How do you explain a totally absent parent.

[BelulahBlanca]

Hi all,

How do you explain to your DC if their parent has been totally absent throughout their life? What age did they begin to ask? My Ex has no living family so we aren't in touch with GPs either.

Thanks :-)

I would tell them the truth but in a child friendly way. Like he wasn't ready to be a daddy, mummy and daddy didn't get on, daddy is ill (drugs etc) but always reconfirm how much you love them.

Daddy was a bit grumpy and not very good at working as a family was my usual answer.

They did ask about him more when they were around 7/8 but it wasn't a problem. Now they're older I know that ds has noticed how badly some parents and separated parents behave and he's relieved he doesn't have to put up with it. His friend has a Disney dad and he's always rolling his eyes about him.

My dc's know no different so TBH we've plodded along for a decade without any dramas. I've never bad mouthed their dad, he was bloody good at some things and I answer any questions they ask. He was just shit at being part of a household .

My DS never even asked about his father. Df left when DS was just under 2. DS just accepted it.

You just have to tell the truth. No point in sugar coating it. Although my ex that I haven't seen since birth 11 years ago has had another child and after a year still seems to be with the mother. I genuinely believe my son's and I life to better and more enriched without him. My son jokes about it a bit and I tell him if he wants me to call him to arrange a meeting I will try, DS refuses. I tell him it's good to satisfy his curiosity, but I also exercise caution and he is manipulative and likely to tell you down, again I emphasise this is his DF issue nothing to do with him. I also try and explain he came from a less moral family so the moral compass is not quite the same as your mothers or most decent people.

I left my ex with Ds and went to a refuge . At first he was told we left as I believed we would be happier. He now knows his dad was unable to prioritise him and knows he would get angry and that is not ok for him to him to be around that .

He has known more as he has got older. I don’t agree with the he loves you in his own way as in my mind it’s not love

My ds’s Dad dropped out is life at 3.

If dd every asks about not having a Dad I ask her is it makes her sad she usually says no. If she is sad then I tell her I'm sorry she's sad and then tell her that sometimes people don't get a daddy or mummy and sometimes they have two of each or live with their granny etc. I tell her that all families are different but that ours is amazing because we have each other and then we talk about our extended family and how much they love her.

My situation is different, but I tell my son that he has me instead of his BM and BD as they couldn’t look after him properly and did things that weren’t safe for a baby, but I can look after him properly and keep him safe. He also knows why he won’t have a mum. As he gets older he will get more age appropriate details.

The more you normalise something the easier it is for children to understand and feel safe asking questions.

As with Simon my DCs are adopted and you really need to tell them before they ask questions.

Ds was 2 when he started asking. He's 4 now. Recently he asked me to ask his dad to come and see him as he'd not seen him since he was a baby. My ex declined to even answer the email except to say he needed to think of how to answer That was 4 months ago. Ds knows his name, has seen photos, knows his favourite music and knows his brother's names and a bit about them but they've no interest in meeting him. He understands they live far away but it's only 3 hours on the train so not far at all really. They don't want to know. As ds gets older this is going to be harder to deal with but he has me and his doting sisters and grandmother along with his godparents and friends. He knows nothing else so at the moment the concept of a dad is only through tv, books and at school. His sisters visit their dad once a week and eow so his understanding of dads is that they don't live with you. My dad is dead so he's no real concept of male family members being around.

My ex doesn’t ask about our daughter for multiple weeks to the next and only contacts me about money( currently buying him out my house) he never asks about her or to see her. He claims to be always working but he’s on social media with the new girlfriend spending time with her on weekends. My daughter doesn’t ask about him anymore ( she’s 3) and on the rare occasion she sees him her behaviour changes and she becomes angry. I’m seriously considering restricting access as he is so inconsistent. Trying to do what’s best for her. Any advice?