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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Can I join your club?

16 replies

mystical · 10/09/2004 20:48

Hi, Where is my knight in shining armour? Am proud mother of dd aged 8, 36 weeks pg (different dads) thought i had found him, when i told him i was pg he said he would stand by me blah blah, well we have not been getting on for ages because i will not put up with his childish and selfish ways (he is 46!!)So we are no longer together, but he wants to be involved with baby, i dont want that, i feel he has lied to me, i feel very used and betrayed by him. i have bent over backwards to try and please him, it was not enough for him and i think that when the baby comes he will charm his way back in. I dont want to be used like that anymore and am finding it difficult to move on with baby imminent. What do I do? What about the baby's name? I am so confused.

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mammya · 10/09/2004 21:02

Oh poor you mystical it's a difficult time, especially when pregnant. It's normal, I think, for you to feel that way at this stage when the emotions are so raw. How long has it been since you split up? Have you made up your mind that you really don't want to get back together? I'm sorry I'm not being very helpful, I'm not very good at giving out advice but I sympathise and also wanted to bump this up for you.

mumofelise · 10/09/2004 21:06

mystical, I learned over both of my pregnancies that things can seem far darker than they are. You are clearly a strong woman and am sure that you will make the correct choice. About the name I have the view my body my name.

NomDePlume · 10/09/2004 21:08

Oh hon, wish I had advice for you, I'm sure someone helpful will be along soon. Enormous hugs and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy. NdP xx

tammybear · 10/09/2004 21:17

hi mystical, sorry you're having a hard time. i can understand how you feel. you will be fine on your own, you sound very strong. in regards to your baby name, you dont have to worry about he/she having your exp's name, thats up to you. my dd has both mine and exp's surnames but now i regret and wish she just had mine. are you sure you dont want your baby growing up without a father? i hate my exp so much and TBH if i could hire a hitman i would (so sorry!) but he's still aroundish for dd's sake, and i take none of his crap. you will get lots of support on here. do you have family or friends to support you? xxx

Original poster
mystical · 10/09/2004 21:36

Thanks everyone, dont think i will ever learn bout men! Dont think i could get back with him, he has hurt me too much, find it difficult to even be friends with him as it is so raw, although i am not devastated. you know when you are growing up and have this ideal plan mapped out, then when you actually go through life, its nothing like what you thought it would be. I am lucky really in so many ways, i have had a great working life, lots of great experiences that have made me what i am today, independent,outgoing, laid back etc, which for a lot of men is hard to deal with. Ex p keeps asking me about stuff for the baby, surely i need him and his family to buy something? Errr no!!! I moved house a year ago and it was really awful, he was supposed to move in with me and help me with carpetting, decorating etc, well it never happened, have done it all myself and it looks great. He cant stand it, that i wont rely on him for stuff, i think he maybe a bit jealous if the truth be known. It is very tempting to stick two fingers up to him, my baby is all that matters to me (and my dd of course) and will have a wonderful life with us, everyone tells me he will end up a very sad and lonely old man and i think he will !!!

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Original poster
mystical · 10/09/2004 21:47

Ooh tammybear, it has never crossed my mind to have him kneecapped by six yardies lol!!!Things i could do to him, you'd laugh your head off! Re him being in baby's life, thing is tammy he has three children from previous marriage 11, 10 and 7. He is a goodish father to them but he is controlling with the ex wife. he shouts and hollers at her if he doesnt agree with something, he pays very little financially, 100 quid a month although he does buy clothes - football kits and trainers!! He has smacked them in front of me, he has let them see and hear things that i would never let my dd encounter. So the thought of baby being part of that, just cant do it.

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tammybear · 10/09/2004 21:53

ah, i see what you mean now. when the baby comes, you can go to csa so he has to pay you maintenance, and pay you what you're suppose to get. i presume you werent married, right? dont mind me being nosey

Original poster
mystical · 10/09/2004 22:17

no not married thank god!! May go to CSA more to piss him off than anything else. He previously tried to make me promise that if we did split that i wouldnt go to the CSA - nice caring father that he is - less money for him to spend at the pub or up his nostrils, sounds like a good idea to me LOL!!

