Shift patterns, how to come to an agreement

[peanuts1982]

My husband has just left me...

We split up 18 months ago after 17 years together, nobody else was involved, we realized after buying houses and separating our lives that it wasn't what we wanted and we still loved one another.
We got back together last September, just dating and taking it really easy, for us and our daughter. That was up until he broke his leg and he temporarily moved in with me over the last two months, I dedicated my time to looking after him, affecting my uni work and other commitments but I was really happy to do that. Then this week he has left me for somebody else out of nowhere! Somebody he met when he was single, that reached out to him thinking he was still single, I can't get my head around it, he wont give me any answers as to how the feelings for this girl have developed when we were trying to rebuild and i feel i deserve those answers out of respect, I want to be able to process and move on instead of trying to second guess, but he wont give me that! It REALLY hurts, but I'm devastated for our 12-year-old daughter. He knew the HUGE commitment he was making in September to her emotions and i cannot believe he could do that :( I want to create some stability for her now as shes so confused. One of her big concerns is when she will see dad, and apart from once a month, i just don't know! But my ex works nightmare shifts, he knows what he is working at 1pm the day before his shift, this is every day including weekends. The only dedicated time off that he can book is holiday or two days once a month. Its not an option to talk to work, they do not accommodate and have been that way since I met him. Now he bought a three bedroom house with a garden, so his argument is he needs his job to pay for it, as far as I'm concerned he could live in a flat mortgage free and change his job to put his daughters needs first, but it's not an option for him which I don't understand. Can i do anything about this situation to provide some stability for my daughter? what would be the outcome if i took him to court to apply for some kind of structured routine but knowing his job will not accommodate that? Is it literally tuff luck for my dd and he continue in limbo, hanging off him? At the moment it's just once a month and whenever he happens to rings and tells me he's off so he wants her? Obviously now he has to accommodate this new lady in his life, so that leads to even less stability as i feel he won't be honest about his shifts. Would it be reasonable to ask him to forward his shift email for the next day to me? I don't trust him not to lie.

Important to add I have no family support at all as my family live miles away, both his parents have died and he also has no support. So family help with stability for either of us or dd is not an option, we have to work it out between us

I would let him know that you won't allow last minute access, you could for example say every Sunday is dad's day, but if he is working he needs to find care for her. Once he realises that he is going to miss out on seeing his daughter he might change his work schedule. I don't think you could take him to court to change jobs, and I doubt that court would expect you to give him last minute access. I think you need to let him work it out for himself, that he can't parent like that.

He’s a grown adult as are you, you can’t check up on him. Your daughter is the most important person here. Agree a schedule, if he messes up then it’s his loss. If he won’t agree to a schedule then it’s up to him to take you to court, and he won’t find much joy in an irregular contact arrangement

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It was very wrong of him to come back to dating you in September. You won't get any answers I'm afraid. He is just a selfish arse. My ex did the same left but kept coming back confusing the children and me. And giving me false hope. He was just using me until ow was all lined up.

As for contact that is for him to arrange and commit too. I know how up setting it is for your dd. And for you. But you just have to be honest with her. And say dads working. You will be providing her with the love. Security and stability she needs. And if he sees her once a month. So be it. It isn't good enough but that is his decision.

I hope you both have some support around you with friends. I would ask school for some Elsa support for your dd so that she has someone to talk too. She will be hurt and upset and worrying about you.

Thanks, that's what I thought :( I tried to talk to him about it and its a brick wall. He has suggested to give me two 'If I'm off' days a week, but it's very unlikely he will be off so really it means nothing for stability. I asked to change one 'if' day every fortnight to a 'definite' in addition to the weekend one a month that he gets already, then I'm happy to keep the 'ifs' how they are. It's a brick wall :(
I find it hard that he can't talk to his job at all, he's been there 20 years and he's only asking for one extra day a month, it doesn't even have to be a day off just a shift that will work around our dd. I'm really struggling to cope with my emotions, he keeps telling me to meet someone else, completely missing the point that we have a DD we have mucked around enough! Last thing on my mind! I never know where i am with his job and have no money for childcare. But thats not the point, the point is our poor dd, not knowing whats going on :(

Is he an agency or casual worker? It's very odd to have such unpredictable shift patterns otherwise. Could he try and get a permanent job? Would he even be willing to consider this?

@peanuts1982

You are grieving. And it is ok to be struggling. I know we should not put our emotions on our children. But I felt it was ok to say I'm sad. I miss your dad. This situation is sad for all of us.

You can not control him. You just have to be the best parent you can be. He has to stand by his decisions as your daughter gets older. My eldest has gone nc now and refuses anything to do with his dad. This is not my doing. I have tried hard to encourage him to see positives but he just can't. He is very hurt by being repeatedly let down by his dad.

Have you sorted child support. I know it is hard but I would go through cms. Then it is in their hands. Not yours.

As for moving on. I was told this too. Like he had done me a great favour for leaving me. I could go and be happy with someone new 🙄. It is to easy their guilt. So they can look back and say see look I did the right thing. They checked out long ago. You have some catching up to do emotionally there is no rush.

Thank you for your messages, just typing is helping me make sense of my thoughts. He works at the docks, very old company and dependent on when the ships are in. They have always worked like this and the union have looked into it several times over the years. I do 'get' it. But I fail to believe that a company he has worked at for one 20 years cannot give him a shift that works around my dd, once every fortnight. I think mediation would be a good idea to get a third person there, he thinks my requests are unreasonable and I don't understand where he's coming from. I don't think its a lot to ask. He's saying things to me like "Why can't you just leave her at mine if I'm not there, she's 12 for god sake, your over mothering her!" She has ASD and anxiety issues and sometimes he works nights, i directed him to the NSPCC advice on leaving children and he thought it was all ridiculous and I'm overreacting.

Peanuts this is so hard for you and you are hurting for your DD too.

I'm afraid you cannot control what your ex does and it will drive you mad to try. Unfortunately you will have to change your mindset to one where you are only responsible for your own actions and not his.

Be the best mum you can be for your child and let him make his arrangements- if those arrangements don't work and you can see that they are not in the best interest of your DD then step in.

I had a horrendous time when my ex moved hundreds of miles away and wouldn't see our DD for months, wouldn't even call her on the phone. I begged him to see her even just once a month and racked my brain to think of ways to make him step up, but he was a stony faced monster. In the end I realised these were his actions not mine. If DD mentioned it I would say "I can't tell you what he's thinking or why he's doing this but I can tell you that I love you more than anything and will always be here for you".

Obviously it's taken a toll on her but I know that I do my best.

Your love for your DD shines out of your post and she will be fine if she has you.