Have you considered allowing the father to have your child?

[Wadingthroughshit]

My eldest seems genuinely unhappy being home with his little brother and I, he's 8, and his brother is 4. His brother looks up to him, constantly asks to watch him play or play with him, copies him, looks forward to picking him up from school. They have different father's, both of whom cheated on me. Eldest father has remarried and sees our son every other weekend, and some holiday weeks and pays £40 per week. Never contributes anything else, including trips or childcare costs during holidays.

My eldest is rude to me, says he misses his dad, is constantly rude to his little brother, never lets him in his room, winds him up all the time. He seems genuinely upset about being home. We do so much, visit so many places, he goes to clubs. But still, he prefers being at his dad's playing games and being away from his brother, he told me last night he just gets annoyed around him.

His dad has threatened to take him a few times, mainly when I ask if he will be contributing towards a trip.

It's not that my thought process is "wow this is hard, I think I'll give him back" it's more "it really seems he doesn't want to be here" .

Any advice massively appreciated. I think, I hope, it's just a stage.

No advice but💐

I get that it's hard, but you would have sibling issues even if they had the same dad, and even if the dad lived with you. It's just something that siblings do sometimes. As the parent, you have to teach them how to tolerate each other and be respectful of each other's space. You can't just turf one of them out because they don't get along!

I understand what you're saying and I absolutely agree, but it's really not because he fights with his little brother...he says things like he feels sad in my house, he misses his dad, he doesn't like me, he doesn't like his brother, his dad is so cool. He says sometimes he feels something isn't right in his head.

As I say, I absolutely hope it to be just a stage, my son is hard work but of course I adore him. I moved out of the city so he could go to a great school, I run around here there and everywhere (as we all do), I talk to him about everything, he chose his little brothers name. I think perhaps the issue is more, my little boy seems anxious and unhappy, and I'm running out of ideas as to what is best for him.

How close does his dad live? Do you think he would increase contact? Every other weekend does mean there is a big gap in between - I miss my dad if I don't see him in that long and I'm 33!

The thing is I bet Ex won't be as keen if you actually suggested it...

I tried. I went to a solicitor to try and get them both to enter minute of agreement, neither would, in fact it just caused anger.

It sounds like he's struggling with big feelings and this is how he's expressing it.

My DS is adopted and when he thinks I'm not allowing to do something that Daddy would allow him to do (untrue) he says he wants to be with Daddy, that I'm mean, and has a couple of times said I'm not his mummy (to be strictly accurate, I am one of his mothers, but the other one couldn't look after him). We sat down and had a look at his life story book which has some of the reasons she couldn't, but also has the narrative about how he became our little boy for ever and ever.

He's still telling me I'm mean and have "hairy legs" (little does he know HOW hairy) and still crying for Daddy when I say no to something, but this seems to have calmed down the "you're not my mummy" cries.

Maybe some reassurance that he will always be your little boy, you'll always be his mummy, even some scrapbook pictures of him growing up with you and musings about what you'll be doing together when he's older?

It's a tricky age gap at this stage. 4 year olds can still seem a bit toddler like to some older kids. I'd pick your battles, the younger one doesn't need to go in your 8 year olds room for example. How is the 8 year old doing at school?

He said he wouldn't take him.an extra weekend but as I'm not coping he'd have him permanently

Do you have younger siblings? I do and they are sometimes annoying. I would hazard a guess that you don't because you see the younger child copying and wanting to enter his brother's room as a good thing but as an older sibling I hated it and can totally understand why your older son would too. While it's lovely that Son 2 adores Son 1, sometimes it can be claustrophobic for the older one. It's like when a baby or toddler adores you and wants to climb all over you all day. You love them too but want a little space.

Do the 2 boys have the same rules? He might feel better if he got perks for being older eg Do they have the same bedtime? Maybe the 8 year old can go slightly later as he's the big brother?

I suspect it's common to miss the parent that you're not with and if he lived with his Dad, he'd miss you too. I know his Dad is a dick but it's not surprising that he enjoys the break from his brother.

You say your eldest doesn't let your youngest in his room - tbh he shouldn't have to.

