Worried grandfather - pregnant daughter’s ex scaring her

[Twiglets2]

Hi all, I hope this finds you all well? I apologise if this subject has been discussed many times before but i’m new here and worried about a coming storm over the naming (surname) of my grandchildren. My daughters relationship may be coming to an end and the subject of naming my first and unborn grandchild has become the hot topic. The partner who is still in the flat is making threats (another time perhaps) so wanted some confirmation that as unmarried partners my daughter has every right to give the child her surname regardless of the partners insistence? There is much more to this but if anyone can give me that confirmation and/or direct me to something definitive in a case like this, it would serve to calm the high emotion for all of us particularly my pregnant daughter. Thank you very much. Bob

Hi Bob, sorry to hear your daughter is going through this. Your daughter can give the baby her surname if that's what she chooses

Your daughter dosn’t have to give the baby his name or put him on the birth certificate. She would be wise not to, because being on the birth certificate gives him automatic parental responsibility which means your daughter will have to consult him about decisions made about the baby.

Its probably worth mentioning that the ex can take her to court to be named on the birth certificate and the subsequent parental responsibility. The ex would almost certainly get it so the question is, is it worth the trouble?

Your daughter should of course leave him if he is abusive but she shouldnt attempt to remove him as a parent. The child has a right to both parents, the baby isnt a possession belonging to one parent.

@parent999 surely if the father is abusive that's not someone you would want involved in your child's upbringing. You don't know the circumstances surrounding this at all.

OP sounds like someone who is concerned for his daughters safety, as any parent would be.

Yes he can apply to the court. But it takes time, and he may not bother. And at least she won’t have to worry about him interfering in where she lives and so on in the early days. And if he turns out against all the odds to be a prince among men, she can always add him later.

Thank you all for you replies but I’d rather there be no arguments. I can’t fit the whole story in but I maybe should have said my daughter will have the fathers name on the birth certificate but not use his last name. He is not abusive physically but from what I hear, is using scare tactics to get his name used. I think I am pretty happy that his threats will amount to nothing unless he gets into my daughters head. I hope to balance that.

She can name the baby what she wants , she can not put him on the birth certificate.

However I can’t work out from your post if this is you thinking foreword or this is what your dd wants to do

Don't given the child his surname. He will have more rights straight away and could take the baby away/ not return it/ threaten to. Get legal advice on this.

If they’re married he has automatic parental responsibility. If they are not he has to be present to be on the birth certificate. If he is present and they argue over the name with the Registrar I don’t think they will register the baby. If she has/does break up with her partner I would suggest registering the child herself without him present (and without his name on the birth certificate) to avoid arguments at the point of registration. She can then return with him at a later date (my registrar explicitly told me this) to add him to the birth certificate but by this point the baby’s name will be final.

P.s. @thethoughtfox is wrong, he doesn’t have more rights if the baby has his surname, only if he is on the birth certificate.

“Don't given the child his surname. He will have more rights straight away and could take the baby away/ not return it/ threaten to. Get legal advice on this“

This is not true. Being on the birth certificate gives him rights. The baby having his name doesn’t. But still don’t do it.

As they aren't married she is the only one who can register the birth, she doesn't have to have her ex there. She doesn't have to use his surname. She doesn't even have to put him on the birth certificate. There are a lot of threads on here, written by women who have different surnames than their children, they are desperate to change their child's name to their own but are blocked by ex's, who often have nothing to do with their child anymore. Point out to your dd that at every doctors appointment staff will have to clarify that she is mum, that she will have to produce a birth certificate as well as a passport to travel with her child, that she'll be writing her ex's name on school uniforms and forms for years to come unless she stands strong. Hopefully it will help.

I realise you’re not asking for this advice but may I suggest that you’ve asked this question on the wrong site. Despite the advice given here, being able to do this and whether she should do it is two different things.

In my opinion she should definitely not sneak behind her partner’s back to register the birth without the father. This is morally wrong and I can only imagine the uproar here if a father was (legally able) to sneak behind the mothers’ back to register the birth, just to get his own way.
This sort of thing paves the way for years of heart ache, loss of trust and most likely court.
If my partner were to do something so dastardly I’d never forgive her and given the loss of trust, go for a child arrangement immediately.

I would suggest a measured approach through counselling or mediation and compromise with a hyphenated name perhaps.

Thank you all for your replies with advice, I appreciate them. I understand the strength of feeling on this subject so will advise a measured and informed approach when and if it comes to it. I suspect as with the first child (who does not have his surname for much the same reasons), my daughters intention is that they will both attend, (he will badger her but) she will have him on the certificate as the father but use her surname. I'm sure I'm being overly 'worried grandfather' but it's good to get an outside perspective. Thank you again, in the nicest possible way I hope you don't have to hear from me again. Take care.