I'm stuck in a family that isn't a family

[tryingtoparent123]

Hi all,
I have a 6 month old baby and me and her father are together. I'm 25 and we rent together, from the outside looking in we have the perfect family life.
However that's not the case. For too long now me and my partner haven't been getting on, it just seems like we're miserable together. He speaks to me like I'm worse than dog poop on the bottom of his shoe and makes me feel completely worthless. I do everything for him, I cook, clean, look after our child whilst he does what he wants in the time he's not at work I.e gym, pub, spending time with friends and my life is centred around the baby... I just don't really do anything else but look after her every day, I don't really have a social life.
I was diagnosed with depression and I think the longer I'm staying with him treating me like rubbish the worse it's getting. I've tried explaining that I'm not happy and that I just want him to show me a bit of respect but he doesn't listen. He thinks he can pass all of his nasty comments off as 'banter' but when it's gotten to the point where we can't even have a normal conversation without him slaying me with this 'sarcastic banter' that's just basically putting me down and being down right horrible to me I think enough is enough.
I want us to be a happy family, I've tried so hard but no matter how many times we go over it nothing changes on his behalf.
It's gotten to the point now where the slightest sign of an argument and he screams 'just go don't be with me' and throws that in my face. He knows I have nowhere to go and nobody to turn to if I left him and he takes advantage of this because he knows I'm stuck here. I feel helpless and don't know what to do. Every day I'm a stupid c**t and that's not even the beginning of it. He pays the rent so he's even started saying now that this is his house... even though the house is in both of our names and I pay all the household bills which mount up to the same amount as the rent. If I left me and my baby wouldn't have anywhere to go but i feel like it's just getting too bad to stay.
What would you do in my situation?

The way he's treating you isn't normal, and you do not have to put up with it. If I were you, I'd be looking at my options. There's always a way - don't feel reliant on him

Do you have family anywhere that you could get to? Friends who you could stay with whilst you sort things? Foremost, don't tell him where you're going if you're planning on leaving. Have you any savings at all if you were to rent somewhere?

He is abusive. Please seek help to leave him.

Speak to your health visitor. I'm sure they will have local knowledge of organisations that can help

I don't have any savings any my family live quite far away and we're not that close. Unfortunately the luxury of rocking up at your parents house at whatever age is something I don't have.
I just feel like there's nothing I can do I feel so stuck. My friends are all in loving happy homes with babies of their own and husbands, I can't burden myself on them when they have young families themselves.
I think he does think it's not normal the way he treats me that's the sad thing. And he knows I have nowhere to go so he can treat me however he likes.

The sad thing is he says he wants to be with me and for us to be a family, and when things get really bad he may change his ways for a day or so but then just goes back to it even worse

Go to Women's Aid, they can find you accommodation, you have nothing to stay there for. Just pack your bags and go whilst he's at work. Make sure you take birth certificates, passport etc

But he isn't abusive. I get the odd shuv out of the way every now and again but that's as far as it goes. I don't want to portray myself as one of these women in crisis who needs to go for refuge because there's so many more people in so much of a worse situation than me that need the help more.
Like I say from the outside looking in everything seems fine, people like him... maybe there's just something wrong with me

Shoving you out of the way IS abusive and the way he speaks to you and treats you IS abusive. You need to ask yourself if you really want to spend, potentially, the rest of your life living with a man who treats you like that and, more importantly, whether you want your child to grow up in that environment. Making the initial break would be hard, yes, but think how much happier you could be in the long run.

It is him, not you. He is definitely being abusive. You need to consider leaving him as the tension and arguing will affect your child.

'But he isn't abusive'

If someone called your daughter a 'stupid cunt' every day, would you find that acceptable, or no?

Emotional abuse; calling you a cunt, belittling you, threatening you. Physical abuse; shoving you
Is this what you want your baby to grow up and see as a 'relationship'?
He's not going to change, stop imaging some perfect instagram life, it's not going to happen. He will get worse because he knows you'll put up with it.

I'm not imaging some 'Instagram perfect life'... I just want to be respected and loved. I didn't think that should be too much to ask.
As for my daughter, she is my absolute life. I've spent every single day of her life with her trying my best to make her happy. I just wanted her to have a happy family.
Maybe it was the wrong thing to do asking for advise on here. However much I appreciate everyone's help, the thought that I'm intentionally not doing the best for my baby couldn't be further from the truth. To say 'just walk out' is easier said than done. If it was just me then fine, but I've got her to consider and I can't just go and what.. be on the streets with a 6 month old? I just don't think it's as easy as perhaps some of you think. I'm not a stupid person, before giving up work to have a baby I was working in an executive position within a very well known public transport company. I have a 1st BA(hons) English Degree from Manchester university. I'm not thick, I'm not a 'dole bum', not a chavy family... I'm just a normal person trying to figure out what I did to make someone treat this way that's meant to love me and be my support system and trying to find a way of making things better for both my daughter and myself

Nobody has said anything about you being stupid, you came on here and you haven't got the answers you want. No one will advice you how to stay with an abusive bully, leaving is never easy but it can be done, I chose to leave my ex with 3 kids under 7; yes it was hard but we survived. You and your baby deserve better.

You're asking "why". Think about this for a minute. What would knowing the answer "why" do for you?

Because the answer why is available to you.

Why is he doing this to you? Because he is an abuser. No you didn't cause it and no you don't deserve it.

Now can you move on?

He doesn't need to be beating you to a pulp every weekend to be abusive. His behaviour towards you is, at the very least, emotionally abusive. There is no way on earth my DH would "shove me out the way", it just wouldn't happen.

He is deliberately cruel to you and then tries to gaslight you by saying it's "banter". I think you've just been really ground down by his behaviour and now it's hard to see a way out.

Please try calling women's aid and telling them everything you've said here. It might be hard to get through but keep trying. There is support out there.

Are you on maternity leave from your job? Is it possible for you to return to work in the next few months?

It isn't easy to leave, it won't be easy but it is possible and you will get there. Hold on to the fact that one day quite soon you could be free from this and living independently with your DD. Good luck OP.

Leaving will be very hard, yes, but living with an abusive man will be even harder, and detrimental to your DC. You could start by investigating your housing options, money , any benefits you might be able to get.

You are intelligent person everyone have said the same leave him.
Yes it is going to be hard but this will not be for ever, it is not easy but the first few weeks will be the hardest. You will then start settling into your own routine.
Do you think your baby deserves to be in a family home where there is abuse going on. She is 6 months you can hide it she will pick up on your stress and fear but sooner or later she will be hearing a lot more as she grows. Do you not feel that this will become unhealthy for that baby and effect her. Physical, emotional abuse in a home can have long lasting effect on a child if you don’t act now. It is not healthy for you to live like this fearing what he will do or say. If you are able to maybe start putting some money aside now because sooner or later he will be slowly breaking you and who will take care of the child. He is a abuser. Please make appointment with your health visitor and get help. Hope things get better for you. 🌷