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tammybear · 10/09/2004 22:22

not to go to the csa? nice! you should definetly get what you are entitled to. does he want to be involved or do you think he'll bugger off anyway?

Original poster
mystical · 10/09/2004 22:44

Tammy I dont think i want him involved although this may be out of my hands with this parental responsibility thing. I takes more than sperm to make a father doesn't it? We havent been together properly for months, probably springtime. How can i let him in my house and play the loving father, he will not be able to take the baby out for the day initially will he? So he is going to have to come here. What happens when i meet someone else? He will not like that and wont be able to cope with it. It's such a minefield, i guess i have to lay ground rules and hope for the best.

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tammybear · 10/09/2004 22:56

i know its so complicated. in my situation, me and exp havent been together since aug last year. he doesnt have PR but wants it. i cant stop him from getting it which then means he has rights for contact and says in matters like education etc. however, as I am the main carer, I have the main say. I am with dp who I have been with for a year now (Ive known him a lot longer and we were together before I was with exp). He is very understanding over my situation with exp, and is very supportive. Of course since exp found out about dp, he now wants PR as he is afraid dp will come in and take over as the father figure. Exp hasnt seen dd in 12 weeks, and is suppose to be coming next weekend. If he does is another story. He wants dd to go up to stay with him for a while, but there is no way Im having that. Even if he had PR, he cant just take her which at one point he thought he could. Im not even going to consider it until he starts showing much more responsibility and that could take well over a year knowing what he is like.

Exp didnt like it when I told him about dp either. He just went mad, and my mum was so afraid he was going to hit me. If he did, I would have hit him back 10 times as hard And besides, its my life, and I can do what the hell I want with it. Im not going to stay single for the rest of my life just because I have a child!

Original poster
mystical · 11/09/2004 07:45

How old is dd? Glad you have someone else, I was thinking who would want to know me with two children, but I am a nice person and i know i have a lot to offer the right person. Just got to get out there once the baby is born. I think the major issue with my ex p is the loss of face, what is he going to tell everyone about the baby, because he has behaved so awfully, he is having a hard time justifying himself to his family and friends and cant bear people thinking that he is a B***d. People ask me if i have seen him and what is going on and i truthfully say i havent seen him and he has made his choice, they have drawn their own conclusions and it is driving him crazy. I guess i should be scared of him as he has history of violence but do you know what, i am not at all, think i am same as you i'd hit back and worry afterwards, and i am only 5'2" and size 10 b4 pg that is !!!

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tammybear · 11/09/2004 11:54

my dd is 2 in december. grow up so fast. dp is a gem. i was so surprised and amazed that he was willing to accept dd as he is young still and its a lot of responsibility to take on. there are lots of decent men out there who wont run a mile the minute you say you have kids. is your dd looking forward to the new baby? was she close to your exp?

Original poster
mystical · 11/09/2004 20:54

Hi tammybear, sorry took ages to reply, busy all day. Dd is very excited although we know what the baby is (A boy), she would have prefered a sister but she is looking forward to his arrival. She was not close to exp as she has a great relationship with her dad, who is a gem also, shame it didnt work out with him but there you go!! Have been nesting today, ironing, cleaning, writing lists etc, funny how we women are so predictable.!!

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kirstyk · 13/09/2004 13:06

Mystical- read my thread pregnant and single, his name isn't Jason is it, ha ha?? My god he sounds exactly like my exp. I really can sympathise with you as i am in exactly the same situation. I don't have any other children though but i am all on my own as i live in Londond and family live up north. I don't want exp in my baby's life either as he is a cheating, lying, scumbag.I can totally understand why you don't! All he ever did was take my money and tell me lies while getting around as many women as possible. I can totally understand why you don't either!
I wish you all the luck in the world and if you ever need to talk i'm all ears! Take care and look forward to that bundle of joy coming very soon.

Original poster
mystical · 15/09/2004 19:17

hi Kirsty, thanks for your message, no his name is not Jason Haha!! Will go and read your thread now. Thanks again. x

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