Son wants contact with ex...again,fed up of this Merry go round

[wonderstuff99]

Sorry,I need to rant. My 9 year old son stopped seeing his dad last year because he started emotionally abusing him (I recognise the signs because he did the same to me,in my sons words he was mean and made him sad). "Dad" has been in and out of his life since we split at age 3 and still refuses to compromise. Basically, he thinks our son is his property and what he says goes. I raised him alone since he was 3 and its been tough but we've done alright. Two years ago I met my partner and he's brilliant with my son. But tonight,my son decided he wanted to message dad and now I have to facilitate a meeting between them on Thurs (I have to take him to the park and sit in the car because my son wants me close by.) This is about the 4th/5th time we've started contact like this and it always lasts for a few weeks or months then fizzles out because dad stops making an effort or upsets son. And its me,my partner and our family that pick up the pieces. And now,I'm going to have to do it all again. And I'm just fed up of it. I can't help but feel this is a massive kick in the teeth for me (and my partner). We're there at birthdays, Christmases, we love him when his behaviours not great,we comfort him when he's sad...yet this doesn't seem to matter. He wants him,the person who treats him like crap and is potentially quite harmful to him. Yet,I have to let him see him for what he is. At what point does this happen? I thought at nearly 10,and after the last incident,he'd have realised.

It doesn't.
I am 30 and I still give my df chances.
Remember you didn't do birthdays or take care of him when he was ill because your ex didn't or to win an award you did it because you love your ds.
This is about you or what you do, he's your ex but he will never be your ds ex.
My own ds loves me and his df the same, but I do sports day, parent evening, sat in hospitals for hours for operation etc because they don't understand all that. Children just want normal. My dp does HW, doctors appointments, worries about Christmas gifts but he will never replace their dad.

Really? At aged 9? You don't understand his want to be loved by the other person he knows should love him more than anything?

I don't think anyone should see it as a kick in the teeth that your partner of only two years isn't the dad your son wants.

You sound quite resentful of him. I hope I'm wrong.

This isn't about you. It's a bit of a worry that you think it is. It is not a kick in the teeth for you. It's the natural desire of a child to know their parent, to have that parent love tham and want them, and to seek a happy ending to their own difficult story. The absence of a parent weighs very heavily upon a child.

I'm afraid that you need to put your wounded pride to one side, and not make this about you. Be there for your son. Be positive about what he is doing - given the strength of the feelings you've described, it's quite likely that your son is aware of how you feel. And that will be causing him to feel a sense of divided loyalties. That's setting this up to fail, so as hard as I'm sure it must be (your ex sounds like a delight!), you have to put that to one side.

Why on earth wouldnt he want to see his dad?dont be selfish and jealous

I think reading this you need to be clear.

Is your Ex abusing your DS?

If not you were wrong to stop contact and should of worked through the issues.

if he is abusing him then you are doing nothing to safeguard him.

There are huge safeguarding concerns with my Ex...My DS knows that is his dad wanted to see him he would have to take me to court to make sure it is the right thing for him.

I think what is going on sounds damaging to yours DS.

I also think from your post you do come across very bitter and that new partner should be enough.. It took me till I was about 40 to stop wanting my abusive mother to love and approve of me.

Well I'm late twenties and still constantly want my parents to love me in the way they should but they never do.

He's 9, give him a break. Of course he wants his Dad to love him. If there are genuine safeguarding issues at bay then you need to protect him. If there's not then you need to swallow your pride and recognise it's about his relationship with his Dad, which is entirely separate to you or your DP.

There are loads of adults who keep on returning to their abusive partners or keep contact with abusive parents/ILs. Your son may not ever break free of the desire to have a relationship with his Dad. This isn't a slight on you at all. Kids are very forgiving and are programmed to want their parents to love them. Ive read lots of MN posts with people pleasers who keep on going back to abusive parents/ILs and can't imagine going NC.

I'm a mum of 3. #1 is NC with his Dad, #2 plans to go NC when she goes to uni and #3 is too young to remember the bad stuff. #1 and went through periods of not seeing Dad (6-12months each time) but guilt made him go back. #2 is continuing with contact until uni because she feels guilt if she went NC.

We are all allowed a moment to feel like this in private.

It is frustrating, and it is upsetting, and no, it isn’t fair.

It’s ruddy awful watching your precious, innocent child yearning after the love of someone who doesn’t deserve a second of their thoughts, let alone the devastation they cause trampling all over your sons vulnerable heart.

Of course it’s ruddy awful, and you’re allowed to vent on here, with other adults who’ve been through it too.

The mistake others are making I think, is to imagine you’d show your frustration and hurt to your little boy!

It’s such a difficult tightrope to walk, where society and the law wants us to go against all our instincts and hand our children over to parents who are not fit to bear that name, and let the child be hurt again and again, sustain emotional damage, all in the name of this being good for the child somehow.

And it’s hard to tread that line of having to do things that are already against our instincts, and know when we can step in and when we are supposed to protect our children.

However, I would gently start asking your son if he remembers what happened last time, and what he wants out of this time? And how you can help support him ...

Basically doing some preparation and resilience building, so when it does go south again, your son can cope better, and start to come to some conclusions himself... with gentle and supportive signposting from you.

Signed, a mum with a 9yr old who hero worships his absent father*

• (I swear poor DS would run off with that awful man in a second, despite DS also still suffering the effects of his emotional abuse when little... or maybe because of. I am not in contact with his father though and have said that we cannot contact him, so I’ve avoided the situation you are in).

You need to stop facilitating the contact. He's 9 and there's a history of his dad being unreliable and abusive.