I was madeto feel responsible for my younger sibling's happiness and entertainment as an eldest child - my parents seemed vexed that they had to deal with any boredom or unhappiness from their dc2 because I should be being "kind", "understanding", "making allowances" and playing with her because she loved me - even when she was demonstrating her love by calling me fat, jumping on me from the back of the sofa when I tried to read, sitting in my bedroom doorway to prevent me having any privacy, and crying to my parents about my meanness if I didn't do exactly what she wanted. She ramped it all right up when I had a friend over, and my parents always just saw the little one upset and told me off for not being kind and including her in absolutely everything. Obviously this meant my friends and I preferred their houses, and I asked to go to boarding school quite often (and actually did once I was 11)

I'm not saying you consciously or deliberately favour the little one - I'm sure you feel you treat them equally and do in many ways. Do you expect the oldest to be responsible for the happiness of the youngest though?

Do you tell him he's unkind or berate him for making the little one sad?

I wonder because your first post is framed in the context of the 4 year old, and your 8 year old says he thinks there's something wrong in his head... I wonder if he's internalised the idea he should adore his brother and want to play with him and include him in everything and therefore is somehow faulty for finding him mostly annoying and infuriating and wanting space from him.

I know that's how it was for me. I felt there was something wrong with me. My parents treated us equally in terms of money etc but made me responsible emotionally for my sibling and constantly reminded me that as the oldest I should be kind, make allowances, not be upset when they broke my things, be understanding of their lack of understanding, turn the other cheek etc. It wasn't deliberate but it was a relentless burden of expectation.

Neither of my parents had younger siblings and my father is an only, mother expressed her opinion regularly that her older brother should have been made to include her with his friends and hobbies and seemed determined to rectify that through me!

In turn I made sure that my children know they have the right to close their doors, and no emotional or entertainment responsibility towards their siblings.

Can you encourage ds to keep a diary of what he has been up to to show his df?
Can you encourage a shared hobby /activity to do with his younger sibling? At 4 +8 wall climbing at a leisure centre is great!! My ds 10+ds 4 have a great bond (different df's too though oldest has never known his and calls dh df). Make them spending time together fun but normal. Film nights, lots of popcorn!
I had similar with a teen ds who's df handed out cash and tech I could not afford. At 12 ee wemt nc die oo lack of df's parenting. Do not assume your parenting isn't as vital to your ds as what his df hands out to him.
I have been you op. Its rough.

Eldest and I in the cinema, I've kept his youngest in nursery so we can have time together (I work so pay for private one anyway). I will reply properly at home. Thank you so much for replying, it's really good for me to look at things from a different perspective, like just not allowing youngest in eldest room.

Hope you had a great time. Well done for being open minded and not taking the advice on this thread as an attack. You clearly love both boys and want them both to be happy.

Thank you everyone, I have read everything being suggested. I am also now aware that yes, I do expect my eldest to be accomodating of his little brother, and yes, I do get annoyed when he is annoyed by the youngest. Great advice and I will definitely keep on eye out if I see myself doing it again. Shared hobby also a great idea and we don't have that currently. Youngest has forest art school, eldest plays football. The climbing is a great idea as neither of them have done that, whereas things like swimming, eldest is off, youngest plods about in his arm bands. We do have a local climbing wall come to think of it, so I will look in to that.
Eldest is good at school, no behavioural problems, he struggles with his confidence at reading, but it is improving and he loves maths.
Big feelings, what sort of big feelings might he be feeling? Because he misses his dad?

Hi everyone, thank you so so much for posting and helping me see things in a different light. My eldest has really enjoyed his week off with me & his brother, we have cinemaed twice, visited museums, soft play and coffee, and I feel a lot better about things, he's still a bit of a nightmare at times, but he's eight! And I think he has low self esteem, for example, we met my friend and her son, they're the same age and have known each other for years...and when they first get together my son makes a lot of noise and shows off, which calms down towards the end, so I think he's maybe a bit insecure.
I just wanted to say thank you for taking time to help. And above poster, yes, I think his dad partly fuels things as he plays games, or takes any opportunity he can to put me down.

Great news OP.