Anyone else the only one who 'parents'?

[Oneparentfamily]

Ex doesn't parent, he has shyed away from co-parenting since we separated over a year ago, and has only once intervened when I've needed some support. Even when were together I did the vast majority of parenting.

Now he's moving away, cross country, I will no longer get the occasional day off. He says he will continue to pay CM, but I'm doubtful.

I'm worried how I'm going to do this. It's hard work, and there's no one that can live my life me, I need help with some strategies/things I can do with the dc to ensure they won't be affected by a father who's disinterested at best.

Any tips appreciated. Thank you

I think you will have to accept that they will be affected but that it's not your fault and you are doing the best you can.

My ex moved away and the task at hand looked gargantuan but day by day it's not too bad and getting easier. DD and I do what we want and there's no one to interfere.

I have some good friends and that helps.

I've been on my own since Xmas. My DD is only just turned 1 so I'm not sure about the effect it's had or will have yet. Ex is useless and has seen her a handful of times, I have to chase him for Cm. But life is actually a lot less stressful without him, although it's still hard work! Things I do to make my life easier

Get a routine down for evenings and mornings. I have everything I need next to the cot to get her ready for bed then when she is off I put a wash on over night, wash and sterilise bottles for the next day, prep lunch and do one house work task a night. Then in the am I hang washing up whilst the bottle is warming up.

Breaking housework tasks into one a day helps a lot. I've started cleaning my bathroom whilst I run a bath for myself. I feel super good when I have a bath because the bathroom is clean. Then give the bath a quick clean when I'm done. Also having a bath is my down time :)

Batch cook and freeze. Use a slow cooker so you just chuck it all in and it's ready to dish up and freeze.

Bulk buy as much as you can do you don't have to run out to the shops. This is especially important for meds, for both you and you child.

I do one big shop a month for meat, freezable stuff and all household products.

I now have milk delivered, one less thing to worry about.

Use a mobile hairdresser, one less thing to get child care for.

Plan one nice thing to do with your child a month as a treat. I did baby cinema this month. I cherish that time but it's bloody hard work being organised and getting it the house.

Drop your standards.....a lot! If your shattered then the hoovering can wait. Don't be ashamed to put your in front of the tv for a film while you rest.

I start a new full time job soon and I've already decided to spend the extra cash in a cleaner.....what a treat! I'm hoping I will have more time to spend with my dd.

You can do this, trust me!! It's tough but you will amaze yourself xx

You’ll do it one day at a time. Have faith in yourself.

How old is your little one . I did it on my own since my Ds was a baby. He had minimal contact till 3 and now no contact for 9 years .

It really does get easier as they are older, you can watch better Tv , more grown up conversations instead of answering endless questions.
Beavers/ cubs/ scouts has also been my saviour for nights off.

Also if he doesn’t pay go then straight to cms . Don’t waste w energy trying to make him something he’s not.

I'm in a similar situation, no advice for helping your child through an absent father. But I think children who tow up with strong independent mothers often recognise that hard work we put in and love us even more for it.

Things I do to help myself are:

-buy a electric pressure cooker, makes yummy healthy meals in half the time and less clean up. Loads of recipes online.
-batch cook and freeze
-clean the sink and toilet while child has a bath.....2 birds one stone
-online shopping!!
-get milk delivered, it costs more but one les thing to think about
-plan one nice thing a week for yourself, this week I have some popcorn and a Netflix film planned.

Good luck xx

Echo the above.

Batch cook . Absolutely plan even an hour of alone time, at least once a week. At night is easier when they are in bed!

Its hard, really hard but I would not have my life any other way!

So you have 2 DC? You don't say how old? or whether you're working etc? whether you are in a town or city or rural. Financially I'd be making sure he does pay CM if you can. Do you have any family/friends nearby?

Another one saying batch cook if you can. Don't badmouth their DF but he clearly doesn't want to be involved so edge him out of any conversations. winter is one of the harder times to do free things with young dc like walks and games and parks but could be factored in. And see if there are local arts events - seasonal markets or events to go to.

This thread was started in June . Op has not been back after posting

Well, here I am, still the only real parent to my DC.

Ex has moved away and hardly ever contacts the DC. Says 'it would be great if they could phone him sometimes too' when I have asked him to call them more regularly.

Has sent them cash for Christmas, not willing to co-ordinate with me or put only real thought into purchasing presents personal to them, when he knows what they both like to do for as their hobby (collect and build a certain toy). He only sees fatherhood as a means to fulfill his own needs and wishes, and even then that is very limited in terms of maintaining any relationship with the DC.

They are primary aged, btw.

