can you still be friends???

[karenanne]

hi my partner and i split up last friday not by my choice i might add .he decided that he wanted more freedom to play footie golf etc and spend more time with his friends.it seems me and the children 4 and 9mths got in the way of this and wed been having a few minor rows for a few months.the kids and i are back living with my parents for now .
we've been able to sit and chat amicably about the kids etc and have decided that we wish to remain friends and im happy for him to see the children as much as he can before it gets too confusing for them iykwim.currently its set at one evening a week and from next week from friday evening till saturday evening.we hope that we will be able to go out regularly as a 'family unit' (alltogether) and spend birthdays and xmas etc together as much as possible.
can this work ????im thinking to when he gets a new partner (he'll get one before i will) how will it pan out then ?will it confuse the kids ,i dont want every visit to be like this but once in a while would be ok?
to be honest i think i need any advice more experienced single parents are willing to give.the futures looking very blurry and i ned some clarity.
thanks in advance

Hi Karenanne. Sorry your h is being an arse. More footie and golf ffs! Poor you. Do you still love him and want to be with him? Will he go for counselling?

Still, you asked if exes could be friends and ime the answer's yes. I'm good friends with my ex husband and he has our ds every other weekend and quite often in the school holidays. Ds is 7 and we split up when he was 2. I've been with dp for about 4 years and we have a 9 mo dd together. Dp and ex dh are also on good terms and I'm still close to my ex in laws and extended family, so yes, it can work but it's very early days for you guys. I have to say it wasn't so amicable at the beginning when I first left dh but I'm very glad it's so friendly now. Also, ex dh and I were friends before having a relationship and so in some ways it's been easier because we've just gone back to that.

me and my exp arent friends although i did want us to be for the sake of dd. we are sort of getting on better terms now, as i think exp has realised that me and my dp are serious and that he is around a lot, so he is worried that he will take over as the father figure and so is trying to make an effort. Im hoping my circumstances wont confuse dd when shes older, but hopefully she will understand just as long as exp doesnt start putting thoughts in her head.

welcome to mumsnet btw, you can always come here for advice xxx

what are your feelings for him? is their any room for discussion about the break up?
my dh and i split up four months ago, because of something he did, not through my choice, but strangely we are still very friendly, have taken th kids for days out together. some people have found this strange that i am not killing him, but its whatever works for you and your children. if you feel you can, then its worth trying to be friends for everyone's sake. maybe some time apart may help you find a way to live together again. do you think he would try relate?

Hi karenanne, me and exh split about 2 months ago (not my choice)because of something he did, and its early days yet but i think we will remain friends i hope so its so much easier on the kids 3yrs and 4mths we spend time as a family still, he is here every other evening and at weekends
he enjoys his time here with the kids and i know the kids enjoy him being here i think my family also think it quite strange when really people think i should be trying to kill him after all the hurt he has caused me. hbs and partners can be arses sometimes putting their own selfish desires before there families but it wont bring them happiness long term. i think its good for kids to see you still friends it sets a good exammple although some times
very hard!
keep your chin up xxx

hi - we started out as friends when we split up (about 2 years ago) but are now anything but, unfortunately. I hope you fare better - good luck!

Karenanne, I fail to see why a man who thinks that playing footie and golf is more important than living with his children should want to spend Christmas and birthdays with them. Surely he could play golf and football on those days?

TBH, I don't see how it could possibly work. It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it - have all the nice, fun stuff with his kids - Christmas, birthdays, nice outings - without any of the crap stuff - endless bickering, getting them to bed on time, getting up five times in the night when they're ill, not having sexual access to other women because he's a father.... in short, he wants to present the facade of a caring father to the admiring world, without actually doing any of the caring.

In time, that might start to gall you. Call me twisted and bitter, but it certainly would me.

There is also the other issue - if you seem so close to your ex, no other honest man will touch you with a barge pole, because they won't be sure if you are really free. Lots of creeps will have no scruples, which is fine if you don't mind dallying with lots of creeps, but not so good if you've set your sights any higher.

I think you need to have as businesslike and civilised a relationship with an ex as it is possible to have. If he is actually as socially and emotionally functional as to want to maintain a proper relationship with his children, then firstly, two big cheers to him, and secondly, you need to make sure it is on terms acceptable to both of you; ie: you present a united front to them, you don't undermine each other's disciplinary code, they understand that they can't play you off against each other. But the family days out send out false messages to the outside world and to the children themselves. Don't forget that most children of separate parents spend their whole childhood believing and hoping that their parents will get back together. It's a act of cruelty to encourage that hope, unless both of you at the back of your minds have a secret belief that it might just be a possibility... is it?

thanks for the replies im glad some of you have remained friends but do notice that these are mums that have split quite recently.
meanbean i know exactly what your saying and if im honest totally agree with MOST of your points but although this split wasnt mine or my kids choice he is a good father.the problems we had was because i never got a break and i suppose i resented the time he spent away .he has always been like this but i hoped once we had children it would decline abit and hed want to spend time with the kids and me instead of playing sport,sadly it wasnt the case.but as i say when he is there you cannot fault him as a father but as you say now he just gets the good bits not the bad.
i am hoping this works xmas etc will be very complicated but at the moment i just want my kids as settled and well adjusted as i can luckily my son doesnt really know much about it but my dd is very close to her dad and i'll do whatever it takes to make it easier for her.
as for future partners for me...that will be a long time off if ever again...i just hope there are some decent men out there that arent put off by a single mum with two kids.lol
also i think this is the best way ,exp had this exact sme experience when he was a child of 4 and hasnt seen his dad since ,its bothered him all his life so hopefully will make him think twice before mucking his own kids about.

KarenAnne,

My experience of this is : we split up when DS was 10 days old and I was gutted, hadn't seen it coming.

We have huge rows about lots of things to do with the kids, like him feeding them crisps before tea etc. But in the main we get along OK,(although this has taken atleast 2 years).

Xmas is mine, regardless of what he thinks. I do all the hard slog of the day to day raising of the kids, and I am b***D if he them reaps all the rewards!

He gets Bdays if they fall on his access days, and the rest of the time he has them 2 weeks summer 1 week autumn and 1 week spring. And every secoond weekend.

I think that my main problem with him is he expects that I still have a life - yeah right - and I get annoyed that he has one. Case in point DS is really poorly, and has been for 2 weeks, so I have had massives of time off of work, he phoned last night to ask how hw was doing, From the PUB! Now I know that this sounds stupid, but it really got up my nose - he's out having a good time and I am dealing with a sick child.

Sorry that turned into a rant, I hope some of it was on topic.