Co-parenting struggles

[Ohlala19]

Hi

Just wondering if there's anyone out there that has been in / is currently in the same situation as me in regards to co-parenting.

My partner of 8 years left me when I was 22 weeks pregnant (planned pregnancy, we had been trying for a family for 3 years and went through IVF together). I very much went through the pregnancy and its difficulties alone.

He blamed me for the break up initially, said I had changed and he didn't think we were compatible anymore. A few weeks down the line I find out he's dating another woman, who I believe has been in the scene for some time before we split up - although I can't prove it.

I have since given birth to our beautiful little boy and I can honestly say I've never felt a love like it. He is my world and is currently 11 days old.

My ex visited us in hospital when he was born and came round to my mum's house in the first week for an hour here and there to see him. However he has since started asking to take him away for a couple of hours (generally Sundays) to his own house so he can bond with him.

Up to now, I've allowed him to, as I very much want my son to have a relationship with his dad and have to put his needs first. He took him for two hours the first time.

Today however, he took him for 4 hours and I felt really uncomfortable and struggled to deal with him being away from me for that long.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to cope with this type of co-parenting situation? I really want it to work for the sake of my son but my emotions are very much all over the place when he leaves me.

I think it may be because part of me felt like we were deserted during pregnancy and it was just me and him every day (although he was inside me) until the day he was born.

Thanks for reading.

Congratulations on your baby! Your son is 11 days old, you don’t have to let anyone take him away from you and your ex can see him at your home if that would make you more comfortable, at times and for a duration you’re happy with. This young, your baby only needs you.

Thanks for your kind reply Anne.

I did say to my ex that I was comfortable with him being taken away from me so soon, but he reacted quite angrily towards me, saying that I was being inconsiderate and that I had him all the time whereas he only asks for a couple of hours here and there and he is being very considerate of my feelings.

Being the type of person that I am (a bit too soft and like to avoid confrontation), I felt absolutely awful about his reaction and immediately felt like a bad person. He said he didn't expect me to put walls up if he wanted to see his son.

I'm not putting any walls up in my eyes, but I don't have the strength to deal with the confrontation and I'm struggling to understand where I stand in terms of legal rights and the right thing to do for my son.

I feel like I'm trying to please everyone and it's becoming a bit overwhelming.

Sorry, wasn't** comfortable.

I agree . Tell him he can see your son at yours/ mums and you will leave him in a room alone to give them time to bond.

Reacting badly to getting his own way is never ok.

This is not co parenting at this stage . You decide breast or bottle fed , what nappies , you buy them , co sleep or not . He is getting to know your dd at this point.

I also cannot figure out at11 days old there can only of been 2 Sunday’s so one week 2 hours next 4 hours?

OP love, even if you were still together you’d be within your rights to tell him you’re not okay with being apart from your baby for hours! And you’d feel much more able to trust him and know he had your needs in mind as much as his own. 11 days ago your baby was snug and warm in your belly, you’re both adjusting to him being out in the world, it takes time. That’s not you being selfish or controlling or anything, that’s nature and perfectly normal.

Your ex sounds like a bully and he has no right to take your baby away from you. Even though it’s happened before and you thought it was okay doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind now and you should if you want to. He can “bond” with you there, he can see the baby in your home, you can ask a friend or family member to be there at the same time if you think your ex is going to be a twat. Actually if you don’t feel safe or happy with him coming to your home you can say no to that too. I can’t imagine any court in the land would agree to such a tiny baby having contact away from his mum and your home is yours, who comes in to it is entirely your choice.

If you’re worried your ex isn’t respecting you wishes then you don’t have to see him.

Right now, you and your baby need each other, don’t let your horrible ex ruin this very special time. Get to know your baby, snuggle in bed or on the sofa, spend time with people who care about you and will look after you both.

I have said this to numerous mothers on here. Two people make a baby. You do not have more rights to the child than the father does. Both have equal rights. You did not make the baby by yourself. The child needs both parents. I will use my story as an example to you. My mother and father had me and my brother and then divorced. My mother would not let our father see us. She did a few times a year at first. Then she stopped. We lived far away so I could not see him by myself. She wanted us all for herself and was jealous if we loved or mentioned our father at all. This caused pain on so many levels. My brother became so severely depressed at not seeing our father that he went into a psychiatric hospital. He is older now and still is depressed and suffers very much from not seeing his father. I suffered without the love of my father. Not being able to see him is still the greatest pain that I have ever experienced in this life. After all these multiple levels of pain: Our father commited suicide at us being taken away from him. Please be responsible and think carefully.

OP’s baby is 12 days old. He does not “need” his father at this point, he needs his mother. His mum getting stressed and upset because they’re apart for too long won’t do him any good at all. If his father can behave with respect, consideration, kindness and trustworthiness he can have contact with him at his mum’s home. If he can’t, then he can wait until the child is older and seek access through the courts.

I’m sorry about your childhood jaimemai but it’s completely irrelevant to OP and her ex and her newborn. Her baby doesn’t know he has feet yet never mind that he doesn’t live with his dad ffs

Annelovesgilbert you are totally wrong. The father is already saying that he is only seeing the baby for a few hours a week. She is reluctant to give him even for a few hours a week. The abuse is already starting. All studies show that a child needs his father from the moment he is born. Of course he needs his father. Read up on it!

