How do I deal with this?

[sanityisamyth]

Just got a text from ExH.

Basically he's met someone else and is going to be introducing our 5 year old son to her this weekend.

His last relationship ended with lots of arguments that he exposed our son to (he's never heard me argue with anyone ever). There's lots of incidents when he was much younger of neglect and nursery flagged him up to Children's Services.

I have no idea how long he's known this new woman. Do I stop contact? Do I just accept it without question? Friends have unanimously told me that I should be grateful he's told me at least.

What would you do?

What contact arrangements do you have in place? Are they court ordered?

What concerns did the nursery have? Are they ongoing? Do you have current involvement with children's services? Did children's services give you any advice at the time?

From experience....let him get on with it. What he does in his time with DC is his affair and vice versa. Believe me that stopping contact is way more damaging than whatever his DF could could do. Ie introduction to a new partner. DC may actually like her too.

There are no specific arrangements. He has him 24 hours Friday afternoon - Saturday afternoon.

Aged 2 DS refused to see ExH and would get very emotional about any mention of him. When he did see him he'd come back with severe nappy rash, and a couple of unexplained incidents of hitting his head. He also had a huge friction burn across his back which was unexplained.

None of this has happened for a while though as DS can pretty much look after himself. He seems much happier to see his father.

I'm more worried about how long he's known this new woman for. They might not even be together next month.

@Seeleyboo thanks. Just really worried about DS. ExH doesn't put him first and is the type to show off his latest plaything. He's a total control freak and a narcissist. He has absolutely no comprehension of anyone else's feelings.

Ok. Well that's a different equation. Any reason in my book to support emotional or physical wellbeing should be addressed and if DC is reacting to seeing DF in a negative way then you need to step in and possibly stop contact. If it's a simple wwyd I'd always say carry on and allow contact otherwise it looks like you're jealous and bitter. Sounds a it more than that to me though with DC reactions.

Taking his girlfriend out of this - is your son safe to be left with your exH?

I'm not sure I'd let my ex take my son (also 2 years old) after what you've described. Especially as it resulted in a referral to children's services. I'd make him go to court for access, where you could bring up your concerns.

He's now 5 and seems happier seeing his father but he never ever puts DS first. I didn't get anywhere with Children's services. I also self referred him to NSPCC (only helpline open at the time). Even my solicitor said that DS didn't meet the threshold for neglect and I couldn't stop contact. Was physically sick sending him.

You can’t stop him doing this, sorry,

Don’t stop contact.

I'm so sorry that must have been so hard.

My own dad wasn't neglectful but he did have new partners all the time that I was always introduced to. My mum was sturdy and reliable and so my dads relationships (and arguments) didn't have any real impact on me. That said my dad always put me first so I suspect that's the real issue rather than how long they've been together

@sincethereis that's what worries me.

He's told me, for the first time ever, what he's doing with DS on Saturday. I now suspect three reasons for this.
Firstly, he knows DS has a party to go to afterwards. The venue ExH is taking him is renowned for getting kids filthy. He will be dripping in mud for the party.
Secondly, DS has a party at the same venue in a few weeks time so ExH has taken the novelty off it.
Thirdly, it's now an opportunity to show the new GF what a wonderful doting dad he is whereas usually he takes him to people he knows I don't like and he ignores DS whilst they entertain him. DS is now old enough to tell me this.

DS is never ever his priority. I don't have much choice but let him go and I'm really worried about him.

It sucks I fully get that but as DS gets old he will understand how his father parents him as opposed to you.

Older

Thanks @sincethereis that's good to know. I hope so!!

When he split up with the last GF (twice) DS kept saying "aunty GF" has gone on holiday. Will this one keep going on holiday too?

He also told me the dogs had gone "on holiday". I suspected they'd been PTS but didn't say anything to DS. A few months later DS told me the dogs were dead and was really upset.

Why can't ExH be honest with him? At least in a 5 year old friendly sort of way?!

Getting more worried about letting him go. Do I have to?

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do with regards to stopping contact. Instead, focus on reassuring your DS that you love him and maybe plan something for just the two of you after contact for him to look forward to.

It is rubbish, but you can only control your own relationship with your son.

@hungryfortheinvisible thank you. Trying my best. Not sure whether to forewarn DS or whether that'll make things worse.

If ExH has been with her for a while I wouldn't mind as much as she'd be a bit more of a known quantity but I don't think she is unless he was cheating on the last GF which actually wouldn't surprise me

DS has just made a really worrying birthday card for ExH. He's never made one like it before. He was really proud that he looks sad in the picture. He said he's sad because of the dogs (that got PTS ages ago but ExH told DS they'd gone on holiday before eventually telling him the truth). Got lots of bad feelings about this.