Name calling and csa

[pumpkinbump]

Hi, I hope this is the right place to put this.

I have two issues.

1. Baby is 10 months. Father has paid toward certain things bought for the baby. Doesn't live with us,we split because he wanted to keep his old lifestyle and wouldn't commit to me and baby. Mentioned Csa month ago and he flipped. I told him he needs to make a regular payment each month, his idea was to have me keep receipts for everything I bought for the baby and addd them up each month and he would give me half. I said no so he has put 100 in my account for last 3/4 months. I finally got the balls to call csa yesterday. How do I tell him this? Worried about his reaction.

Today we were meant to be taking the baby to his nephews tea party. Previous issues of his family repeatedly kissing the baby on the mouth with one time being that his step dad actually put his open mouth over the baby's mouth. So many arguments about this took place, after being asked politely more than once not to kiss the baby his mother did it twice so I haven't taken the baby to visit them since Christmas as it happened then at their house but have been more than accomodating with them visiting the baby at my house, as yet, they haven't.

I told my ex I was unable to to attend today as my boiler has been leaking and I have no hit water or heating. I've had a plumber twice which hasn't fixed it so I have arranged for another to come today as a matter of urgency but he cannot give me a time. Ex still turned up at my house expecting me to go. I told him I couldn't repeadely as I couldbt middle the plumber. I tried to contact the plumber to ask if he could text me when he was on his way but he hasn't got back to me. My ex basically went mad. Called me a selfish cow, a f*cking c*t in front of our baby. I asked him to not call me names and stop shouting and also asked him to leave numerous times. My friend has told me I need to log this incident with the police but I am unsure. He thinks i set the plumber to come today deliberately, i didnt, i wasnt thrilled about going to the party as they have been cold with me since telling them not to kiss the baby and telling my ex they can visit her here but I would have gone so they could see her.

Not sure what to do? Can anyone offer any advice? Sorry that was so long

Sorry mentioned csa months ago and I meant I couldn't risk missing the plumber.

You dont need to tell him, they will contact him with the details you gave. You need to decide what arrangement you are going to have.

My ex and I have the middle one, they work out how much money he needs to pay for a one off fee that I paid and then he set up a direct debit to me. As soon as he misses a payment I can call them and they will move us on to Collect and Pay. A portion of the money goes to them for admin fees but also means they can/will take him to court.
Alternatively, you can just work it out between you but this gives you no safety net if he suddenly decides not to pay. I did not like this option and do not think it would work in your case.

I broke up with my ex when I was pregnant (DD is now 10 years old) I remember the number of things like the situation in your OP about the kissing family members that I would stress about. With hindsight, I recognize that if I had a second child I would never worry about half the things I worried about with DD. You could have let him take DD for a couple of hours and providing she has a healthy immune system the kissing is a bit gross but a bit of a non-issue (although I know it wont feel like that now), wait for all the other stuff she starts putting in her mouth when she is toddling. I remember ex telling me he gave 10 mnth old DD some cola...I hit the roof like it was the end of the world and he'd made her chug a litre bottle, in actual fact it was probably a tiny sip.

You need to get set visitation in place as well, court is expensive and stressful but was the best thing we did. Very young children wont be expected to spend the night and contact i built up over time. We ended up at a contact centre as it didnt work out at my home when DD was very small then buil up to a couple of hours twice a week, to two days 9:00 - 5:00 by the time she was about to go to Nursery.

Thanks for your reply, that has helped a lot. I wasn't really happy with the missing and could have tolerated it more apart from his step dad doing that. I was horrified. He literally put his whole open mouth over hers. I would have let him take her to the party but I have some serious concerns about his ability to provide proper care for her. He took her to his house instead of bringing her back to me after he took the baby to visit us parents. It was the first time he had sold care for her and it was for about 4 hours in total. That night we spent the night in the hospital because he claimed that at 4 weeks old she rolled off his sofa. There was an occasion where he put the baby in the car, and I went in the back before driving off and found he hadn't stepped the car seat belt around or clipped her in. I went mad. And since then I have always put her in the car myself and on the odd occasion I allow him to do it I always check, about 4 out of 5 times he hasnt put her in properly. So I don't trust him to take her. There are lots of other things too.

Then I would see if you can get a referral to a contact centre. Our one was lovely, staffed by volunteers who supervised contact and in a community centre, we used for a toddler group anyway. It gave ex 1:1 time to develop parenting skills as we never lived together and gave me a piece of mind.

DD also came home with her nappy on wrong and stuck to her skin...I was cross about that for ages but years later I can see that it really didnt matter.

The car seat thing is concerning and not something you want to mess around with but again hell never learn if he isnt given the opportunity. (Again I didnt feel like this back then, when he pushed DDs pram in the road just as a car came around the corner).

I know she is very young, but it probably isnt doing you any favours being around him a lot. Hand over is hard, and she'll probably cry when she goes and be in a terrible mood when she comes home because young children don't like change (just like when they are dropped off at nursery). But it will get better. If she isnt in any immediate danger (not around, drink, drugs, smoke) then it is probably best not to know what is happening and leave them to it. If you take over the parenting for him every time he gets it wrong he'll just wait for you to do it for him and not learn how to do it right.

I hope it all works out for you. I know how hard it is when you are sleep deprived and have to hand your baby over to someone who isnt as 'good' as you. It gets better though.

I would simply text him to tell him you have now gone to the csa so we can eliminate any issues and discussion on finances.

Yes log abisive behaviour . I also had my ex see my son in the contact centre as he was aggressive when I supervised contact . It was arranged through my solicitor . No court needed