Too much for one person

[AllSoComplicated]

I have a stressful job, no family nearby, an abusive ex, a not-quite boyfriend and today I feel like it's just all too much.

Ds is 7. He's wonderful but I've had awful day at work then Ds upset about something at home and I just feel I can't do it.

There needs to be two of me and there isn't. I'm not enough for work and not enough for home.

I want a different life and haven't the energy or head space to make it happen.

To top it off, I think I'm starting menopause.

Too much.

I know how you feel! It's bloody hard work.
I'm sorry to hear you have so little support though. I too have no family nearby so have found I've had to rely on close, single friends and we help each other out with babysitting, etc.
How old is your son? Hopefully he'll be a bit more independent soon.

Oh sorry, you said he's 7. I have two DC, 5 and 7 and I've found myself having to explain to them that I need more help from them and we are a family so we work together.

I took them camping last week and it was great but also challenging.

I hope your new bf is more help than work. Sometimes new relationships require a lot of time and energy that it's hard to provide as a single parent.
I hope at least he 'gets it.'

Sometimes it feels too much.

I do remember last year feeling like that , sobbing, next day had to take my son to a&e . I found that extra strength and he was the priority then .

However at these points you have to take stock and decide what is it that can be reduced, slowed down , given less air time?

Thank you for replies.

@Starlight456 yes you're right. Taking stock is spot on. I'm actually thinking I may need to go back to counselling. Feel like work meetings and new 'relationship" (not even that sure what it is and actually it's not that new either) are triggering low self esteem issues.

@spritesobright in not so sure he does get it. I wonder if I'm just there for him sometimes. I thought I could talk to him. He texted to ask if I was OK earlier and I said not really and that my son had been upset with me too in top of work stuff and he texted back 'woe is me' with a 😉x granted but all the same, felt that was a shitty response.

I have (on paper) a very stressful job,a micromanaging control freak project manager, team members who are clueless lazy argumentative bastards and we're late on our cutting edge distributed compute project

No family at all, ex has 3 hour contact a week and nothing else (it causes more problems given how the dds come home emotionally messed up)

and 2 dds 13 & 11. dd1 is being badly bullied at school.

Also two husky type dogs (that the ex got, and I'm stuck with) that need a fuck tonne of walking otherwise they piss on my bed.

I had a break through moment when I realised fuck work, they need me more than I need them and I've got 2 kids that need nurture and support more than me being stressed and not giving them the emotional thingamajigs that they need to get them to adulthood with the minimum of fuckupery to their lives.

Bottom line you are important to your DS, your emotional well-being is important to get you and him through this, relax, breath and let the stressful shit go. Easier said than done, but give it a try you may find your way at looking at stress changes.

It actually helps just to hear that others also find it all too much sometimes, it's not just me.
I had a low point yesterday, cried myself to sleep thinking about how I'm going to cope with it all. I'm going through the process of a divorce and it's all so stressful having my ex berate and threaten me about it.

I can only hope that it gets better as I have less and less contact with him.

DisneySpendingMoney you're a saint for taking his huskies as well. I really like your point about checking priorities and realising that personal wellbeing is really important.
I recently agreed to increased access for my ex to take the DC. They have been begging me to spend more time with him and it felt like the right decision. But I have to admit that it also hurts that they are now so 'gung ho' Daddy. He spent a year complaining about their mess, their noise, and having to spend time with them, which he called "forced family fun", then he split up the family an and had an affair and now he's suddenly SuperDad. Ugh.

AllSoComplicated I'm not surprised you were disappointed with that response. It is shitty!

He should be listening, empathising and trying to help out if he can.

I also have a new(ish) bf and sometimes I find myself struggling with the balance of seeing him or seeing my children (and then being exhausted trying to accommodate everyone). But at least I feel that he really listens and helps out when he can (which isn't often because I am pretty adamant I don't want to rely on a man again).

I guess I should say that I'm a lone dad RP 100% custody. for transparencies sake.

I have cried more this week than I have in a long time, thinking how hard this all is. My DD 16 coming to end of GSCEs this week but I have so little energy, dealing with mood swings, anger, drama, just extremes really. I have been an LP for 14 yrs and there is also a diagnosis (and refusal to get treatment for) DD’s ADHD on her part that is taking its toll, been going on for 4 yrs now. Ex is useless AF lives other side of world and plays Dad every 2 yrs or so for a cpl of weeks. Feel unloved, disrespected, unimportant and that’s on a good day with DD! Sorry for rant....I hope we all get a break, just hope it will b my turn soon, feel I have put the time in!

@toothfairy1710 bless you. You have stepped up when your useless ex bailed, SN is hard when there is two of you but when you are on your own it is relentless and shit. I have a 15-year old DS with severe autism and I am on my own (with younger DS and DD), ex is one of life's jizz stains and has washed his hands off parenting. Finding the time to do self-care is so hard in the middle of single SN parent chaos, but I have tried really hard this year to develop some resilience tools - including giving less fucks, meditating, and going to bed at 9pm.

The worst is when the children see me crying because I can't cope, DS1 has soiled himself yet again, or because the jizz stain has sent another one of his emails. THAT'S when I feel like a failure - not so much when I forget a homework project, we are used to that here - but if they see me having a wobble. But actually, the loser exes, the deadbeat dads/mums are the ones who have failed. We are showing up, every day, and doing what no-one else does. So there!

@disneyspendingmoney snap, I also have a stressful job that is not going to plan and pain in the arse dogs. Dog walker?

Op, agree with other pp, maybe it’s time to reassess.

I had the same four years ago and was so stressed it was affecting my ds. I changed job to a local one, took a pay cut, got rid of the totally unsupportive Boyfriend and things are much better.
Commuting takes 10 minutes and costs almost nothing. I’m not constantly running to keep up any more and getting rid of the boyfriend means no more nagging & criticism..
I’m no worse off as fewer car bills, less childcare and I’m drinking less. We are both much happier. The relief is huge.

Thanks for replies (esp Disney.. Makes sense) and sorry for others feeling the same. I've had a better few days but I agree about work stress I need to make a mental shift in my head.

It's all not helped by perimenopause! Mood swings are ridiculous!

I'm trying to do what I can. Reading some good stuff. Might go back to counselling if I don't get on top of it.

The 'bf' was actually lovely after I posted last. He rang and said sorry for his text. I hadn't said anything. He didn't mean it to be so harsh but realised afterwards. He does have frequent foot in mouth disease! Anyway he talked stuff through on phone with me for ages and was actually really helpful.

It isn't an option for me to take a lower paid job. I have big mortgage thanks to ex and not much child support. I don't save anything as it is although at least no debt other than the mortgage.

I really think Disney has it. Its a mental shift I need.

AllSoComplicated Thank you for your thanks. It's a tough gig being a single parent, even if you don't have added issues like the workplace playground.

I hope things start to go in a better direction for you, I believe that they will - it just takes a bit of time

I feel for us all, it’s so tough, but we just gotta keep going (with a little help from Mr Vino). Life sucks sometimes but our DC’s will come to realise what they got in us and will appreciate every sacrifice xxxx