What to say when child asks..

[BigRedLondonBus]

Why she doesn’t have a dad. My dd 8 (has asd so will be relevant) just asked this exact question to me today, I didn’t really know how to respond, he is absent and has been for over 2 years now. I didn’t know how to answer, I don’t want to lie as he is completely absent through choice so didn’t want to make out he is desperate to Be a dad but can’t be. She quickly changed the subject. What have others said when their child has asked this?

my friend is in a very similar situation. she sat her dd down and read her this (although it is from america so you may want to read it first and adapt words). there is parent info on the back too. then, she explained that her daddy wasn't ready for kids (that was her circumstance), but mummy loves her very very much. her child (7) accepted it without questioning. all the best xx

I will check that out thanks, my worry is I don’t want to say anything that builds him up in her head.

Not the same, but every now and then DD asks why Daddy and I dont live together. I talk about different family models and how different experiences have different advantages and disadvantages.
I don't know how helpful it is to make an absent Dad into an enemy figure. They may well have some kind of relationship in the future. DD's dad definitely struggled in the earlier years but now their relationship is better and more consistent.
Children dont always need to know all the "facts", imo.

I tell my son that I am unable to answer all his questions because I cant answer for somebody else. I then discuss with him how we all have to be accountable for our own actions and decisions in life and remind him how much he is loved and how many people he has in his life who adore him.

I've never lied to him but I won't tell him the real reason that his dad just hasn't bothered. No child deserves that. He is only 4. So not emotionally attached. He has asked me things like did me and his dad get on and if I was horrible to his dad to make him stay away, or if his dad wants to work more than seeing him. I've been honest that me and his dad wasn't very nice to each other in the end, but explain that I wasnt very nice because we were very treated badly. He scolds me for it as he thinks it's mean being nasty to people, but that's ok. I'm being responsible for my own actions. He doesn't ask loads but I will remain open with him and of course protect him from the reality as much as I possibly can

I just worry as my sister was very careful to not say a bad word about my nephews dad who was absent and abusive, now my nephew lives with his dad and has turned on his mum and believes his dads lies that his mum “stopped him” because he never heard a bad word about him he think he is a great guy that was simply stopped, when my sister has been an amazing mother. It’s difficult. She’s now the “bad guy”

Growing up my mum loved my dad, even though he left before I was born. She always compared me to him, saying that my dad did that. It made me love someone who most likely didnt care, he chose to never meet me. Unfortunately he died when I was 8 so I will never know his reasons for leaving and not being in my life. So I would be honest, obviously not lie, but dont try and paint that person in a good light, if you get what I mean? Try not to make excuses for them.

Yes that’s perfectly put Zebedee88 that’s exactly what I want to do.

My Ds hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3 . He was told at an age appropriate level adding more . As he got older when he asked.

I initially said I didn’t know . I didn’t want to say daddy loves you in his own way as I didn’t want him to believe this is how you act towards someone you love .

I think you need to figure out what you are going to say as he clearly is wondering

I would also add between telling the truth and slagging them off.

My Ds now 12 says my dad was not a good dad.
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Tbh he’s always been useless. He’s never seen them consistently (we have 4 children but the others are younger) so they never really got use to him being around as he was always in and out, would go for a year at a time without seeing them. But this has been the longest. That’s the thing I don’t want to say he loves her as you don’t abandon a child for 2 years if you love them.

I have similar questions about my sons birth parents, he is only four so at the moment I just tell him that they couldn’t look after him properly so that’s why he doesn’t live with them anymore.

I agree with you .

My Ds’s dad has another dc he doesn’t see . I did point out it was nothing you did as your dad doesn’t see ..... either. You can without saying your dad is just a waste of space make it clear he doesn’t see other children. I said to my Ds when younger it is up to him to get in touch if he wants to see him and that is his job. Now older he has been told he would have to take me to court to make sure it is the right thing for my son. ( there are huge safeguarding issues anyway which my son is unaware of)