I never get a break. Too add to this, slowly but surely I am starting to feel the very real stigma of single motherhood. All the while ex walks away and does what he pleases without having to be brought to account for what effectively is child abandonment/ abandonment of parenting.

That's the sexist society we live in. What about the men, eh?

Otherwise, we are doing well and are far happier in our day to day lives.

Same here op. Ex hasn’t seen my kids in 3 years. I definitely feel there is still a stigma.

I have to say I don't feel the 'stigma'. From people who know me and why I'm single (ex fucked off with OW) I get a lot of support and 'I don't know how you do it' type stuff. I'm not remotely awesome or a perfect parent but I do make sure the kids know they are my priority.. Though as they get older I am also trying to get them to appreciate that I am a person too and sometimes it's MY turn to watch what I want, or go where I want to go.
O. A practical note, yes planning and systems is key. Organisation, lists, a kitchen noticeboard so things don't get missed. Ex is eow (his choice) and has very little interest in the kids hobbies etc. He pays minimum maintenance he can and thinks that is all he 'needs' to do.

There definitely is a stigma still to be a single mum. I would say you’re lucky if you haven’t experienced it. Doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Anyone who doesn't feel the stigma, try not to let what others think bother you, it is very liberating.
It does get easier, youngest 11, have been lone parent since they were 6 months. I would say if you stop expecting anything from ex it is easier for you

Ex never sees dc. Eow is an absolute luxury in terms of single parenting.

As single motherhood allows you very little say or leeway of how you can or (according to British MC protocol) ought to parent, it's been even harder for me.

I never realised it's always been and always will be men who can get out of parenting without consequence. Wish I had stuck to feminism when I first noticed the discrepancies between the sexes..

My son hasn't seen his father for about three months and has only ever met him with him for a few hours at a time with me there. I've always done all the care since my son was born. He's 22 months. We get about £40 in maintenance which comes through when his father can be bothered to pay it!

I agree there is a stigma and it does my head in because I'm only a single parent because his father couldn't step up. However it is a lot easier if you stop expecting anything from the other parent. I don't want to start feeling bitter. And being organised is essential (as is being gentle to yourself, you're doing the job of two so it's not always going to be perfect).

My ex wasn't completely gone, but he did move about an hour away.
It's been 10 years, and my kids are 18 and 20. They are awesome young people. My son is doing a degree apprenticeship, and recently moved out. My other child is in college, works and is generally fantastic.
They are a credit....to me.
The early days were tough. My ex went through several bouts of not seeing the kids ( he had messed around, which ended out marriage. When I decided to date, AFTER we split up, he stopped seeing the kids). You adapt.
I was a strict parent ( still am about some things). I absolutely will not allow my kids to speak to me in a shitty tone of voice. They did chores, helped look after the dogs, got jobs when they were older. There were loads of times I apologised for being stressed and taking it out on them, but it got better.
We have a great relationship now.
I'm glad I started traditions ( especially this time if year).
I wish though that I would have been better with spending more time as a family. Sundays were taken up with sons hobby, so saturday was the only free day. I wish I would have just sacked the cleaning more, and made sure we did more together.

Good luck - you'll be absolutely fine, I promise, as will your DC

So my exH only bothered video calling at 10am, and only when I messaged asking him when he was going to.

To wish them merry Christmas, of course.

My ex was the same. Didn't call til 10 30 am, though he told them he'd been awake since 6 30. As the pp said, it does help to stop expecting anything. It used to wind me up endlessly that he didn't do stuff with them, especially when he said he would, but now I don't ask him to do a haircut, a new pair of boots or anything.. He always fails to do it and then it causes me problems so I just factor in that I have to fit it into our week or weekend instead.

My ex didn't parent when he lived with us all of their childhoods! Yesterday I invited him around and didn't lift a finger. My DD's even said to me, he only wants to do the nice stuff - when Dd was having a mental breakdown he just went out as an example leaving me to call the emergency team etc - I have never forgiven him for that

I am the only parent who parents as well; I have done it for years now and I am exhausted. I am too tired to qualify that with anything about how wonderful my children are (they are) and off to get coffee instead.

I think I need to drop my expectations. He can't even hold a proper phone conversation with the dc

I feel the pressure of expectation on me, however, from many different angles. Especially from the dc, who don't realise what affect disrespectful words or behaviour from them has on me. I feel utterly unappreciated.

And the thing is, I know I have it in me to give my DC everything wonderful (not in the material sense) that my DP's gave me in my childhood, but it feels one hundred times harder to do because my time and energy levels are low and I am alone.

I settled for far less than I deserved, and this is the consequence, essentially. At least I realise this now, some might never do.

Don't know why I keep adding to this, just need to get it out, I suppose.