Tell Me I Can Do This

[TwoIfBySea]

DH has chosen to work away from home these past few weeks, you see he has been lying to me about how much he was earning and although I do the budgeting his lies have tied us up good and proper. So there have been a lot of arguments and today he announces that he has arranged to go and stay with a friend because he is not 'happy' anymore. I had always excused his behaviour due to his upbringing (alcoholic parents who screwed up each of their 3 children.) But I can't live my life excusing him.

He is throwing away 9 years of marriage and a family life with me and our dts (age 5 1/2.)

I need the backbone to go through with this, enough is enough, he treats me like dirt the way he talks to me and then complains because I answer back. I am a SAHM and was about to start work when the boys return to Primary 2 but in the evenings, now it will be fulltime so I'll have the headache of trying to arrange childcare etc. I keep saying to myself I can do this, I can make it through this that what he has said are only words and they might crush me at the moment but time heals. I want to make sure my sons have a stable home life, when I was growing up I idolised a neighbour who was a single mum because she was very glamourous and I keep thinking I can be like her. Her son ended up going to uni and becoming a biochemist while she worked full-time.

I have no family nearby, I have no friends who I would wish to burden with this. Please, someone, please just tell me I can do this, that I can get over this quickly and pull myself together so my sons don't get messed up!

you can do this i was on my own pregnant in a town at the other side of the country with a very very bad relationship with my family so couldnt go back over to them plus i didnt have any friends at all & all this at only 18 i thought i couldnt do it my dd is now 6 & very bright i have a job & i dont regret a since minute i dont know how long it took for things to get good they are & im happy

yes still have days where i feel crap & feel i cant do this but im sure alot of mums in a partnership feel the same

you can do this for your boys its the kids that keep you going just look at them & you will know that you can do this & you will be strong

TwoIf,so sorry you are having a shit time. [sas]

Yes,you can do it and showing him you can cope alone and don't really need him might make him see sense and change his ways.

Work can often help a lot when you are alone (I have 2 kids and d/h away for weeks on end and work f/t) as it gets you out of the house and stops you brooding.

best of luck

He sounds like a selfish tosser btw.

yes you can do this, and you will actually look back and realise it is much easier with only two children - not three.

Look for part time work, financaly it isn't much different from working full time - you may end up £10/20 per week worse off part time.

Look at entiltedto dot com and it will give you an idea of how you would fair financaly with tax credits, you will also get 80% of your child care paid for, weather it be nursery or breakfast club after school club.

He may well want to come back though and what you need to decide is do you want him back, will he leave again if he comes back etc. Decisions only you can make. take care

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It is so sad, I phoned my mum for support and an hour or so later my dad (who never phones) called to say they were both going to give me as much support as I needed. My biggest worry was that people would blame me, DH is very good at putting up a cheery facade (sp?) in front of everyone and I'm always the miserable one. Only because he made me so.

I've given him plenty of chances to change his ways, perhaps become the person I thought I had married!

I'm going on that site, well I had been going to demand he pay for all the childcare as I know he never appreciated what I did at home. Maybe he would having to pay for it!

So thanks mojosmum, Moondog and ivykaty44. I have a feeling this will be a place on mumsnet I will have to visit more often if just to read up on how everyone else does it and hope I can cope! I'm really ticked off that the evening job I had lined up doesn't offer daytime shifts as I really wanted to do that! I would like part-time and know that lots of places do a 9.30-2.30 shift that would be perfect. I have until the boys go back to school to get my bum in gear.

You can do it.

I won't say it will be easy because it won't, at times you will wonder what the heck you are doing but it is worth it and you will cope.

For every day you have where things don't go well, you will have another where it all feels right, and you will be the one that has coped, made it all work and made a stable life for your dt's, and that feeling outways all of the bad points 1000 times over.

Yes you can do it, the fact that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore says that you can do it. It is great that your parents are supportive of you and you may not want to burden your friends with your problems but isn't that what friends are there for, to support and help? I didn't want to burden my friends but once they found out, things were easier, just knowing I could talk to them and not have to always pretend that I was ok.

Be strong, you will get through the tough times and you will realise that you are better off without him. Your sons are not going to be messed up by this, you will get over him but it may not happen as quickly as you would like, stop letting him effect your enjoyment of your children and take control.

You can do it

When I split up someone gave me this piece advice and it really helped me to move on with my life " grieve for what could have been and then move on" I did just that, and I believe that it really took any bitterness away and I moved on to make a new life relativley quickly for myself, my dd and my unborn - who is now 8.

Who cares if he blames you? You know why the marriage has fallen apart, your true friends will not care but be supportive of you.

Come on here and rant your frustration, there may be many.

As for your husband paying for childcare,forget it and just ask for maintenence. You can work out how much he should be paying you by going onto the CSA website, you dont have to use them it is entirley his choice whether he sets up a direct debit to your account. If he doesn't get straight on the phone and put in a claim through the CSA (they will still take claims, they are not disbanding but changing names)

basicly he has to pay you 20% of his net income and as soo as the claim is recorded (i.e. the day you phone) it will be back dated.

best wishes and lots of hugs at this difficult time. Give your boys lots of love and cuddles and always be truthful to them.

My dp finally moved out this week after a huge row two months ago and lots of arguemnts since so you're not alone.

You sound strong and sensible. We will get through this because we have to for our children who deserve better than to live in an unhappy home.

Heres to us zookeeper, perhaps there is something about the summertime that makes them flighty.

I am feeling a lot stronger now. Emailed some friends and the response has really made me cry even more. So many people believe in me and I always thought they thought of me as somewhat hopeless, like a big dopey cow in the field. (It is late I should go to bed before I spout anymore nonsense!)

DH came back to collect his stuff, which I conveniently placed in bin liners lest he hang around too long. He needs his, your going to love this, "space". Apparently we haven't been giving him enough space. He hasn't been here for the past 5 weeks, how much more space does he need. He seems to be under the impression that in a weeks time he can just saunter back in and that will be that.

We are going to disappoint him again because that is not going to happen. Even his friends, who he was planning on staying with, are turning against him. Oopsa.

So there we go, turns out he had slept with someone while away supposedly doing training for work.

I can do this, because I am going to have to.

You can do it, you're right.
It'll be tough but there are loads of single parents in this world!
Not all single through choice.
Many people on here will support you.
Maybe some of us even live near to you?
Where are you?

Meant to say, if he's slept with someone, chances are you wouldn't want him back anyway!

I live in West Lothian FussyMummy.

To be honest, now I've found out what he has done I can move on. There is no way I would even attempt to try and get him to come back after he has done that and told so many lies. It is just dts I worry for, then again he was a lousy dad anyway and never here. The whole idea of being alone (not counting dts of course) is awful just now but as an only child I will adapt.

I can do what I want to do now and be answerable to no one.

You can do it and you will do it - it will seem hard at first but it is much better being on your own that with someone who treats you badly and makes you unhappy.

I asked my ex to leave in March and am so much happier now.

As someone said earlier I am finding it easier overall as I have one child to take care of instead of two (as my ex is basically an over grown 14 year old)

You will get lots of support on here