Quandry: move to a different area with DDs away from their dad?

[mintwater]

Hoping for some advice. I'm divorced and we're selling the family home. I'm happy enough with this as it's not felt like a home for me for the 2 years since... we're amicable and exH sees our DDs regularly. He's a good dad.

Thing is, I can't afford anywhere decent around here. It would be a 2 bedroom flat. If I move out a bit around 40 mins drive away (30 mins on the train), I could afford a 3 bedroom house in a nice area that seems lovely and a great place for families (this has been backed up by everyone I've spoken to). But it would mean the girls moving schools and they'd be away from their dad who they currently see every weds and EOW. It may affect this.

The transport links are very good for me getting to work and with some childcare I could make it work. The place is very nice but isn't a city and while we'd need to adjust, we might have the best of both worlds being so easily commutable into the city. We'd also need to start again in a place we know no-one but we're a sociable mob so sure we'd settle in eventually.

Any advice or similar experiences? Did the change affect your DCs unduly? How did it affect their contact with your ex? Did they resent you for it? Thanks in advance

bump

30 mins isn't far, their dad can just travel to see them or to pick them up?

Crikey lol 30 mins is nothing... My dps ex moved 250 miles and refused to tell us til the last minute. 40 mins is nothing.

Sounds like you get I ok. Can he drive? Why don't you mention cost of living and your dilemma etc and see what he thinks, you might find he's happy to move halfway or just to do the drive. Doubt he'll let it affect access if he's a good dad.

How old are the kids?

How amicable are things? Could you talk to him about choosing a new area together and both move?

30/40 mins is nothing! You could even meet halfway?

My LO’s dad moved 3 hours away... we manage to make that work (even if it is a fucking ballache) you’ll be fine with 30 mins!

Thank you everyone for replying. You're right 40 mins is nothing once put into perspective. We're not that friendly but we're amicable for the girls. They're 9 & 7 by the way. Can I ask how your DCs adjusted to a new school and area? Did it affect your relationship with them?

My Ds never moved school however a new child in the class always causes much excitement in the class.

I would do it in a heartbeat. Dad can still see them on an evening if he wants or extra time in the holidays

Ex lives 40 mins away and it works well for us. Talk to your ex- he might be happier if you do half the driving or make their weekend visits longer to compensate.

Thanks for your replies everyone. Can any of you share how your children got on from your perspective? Moving schools in Years 3 and 5 will be tricky enough and I'd hate for them to resent me. DD2 is struggling enough as it is (very changeable, tantrummy and whilst it breaks my heart, seems to be struggling with her mental health. I'm supportive of course though trying to play it down. She's only 7 ).

Hi OP

I’m sorry I can’t offer much advice but just wanted to say I’m in almost exactly the same position as you and struggling with the decision! My eldest is 7 (yr 2) and also struggling with his mental health and has really struggled with the separation far more than my youngest. I think for me this is what will hold me back from moving area as I’m worried at this point another change would be too much for him. He also got very upset at the thought of not seeing his dad mid week.

Having said that the school he is at has lots of new joiners and it seems to be the earlier they move, is often easier. Nearly all of the new joiners do seem to have settled really well and fitted in pretty quickly. My eldest had to change school in year 1 and it took him about half a term to feel fully like it was his school. He is still slightly on the outside of the main group of boys, but think that is a quirk of his particular class and is generally very happy there - hence my concern about moving him! I also think when there are siblings moving to the new school together it is probably easier. Having done it with my eldest I’d have no worries about moving my youngest, who is a very sociable child!

It’s a hard decision isn’t it - I seem to constantly switch between thinking I will move because I need the space and the reduced financial pressure to thinking I should stay because of support network, near to ex and the stability of the kids school. Good luck with whatever you do

Is your ex ok with this?

Hello, thanks for your replies and sorry I only just saw them.

@BigmouseLittlehouse sorry you're going through similar. It's been like a horrible game of ping pong in my head... what to do, where to go. Really useful to hear your experience, I think kids are very resilient but I also know that you only see the tip of the iceberg with a person. I just think that anything I do, now that their dad and I have got divorced, is making the best of a bad situation. I hope I don't have that mindset for life... Best of luck to you too with whatever you decide.

@Mum56347 yes he does know the area we're potentially moving to. We chatted about it briefly on sunday in fact, and he was okay with it. Understood my reasons and said he didn't know where he was going to end up but that it would be broadly the same area we live now. He currently sees our DDs on a wednesday and every other weekend but he said surprisingly quickly that maybe he wouldn't see them on a wednesday if I move. Knowing him as I do, I think he was trying to get out of it nevertheless, it's not the main thing I have to worry about.