How to tell children you are separated and what is reasonable with access

[Lambo24]

Hi
Husband walked out on us last week, he had been seeing someone else but wanted out the marriage anyway.

My questions are how do you tell children as young as 3 and 4 what has happened? Do we just say he is not living with us anymore but still loves them etc?

Also what is reasonable with regards to access? He wants to come and stay for the weekend with them and I go away but I think that's confusing? And my little girls wake at night for me. Help! X

First off what do you want?
What does he want?

Secondly what would be good for the dc?

And thirdly what is realistic for the next year?

You can't leave your house all the time, where are you expect to go?
If your ok with it How long for? Make a plan 6 months a year? And make sure you both can stick to it after that you can work out if it's working or not. Too many people forget that change happens, emotionally, financially and physically and base a plan on to much, when the dc go to school, new relationships, jobs.

Also, it could be good if you are going to your mums or something, have some down time, deal with the break up without the dc, plus your know the dc are happy and safe.

I actually did this at the very beginning with my ex as one dc was only 8 months, I left him to take care and went out. At first it was good, I was sick of being in the house and it gave me a reason to leave but after time he decided he didn't like the arrangement, and he attitude became very negative giving me a reason to agree to change the plan. He went from clean up after him self and playing and cooking for the dc, to doing sweet af.

It all depends on what's realistic for your dc and you both.
Don't try and over explain to the dc, pick a short response and they will ask you again and again over time. They don't take in information like we do.

We split when dd was two so a little easier but we just said she now had two homes. There's a lovely book called Two Homes by Claire Masurel which she still loves (now 5). We have a slightly strange arrangement as we are still good friends so spend a lot of weekend time together. I don't think she has a sense of us being separated and what that entails, she just knows that she has mummy's home and daddy's home and she's at mummy's during the week and daddy's at the weekend. As she gets older I'm sure she'll ask more questions.

I think in terms of what is reasonable , where is he going to live hours he works . Will he have space .

There are so many variables. What does he actually want?

Thanks all. He says he want to take them over to his mums overnight but I am not comfortable. They have been so clingy to me since he left- and his mum is awful. Very different parenting style. I am so concerned them being there without me. It feels wrong being so soon.
He is just being horrible. Trying to deny the affair even though he knows I have screenshots

I have done a bit of reading on this as similar situation (though mostly my DH is being somewhat decent re the DC)

Some research says it is apparently helpful for the kids to stay in their home environment and 'visit' away from home - ie they should have ONE main base if possible. Overnights are fine - UNLESS you really fear for them with your MIL? What specifically does she do you mind about? Kids are used to different adults treating them differently.

It might confuse them though if they were in their/your main home, but you weren't there overnight? I wouldn't do that very often. once should be fine though

My DS3 clings to me when he's going, but i believe he's fine 10 mins later and has a good time with his dad. Its easier i suspect at this age than when they are a bit older. You can at least 'love bomb' them with nice food, treats at this age to make them comfortable (pack a surprise new toy for each in their overnight bag to keep them happy?)

SOrry not that helfpul but good luck x

I wouldn’t make any concrete plans yet. Take some time to take it all in and think about it. You don’t want to get locked into things yet before you have had time to really work out what is best.

Custody and visitation can be so individual. My ex and I split when our DT’s were 2. They don’t have overnights with him, but see him nearly every day. We often do stuff as a family together on weekends too. They were very clingy after the breakup too and it took a long time to build up to where they were happy to visit their dad without me with them. Now they are very happy having alone time with him.

Perhaps suggest to your ex that he sees your kids often at the moment and leave overnights until he gets his own place sorted, since you are worried about his mother. I don’t think it’s practical long term for you to leave your place every weekend while he stays there. It could be confusing to the kids as well as not being practical for you.

The main advice I have is trying to think of things in terms of what is best for your kids. It can be hard when there is lots of other issues and hurt feelings, but it’s important to be focused on that. And it can help to frame conversations that way with your ex.