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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Mum paying child maintenance - non standard calculation help?

18 replies

lostparent1 · 10/04/2019 13:14

Hi,

I am a mum to the most beautiful 9 year old ever but unfortunately I only see her every other weekend. When me and my ex partner split approximately 6 years ago he told me he was keeping her since I worked away through the week occasionally (even though it was to support the family unit)

I agreed to pay maintenance and signed over the child benefit.

I have since moved approx. 700 miles away. Every other week I get on a flight, stay in a hotel, get two flights back to my house and then on a Sunday get two flights back to the dad's house and a flight home for me.

I pay maintenance at an amount agreed between us (which is the correct amount according to the calculator) but does anyone know if there's any variations they would make to the payment as that travel costs me approx. £700 per month. ( I love my child, I'm going to keep doing it regardless but it would help me if it was reduced) as I'm still buying clothes, school uniform, costumes for school, paying for school trips etc.

Half of the holidays are also mine so, it works out over the year 1-2 nights per week.

In case anyone asks, I have seen more than one solicitor and they said I don't have any chance of gaining custody because my child is 'settled' where they are.

Our custody agreement is informal (i.e not through court or mediation)

I live with guilt every day because I did nothing to fight him at the time, I was emotionally broken and ended up agreeing to this arrangement and the more time goes on and I see how she is being raised, the more it's absolutely destroying me.

I get it was my choice to move away, so I should probably shoulder the costs, all I am doing is asking so please don't flame me.

OP posts:

toddle · 10/04/2019 13:19

If it's done through csa the amount you pay is the 'complete package' ie they don't have to then pay for uniforms, trips, activities etc. So you could stop those and if it was taken to csa only pay the calculator amount and the things she requires for her time with you.

Original poster

lostparent1 · 10/04/2019 13:31

Thanks Toddle for the reply. I don't have to pay for them now as I pay the full amount per the child maintenance calculator but I end up paying for them as my parents will call me and tell me "her uniform is too small and we've told him about it but he's done nothing etc" so I pay for them so she doesn't go without.

I fear if I went formally to the CSA that would still be the case.

OP posts:

LorelaiRoryEmily · 10/04/2019 13:34

No advise but you have my sympathy op. That’s an awful situation

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 13:35

I'd move back and go for more access. Isn't that an option?

popcorndiva · 10/04/2019 13:35

700 miles ? Have you moved to a different country? I am sure your ex will point out that was your decision and therefore your travel costs are yours to deal with

Original poster

lostparent1 · 10/04/2019 13:46

Hi Poppingoff - No option to go back for more access, that was agreed when we split. The solicitor said as it's been in play for so long a court wouldn't decide with me.

Hi popcorndiva - No, still in the same country. I get it was my choice hence what I said above.

OP posts:

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 13:50

I'd still consider moving back. Another 4 years, max, and the EOW/half holidays isn't going to work for your daughter when she has a more active social life. But being able to stay with you a few nights here and there will be her choice, not a judges.

Redken24 · 10/04/2019 13:53

Cms will offer a travel deduction but it would mean your child would get less maintenance.

Redken24 · 10/04/2019 13:54

I would see another lawyer too.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 10/04/2019 13:56

Why did you move 700 miles away?!

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 13:58

To be fair, I would hope that if OP means she asked a lawyer about more access where she is currently living, that she would be told no. Why should the daughter be uprooted 700 miles away after 6 years?

But if OP means she would move back and was still told no additional access, I'd fight that, definitely.

Original poster

lostparent1 · 10/04/2019 13:59

I moved 700 miles away because when I was working away that's where my job was, I was commuting and coming home on the weekends to them when we were together.

Seeing my child every other weekend meant I had no reason to stay in a place where I was paying for a house and essentially not living in and was also generally unhappy whilst being there. My child prefers it where I am now and I am much happier.

OP posts:

Original poster

lostparent1 · 10/04/2019 14:03

I asked the solicitor in the context of if I were to move back could I see her more, that's when I was told no because she'd be uprooted from her current settled routine

I don't know if this is at all relevant but I haven't recently moved, I moved approx 6 months after we split up, I couldn't handle being in the area when I was back on a weekend and not seeing her until the next weekend.

OP posts:

OverMoon · 10/04/2019 14:17

I can’t quite get my head around this. Surely if you lived closer, you would see her more, even if the access arrangement would be the same.... because you spend half the time with her on a plane? You fly back with her on a Sunday night - what time do you have to leave the house on Sunday? She has school Monday morning. if you lived down the road, you could just drop her off at bedtime, so WAY more quality time, surely?

I’m not trying to give you a kicking, because you say the custody arrangements were made at a time when you were vulnerable. I’m really sorry that happened. But I really can’t fathom moving 700 miles way from your child. That’s like Cornwall to Scotland distance. What if something happened to her in the week, or on a non-contact weekend? If the arrangement is informal and made out of court, surely there’d be more opportunities to spend time with her if you lived locally (ie occasional weekday babysitting, school plays, having her extra for special occasions )?

I wouldn’t ask to reduce maintaince because of travel costs, because YOU chose to move away, not her dad or her, so why should she/her dad get less money? He needs to pay for the roof over her head and food on the table etc. I don’t think he should subsidise your travel for a decision you made, or that your daughter should get less money.

How many hours is the flight, two or three hrs? Plus time at the airport? Don’t you think it’s all too much for a 9 year old, every other weekend?

In two or three years she’ll be a teenager, and will want to see her friends, study for exams, part time job etc etc at the weekends (things which local EOW parents can facilitate). I really can’t see this being fair on your daughter long term.

poppingoff · 10/04/2019 14:44

I asked the solicitor in the context of if I were to move back could I see her more, that's when I was told no because she'd be uprooted from her current settled routine

Well, as I said, I'd fight that. And even if it didn't work out just now in terms of access, at least you'd be back where she could come and go once she's old enough to decide for herself. Your current set up only means you'll get less and less time with her as the years go on.

nutsfornutella · 10/04/2019 16:45

I asked the solicitor in the context of if I were to move back could I see her more, that's when I was told no because she'd be uprooted from her current settled routine

Are you in the UK? Dad's who haven't seen their kids for years get some contact, I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't get some more if you moved closer.

In my experience contact changes as the child gets older. As long as you're not asking for something drastic like the current situation in reverse, I would get a second opinion.

NorthernSpirit · 10/04/2019 20:56

Yes, maintenance can be reduced to cover travel costs (if costs are more than £10 a month, which in your case they are). It’s called a special variation.

The cost of travel for the year is deducted off gross salary (is is your pension). This amount is used to calculate maintenance payable.

OhamIreally · 17/04/2019 00:25

You can apply for a variation. My ex moved 400 miles away and applied for a variation which was granted by CMS. It means that almost £3000 a year is discounted from his salary. It irks me as he moved away but I want my DD to have this relationship so I suck it up. You will need to supply receipts etc. I have just had an annual review letter and the variation has been continued so it looks like a one time thing.

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