Ex taking dcs abroad - can't stand the thought

[TattooEnvy]

DCs (11 and 8) father has decided that he would like to take them away with what's left of some money he's come into recently.

Some points to note:
He is named on the Birth certificate for them both
He doesn't pay maintenance at all
He lives far away and sees them in school holidays (when he can fit them in)
They never have been his priority
Lives with new wife and children (I split with him, no om/w, no animosity)
I struggle with anxiety, saying no, and dealing with confrontation (so I've always been too accommodating for what he deserves)
The dcs, youngest especially, have been less and less keen to go to visit and every time it's a battle getting them there which is so hard.

At the moment, they've planned the holiday around their dcs half term which is different to mine, so I've said no to 10 days out. Especially as DC1 will be in their first year of secondary. But I have a feeling they'll work around this.

I can't bear the thought of it. They've never been abroad before, and DC1 gets very overwhelmed easily, especially travelling, which has never been taken any notice of when with them. Just one reason they are starting to resent going.

They're just not his priority, and their selfishness trumps the dcs needs in so so many instances.

On top of that, it's to a country I'm not exactly over the moon about as well.

Theres nothing I can do though is there? He has Parental responsibility being on the birth certificate so my hands are tied. He can just get a passport and take them, and I will have to say yes.

I know my anxiety is partly taking over here but they've been my whole world for the past 11 years where as he dips in and out when it suits playing Disney dad. The anger and frustration is equally strong.

How do you deal with things like this? Help me see reason please!

You’re unlikely to be able to prevent it happening, you’re right.

What exactly are you worried might happen?
And why isn’t he paying maintenance? Doesn’t he work? Have you made a claim through the CMS?

So what do the dc say about it? Do they want to go?
If he wants to take them during term tome you would both be fined, so you'd be justified in saying no.
You court apply to the Court for a forbidden steps order to stop him.

Why would you want to do anything to stop it ?

Just because it makes YOU feel uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it’s bad for ur children.

try and think about it from that perspective. Also what if this was reversed and he didn’t want you to take them abroad ?

I know that if roles were reversed I would be angry if he tried to stop me, that's why I've never stopped anything that's made me uncomfortable previously. The kids need convincing to go every time and I resent having to talk them into something they don't want to do again just to please him when he's so bloody feckless.

DC1 doesn't want to go because they hate travelling. DC2 doesn't want to go because they hate leaving me. They will say yes to what their dad wants and cry to me about it. When o try and talk to him about it he won't listen, won't help, and will just expect them when he wants them. Every time I have to talk them into going because I think that it's not up to me to stop him seeing his children.

Im not planning on stopping it, I just want to know how to get over the anger, frustration and anxiety I feel about it all.

He doesn't pay maintenance because he works cash in hand to has 'no income'.

What a crap scenario can totally see why you feel the way you say. I hate the whole attitude around part time dads who do/provide nothing and aren't there yet rock up with a holiday/toys etc. Disney dad is definitely the right term! Hope you can get it sorted. My parents divorced when I was a child and I never actually wanted to leave my mum so she just told my dad no if he suggested anything, I love them both but I lived with my mum and I didn't want to sleep out or go abroad without her etc. He just accepted that, but I know a lot of dads make it a battle between the parents and the 'rights' they have rather than what the child wants. Don't listen to anyone who makes you feel bad for feeling the way you do, you know your kids better than anyone as you're the one there day in day out not just in summer hols!

Ok well you CAN prevent it - they need your permission to go abroad. However that's a separate issue from whether you should...

I know I shouldn't, and realistically I wouldn't. Not least because legally I can't, but Im too weak to say no. It's just frustrating and difficult.

Thank you @Sparkles1992 , I appreciate your post

Well legally you can prevent them from going. And surely a judge can't authorise a term time holiday anyway?! YOU would be liable for the fine as well as your exH.

It's up to you whether you prevent them going or not. Once they're there would your kids enjoy it? Is it just the travel part or would they not like the holiday too?

It's no good saying you're too weak to say no, OP. It's your duty to be strong and do what's best for them, and it sounds like it's best that they don't go. So tell him!

It’s unlikely a judge would make an order preventing a normal family holiday.

You don't know that MissMalice. The dc don't want to go; it's to a country that the OP isn't happy about, and it's out of term time.

Thank you everyone, for your replies. I've calmed down a bit now

With a legitimate reason (I.e in term time) i have said no, and will continue to do so. Not only because of not having them miss school, but as pp said, I would be fined too and I can't afford it at all.

Plus, if DC1s anxiety would be too bad I would put my foot down that either he takes it seriously or they don't go. But I try so hard to keep my anxieties from rubbing off on them, I do try to encourage them to push themselves (within their limits) as the case is they usually enjoy things once they do it.

I just have a nasty habit of putting myself out to accommodate him because I'm unable to say no, I just roll over and then moan about it. It's a shit quality that drives DP mad. I envy people who can say 'sorry, that doesn't work for me'. But that's nothing to do with this holiday, although does affect my judgement on these sorts of things.

I've also calmed down enough to admit that I'm probably a bit jealous too. I am in no position to afford a holiday, partly because I've struggled to bring them up on my own without his financial help, so it grates on me.

Thank you for grounding me