It must be me!

[summerbreeze912]

Just want a bit of a feel sorry for myself moment really.

I'm 34 and a single parent to a beautiful 18 month old. I've had a string of unsuccessful relationships (if you can even call them that). Nothing ever lasts more than a few months and it's always them not wanting me in the end (pathetic, I know).

I know it has to be me doing something wrong but I just can't work out exactly what it is. I always think it's going great and then out of nowhere they either end it, meet someone else or just disappear all together. I'm not the best looking but don't think I'm the worst, I take care of myself, I only ever carry on these things when I feel like there is a genuine connection but it always ends the same way.

All of my friends are in relationships and I'm at the point where I don't even want to tell them when I meet someone as I know (I they probably do too) that it's not going to let. Does anyone else have this happen to them? I really do feel like it's just me and it's starting to really get me down.

I've been on my own nearly all of my sons life now. He is soon to be 5. I've had a few casual things. I say casual, not on my part but their's. They didn't want to commit. Its never got easier for me to understand why.

So the last 2 years I've been completely on my own with my boy. Its been wonderful. I adore what we have but I'm starting to feel lonely and crave a connection with someone. But i never get out. I'm either at work. Or am being mom. I have no social life. Literally non existent so I'm starting to accept this is it for me.

I have tried to meet people, online. I get many likes (I promise that's not being big heeded) but I get scared and don't pursue anything or respond. I'm scared that no one will ever want to commit to me. Its always been that way, that I fall and give too much and they don't, and as I say it never gets easier. It's harder everytime

There was a report yesterday that said the happiest women are those without a man or a family. The happiest men are the married ones. Hmmmm...not sure I believe it.

I don’t have an easy answer, OP, but I’ve been on my own ever since my DDs were babies. DH died before DD2’s first birthday, 27 years ago.
It’s perfectly possible to have a good life on your own.
I had a full time career, raised my girls, got them both to uni and onto the property ladder, had some great holidays and enjoyed my hobbies.
Obviously I would very much have preferred my much loved DH to have survived, but I know God will reunite us eventually when I die.
Try enjoying the life you have, and don’t worry about the lack of a long term man.
If a nice one turns up, that’s a bonus, but it’s not the end of the world if one doesn’t.
There are many women in unhappy or abusive marriages who would envy your freedom and peace.

This is the thing, I was completely happy being on my own (and still am) but recently I have met someone and I just feel like it's about to go the same way that it always goes. That's why I feel like it must be something I'm doing wrong and it's making me question whether there is something wrong with me/my personality.

Don’t get bogged down in self doubt - easier said than done as I’m exactly the same - but instead think about what it is that you want from a guy and do the guys you date meet that criteria?
Being a mum is hard and we need people around us that love us, support us and lift us up, if these guys disappear it says more about them than it does about you. Like the other posters said if we find someone nice then great, but we need to look to our innerselves for happiness - anything else is a bonus. Good luck I know it’s hard but we just have to believe in ourselves x

Have you looked in to issue of attachment styles?

I had an anxious preoccupied style and it did me no favours I tell you. Apart from abusive controlling x I 've been single most of my adult life. A few ludicrous intervals to being single.

I attracted all the wrong people. either commitment phobes or controlling types. I couldn't get it right. 7 or 8 weeks was my limit. I was exhausted from starting relationships.

I read Natalie Lue ''mr unavailable and the fall back girl'' and it helped me understand a LOT
Also, ''Attached'' by rachel heller and amir levine
ON you tube, watch everything by brianna mcwilliams.

Also Alan Robarge.

They dig quite deep in to the psyche and your deep seated feelings about yourself and relationships.

My parents were very neglectful of me and so unfortunately a dynamic of being discouraged from expressing a need or a want felt familiar. So I was only ATTRACTED to people who weren't in to me and I had enough sense to walk away from arseholes but there was no line of mister rights falling in to that gap.

Summerbreeze, are you a people pleaser?

I think that controlling men love this trait in a woman but the decent healthy men you'd want in your life find it a turn off.

I used to be a terrible people pleaser and I think I could hide it to start with and I was myself when we were just newly dating but if it progressed a bit, although I always ''knew who I was'' and never lost myself as the cliche goes, I did not know how to 'hold my own' in a decision. Where to eat, what to do, what time to leave, what to see at the cinema, I found myself just falling in to step.

I found it hard to assert a reasonable and appropriate amount of myself, ie, fifty fifty. I would either sublimate myself totally or be too self-conscious about the process if I was trying to correct my people pleasing and then turn in to a bossy boots.

This sounds just like me...although my baby is 6 months old next week.
Longest relationship has to be about 1 year and that was when I was a teen. I'm now 35, 36 this month. I think I'm giving up on dating as a bad job.
Only problem is I moved to an ears a and don't know anyone here so feeling pretting lonely at the moment.

I'm glad there are others who have had similar experiences. I would genuinely like someone to sit me down and tell me where I go wrong! I think I may be a bit of a people pleaser to begin with. I'm quite laid back when it comes to dates and meeting up (I usually work around the guys schedule). It's not even as though I end up falling out with them, they just lose interest and most have met their wife/mother of their children straight after having a fling with me so it's not like they aren't looking for anything serious. They are just not looking for anything serious with me!