Ex refusing to use communication book

[blibblestick]

Sigh. Ex v abusive, lots of trauma. I went no contact, court cao saying I am to have no contact and to use book for handover which is facilitated by a friend.
All shenanigans since ( multiple family court, stalking, telling dc they're going to live with him and here is their new "mummy" etc)have been aimed at getting me to take notice of him and to re gain control.
He is refusing to use book, saying will only communicate directly.

Not much I can do, just so tired of this shit. He's saying I'm affecting dc by being stubborn and not communicating. But his abuse is the reason. Can't ever ever let myself be near him again.

Plus dc have complicated additional needs and I need to let him know things concerning this and dates for hols/ school pick up etc

I don't normally condone withholding access, but isn't that your only option here if he's breaching the court order?

What does your solicitor say?

He is affecting the dc by abusing their dm...
Stop contact until you are back before a judge. Keep a meticulous diary op.

We have been back to family court so many times, I have no funds left and am in debt. And through experience, they don't care, it's just going through the motions. Nothing can be enforced.
He will always be this way. He does not respect boundaries. He needs to make it known he is back in charge.
I used to be scared/ freaked when he followed me round the supermarket. Now I just sigh and shake my head.
He's ignoring the book to show me he has no respect for me.

But if it's him taking you to court, do you have to pay?

I genuinely don't know as I've never been though the courts.

Took me 4 years op until a judge saw my exh for what he is. Similar to yours. We joke he thinks he is God he acts so above everyone - even a judge.
When my dc hit 12 they went nc with him. How old are your dc op?

7 and 9. But both emotionally younger due to trauma.
Thanks for the replies.
I just can't face or afford court again just now. The last cao was only 2 months ago, he just can't stand being told what to do. And he's bored. He was diagnosed with histrionic personality but that's not enough to affect contact.
The poor dcs are all over the place as it wasn't in their best interest to increase contact, and it's me who has to deal with the very difficult and challenging behaviour.
I want a bloody life. I never regret having dcs but sometimes I fantasise what life could've been like.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Personality disordered people are horrific. However, he's actually played right into your hands for getting this sorted without havig to go back to family court.

Stalking is a criminal matter. Speak to the Police, and ask for their support in securing a Non Molestation Order. Such an order can repeat the conditions around contact that are set out in your CAO. However, with a NMO breaching that order is a criminal issue, so you can rely on the criminal justice system to act, rather than relying in the civil family court. He could face fines or even jail, rather than the slap on the wrist that a family court judge could give.

I wouldn't recommend withholding contact because he isn't using the communication book - a family court would see that as a disproportionate response that impacts the kids, and it would go against you in custody proceedings.

Get some massive headphones and put them on and play loud music at hand overs.
Ignore him.
I really feel for you op. I had years of this. Once was so frustrated when exh stood in the only parking space when I went to pick up dc, he refused to move so I ran his feet over!
And am not ashamed. Dc didn't see and it was such a buzz!!

He was an absolute twat to me after I left him.
Because I dared to leave him.
Don't give up op.

I would carry on using it, take a photo of what you have written so you have a record when it mysteriously disappears, take a photo of what he has written i.e. nothing. When you go back to court it will be evidence that you followed CO and acted in the best interests of the DC despite his behaviour.

@summerorjustmaybe - just so you know, no matter how proud you may be of it, or how funny you think it is, domestic violence / deliberately running over a former partner's feet in a car still makes you just as much of an abuser as your ex. Worse, in fact, if he never used a vehicle or other deadly weapon against you. Criminal behaviour is still criminal behaviour even when the victim is an arsehole. Whatever he did, you should still be locked up for that.

He refused to move so I ran his feet over
This reminds me of an incident that I was involved in many many years ago I cannot speak of it though, but he refused to move and...
( No one was harmed but his pride will never recover)

My conscious is clear thank you.

And personally I think rape is a far greater crime.

I get your point @singledad but I think it's a bit much to appoint yourself judge and jury - 'you should be locked up' -when you have no actual knowledge of the case

I would say if he is refusing and nothing you can do then don’t let him know it will bother you. Gives him less power

Dc only surrendered to sleep an hour ago.
Thanks for all the replies, yes I agree with pp about not stopping contact, I have been diligently filling in book as I long ago decided to act like the normal, reasonable person I would like to be. Regardless of his warping of reality.
Good tip about taking photos of pages.
I went to police last time about stalking and they couldn't do anything as he said it was coincidence. I have no faith in being protected now. We went through criminal justice for rape of myself and his next gf but even with two victims so hard to get a prosecution. He will definitely need revenge now. I have to rely on myself.

Any time you need to vent we're here. It's awful but you end up hoping they decide to focus on some other victim so you get a break from it

Well I could have written this exact post and been going through it the last two months. He refused to take the communication book so tried putting it in DD's car seat when they were going and dad would pull it out and leave it on the wall. I then text a screenshot of what I had written and did this for nearly a week and he told our DS that if mummy doesn't stop texting daddy then daddy will have to go to the police and get mammy arrested for harassment. Lucky DS is too young to understand. Their father then asked last week for the communications book because I'm not sticking to the court order by not providing him with the book. I then gave him the book on the next contact day and he's written by what I've been writing in it all along he's refused to take it and has commented on every date to say I didn't give him the book.

He's very angry and bitter and will try anything to get at me but nothing surprises me anymore with him after the last year and it's hard but I try not to let him get to me.

Op our children will notice and realise the truth when they are old enough. Big hugs to you.

Thanks lovelies. It's total shit isn't it. What helps is seeing him as a little boy having a tantrum.

Just to say the judge that I saw most often in my many family court appearances told me that a communications book caused issues. I tried to explain that it had been advised on my CAFCASS court-ordered SPIP course. He wasnt interested. So my ex refusing to engage in good quality communication for the child was ignored by the court. Funnily enough that lack of communication and co-parenting has been a constant theme. I was and still am disgusted. Surely any form of neutral contact has to be better than none, particularly for younger (eg primary) school age children.