
My STBXH does the same. Turns up when he likes, buys one of the kids stuff, not the other, blah blah blah.
The situation will only get better when you take a step back.
Stop worrying about what he’s doing. His actions are his problem not yours.
Mine are older, but I was having all the same feelings as you, feeling frantic, worn down, angry, empty.

For me the ‘prize’ was that they both chose me to live with. So kids know a lot more than we give them credit for, yours will as well.

Your kids won’t die if you feed them McDonald’s, the house won’t fall down if you don’t clean it, they don’t have to ‘have everything’, leave them at the after school club, they will think it’s great! Your choice has provided love and stability for them and you, it’s just hard to see it, right now. Your hubby will soon get tired of playing ‘dad of the year’ and anyone that knows you both, will know different!!

Stop. Breathe.

Only do what you want, when you want, towards YOUR goals.

Be kind to yourself, eat chocolate for tea if you want. Frozen pizza for the kids if that’s all you can do. Watch crap on tv, give them a shower together instead of bath to save time! There are no rules!
Chat to anyone that will listen, you’ll be surprised where support and help comes from, and accept it! That opens door for friendships and new experiences.

Don’t give up. You have done so well just to get here.
We have started a MN thread callled support for those divorcing against STBXH against will. Please join us on there if you need a chat a moan or some help!

Good luck

Saw this and thought of you:

Many thanks everyone for your messages. I feel like I've come out of my slump! @user1486131602 can you direct me to the thread you mentioned - I can't seem to fine it myself. I think it will come in handy!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3402371-support-thread-for-those-divorcing-against-stbex-wishes-2

Here we go! Welcome to the group!