Ex having a new baby

[GiveMeFood12]

Have name changed.

I found out today that my ex is having a baby with his new partner. He didn't tell me himself, I found out through mutual friends when they asked how dd had taken the news.

We have a dd together.
She is currently no contact with her dad - stopped by courts - due to domestic violence from him to me and him to the new partner that was witnessed by dd.
Ex was physically abusive to me and is still now emotionally and financially abusive towards me and dd.

She now doesn't call him her dad he calls him by his actual name; And she has said numerous times she does not want to be around him / new partner.

However, if he does get contact with dd he will obviously tell her his news.

Should I tell dd first? Should I prepare her for this?
He has been known to previously push a new family onto my dd - and she has been reporting feeling lonely, left out, unloved.

I don't want her to be ambushed or left feeling any ill feeling towards them but I'm not sure how to best handle the situation.

Any perspectives would be helpful or experiences of going through this.

I would contact Ss...

If he's violent I'd be getting in touch with social services so they can step in to protect the new baby.

I'd tell SS too. How old is your dd?

My dd is 8

I'm assuming that SS have been informed as the police informed them when the were called to the address following the domestic violence - they then removed dd from the property. However, this was before she was pregnant / around the time she conceived.

Cafcass are currently running checks for my court hearing - or they are suppose to be.

I would at this stage be very careful about anything you say to her about her dad. I assume he will say it is you making her not want to see him not his behaviour.🙄

However if Cafcass talk to her and she is upset about this they might misinterpret your reasoning

Maybe I'll leave it then .....

Every week I ask if she wants to call her dad - she starts shouting at me and crying
She has a councillor at school who also tries to make her speak about her dad but she shuts down

If the courts allow him contact with her again then maybe I'll speak to her about the new baby before she goes to him

If the courts have said no contact why are you suggesting she calls him?

Because he is allowed indirect contact. I don't want to be seen to be unreasonable by the courts.

I offer her to phone him, she says no.

He has made no attempt at calls, letters anything in 8 months

If he has made no attempts then do nothing. Give your dd a break she needs which will hopefully be king term. The fact he has done nothing goes in your favour but at the end of the day all you are doing is upsetting your dd. If it went back to court it’s only your word you have asked .

Indirect contact doesn't mean phone calls!

Indirect would be a letter, email or text that your dc can choose to access - or not - at their own pace. PLEASE don't keep suggesting a phone call. If you want to be seen as keeping lines of communication open then a reminder every now and again that if she wants to call him she can would be more than enough.

Forcing her to decide whether or not to contact him will be making her feel worse - 'he hasn't made the effort and mum is trying to make me' will be making her so conflicted.

She needs support to be able to come to terms with his rejection, not be made to think she is responsible to maintain contact!

Indirect isn't phone calls, you've been given bad advice. As PP said it's letters, emails type thing.

If she's reacting that way to the suggestion of phone calls I'd stop, for her sake tbh.

And SS won't have had an automatic referral because she's pregnant, if they don't know she's pregnant they can't act.

If he doesn't have contact or means to tell her himself I wouldnt say anything. I'd call SS though if he has a history of violence

I wouldn’t say anything to your daughter unless contact starts again. She doesn’t need to know right now.