“All studies”? And if a baby has no father? Is it traumatised for life? There is no abuse. Don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

Jaimemai, you are obviously trying to help the OP but your comments are not constructive. I too come from a "broken" home but my and your stories are nothing like what the OP is describing. This is a baby who is not yet two weeks old. There is no "abuse" and it is not helpful to the OP, who has very recently given birth for the first time and whose hormones are probably all over the place, to use that word.

OP, there is nothing abusive about restricting the time your newborn is away from you at this stage. A couple of hours at a time is plenty for a baby that age.

I have been in a very similar situation.
My ex wanted to take our new born away from me so he could see him. The first time he did I'd never felt emotions like it. It was horrific and he was 6 days old. This is clearly not right. No mother should be separated from her newborn for whatever reason. This could be more damaging than not seeing their father!
I agree a child needs both parents but like one post said an 11 day old baby does not know who their father is and will know when they're apart from their mother.
Do not let this man bully you and do what is right for you and your baby!

Is he on the birth certificate? You dont have to put him on and give him parental rights if you dont want to or feel he bullies you.

You dont have to put him on

You're right she doesn't, until she's ordered to by a court. Why unnecessarily escalate something which is inevitable.

Children need both parents in their lives!

Limpshade thank you for the nice post. Whoknows11, smiler88 and 3xcookedchips - why do you think the mother has more rights than the father? Both are a parent. Why should she see him more? His father is only seeing him for a few hours in a week right now. I am actually shocked at your thinking.

It's not about the parents rights. It's about what is best for the baby and that is being with its mother. I can't believe you'd even question that.

jaimemai - shut up.... seriously and stop talking out your arse.

My x sees our child at my house - and dosent ever ask to take him away - and hes a few months old - because he understands the bond between baby and mum

that said - i would never stop him from seeing our child - if he didnt want to come to my house I would go to his house or out etc... make it cofrotable for all parties

at any age its whats best for the child - and a young child needs their mum above anything !

Tell him he can visit his son whenever he wants for as long as he wants but at your home. Some babies haven't even left the house at 11 days old, let alone without their mummy. It's way too young to be separated from you for so long. My DS is 14 months old and I am still always around when his father visits.

@Jaimemai at 11 days old a child needs its mother more than it's father. End of.

@carly2803 shut up? So mature. Are you 12? @Summerbreeze912 I think that many mothers, though with maybe good intentions, are selfish. He has asked to see the child. He has every right to see the child. Keeping the child away from the dad at this stage is cruel to the dad, and at a later age is cruel to the child. One of the biggest problems on our society right now causing alot of harm to the children, is mothers taking rights away from the father. You cant just think of yourself. You have to think of the dad and the child

I don't think the dad was thinking of his unborn child or his pregnant wife when he was shagging another woman! I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for men like that. It's not about the mother being selfish, she's thinking of what is best for her newborn and her mental state being left to parent their child!

It annoys me when people say that parents have rights no the child has rights and us as parents have parental responsibilty to make sure your child is safe, secure, loved, healthy etc.
The baby is way to small to be away from mum, i agree dad should see baby with mum either at her house or his or out in public, the baby has relied on mum for the last 9 months, the baby knows mums voice smell etc. Dads bond when baby is born by being a constant in their lives. My ex was with me for 12 months after i had my son and i felt like a single mum, my son now has major attachement issues and wants me all the time, i did every single night feed, and id say 3 out of the 4 day feeds, bathed him, cuddled him, i begged my ex to spend more time with him but he never bothered. Now we arnt together he acts like hes the best dad in the world!!! Ive stopped contact as he wasnt adhering to our sons basic needs, nappy changing feeding him, getting him to sleep!! But of course its all my fault and i gets texts saying "its his right to have his son" no its his sons right to have basic care!!!!
The OP baby needs mummy and then to build a bond with dad too.

The OP isn’t saying she wants to prevent the baby from having contact with its father. If the father cared about what was in the best interest of the child he would agree to meet at her house or somewhere public but would not suggest taking the baby away from its mother.

Considering the fact that he’s shown himself to be untrustworthy and unreliable he should be doing whatever it takes to build back trust.

If I were you OP I would not let this man go off with my baby. Your heart is in the right place though. Be strong xxx

Babies need their mums. read the 4th trimester. Jaimiemae (and im guessing your either in a relationship or have zero x problems!)

"I think that many mothers, though with maybe good intentions, are selfish. He has asked to see the child. He has every right to see the child. Keeping the child away from the dad at this stage is cruel to the dad, and at a later age is cruel to the child. One of the biggest problems on our society right now causing alot of harm to the children, is mothers taking rights away from the father. You cant just think of yourself. You have to think of the dad and the child"

she didnt say she was stopping contact - she woudl be better with supervised as the baby is so small

I absolutely agree fathers (where safe, non abuse etc) should be having time with their children, that isnt what the OP is saying.

If someone asked to take away my 11 day old child, they would be givin a firm no BUT offered visits with me.