Ex wants 6yo son to choose where he luves

[Beeans]

Hi, this is my first post on here, so bear with me! Here’s the story:

Me and my son’s father separated when ds was only 18months old. We had very separate lives, both having committed relationships elsewhere - he has a daughter now, I got engaged. We had an arrangement whereby he saw ds every other weekend and we were flexible during holidays.

My engagement broke down and his relationship did too, and we ended up trying to work things out. Ds is now 6, his daughter 2.5. We moved in and nearly 7 months have passed and we’ve come to the conclusion it’s not working out.

It’s relatively civil at this point but he believes our son should choose who he lives with so he feels involved and in control of his own choices. Ds has always been resident with me and I believe this should still be his home, with visits to his dad however frequently he wants, really.

However, the problem we’re faced with is that ds sister will be living with their dad and he will want to live there and not miss out on any of the fun.

Do I let him live there if he wants? My heart would break, I don’t think I could bear it - but if he’s happier, shouldn’t I let him go? Otherwise he may just brew resentment towards me for keeping him away.

Please, please, I’m desperate to hear some opinions. Tia x

Why aren’t you 50:50 then if that’s what both parents want?

relatively civil at this point but he believes our son should choose who he lives with so he feels involved and in control of his own choices.

Making life altering decisions at 6 doesnt let them feel in control. It will make them feel terrified and out of control that the adults around them can't sort their shit out.

Whoever is best placed to watch him 24/7 should have custody. That this was you for the first 6 years leads me to think that would be the obvious best answer.

Tell your ex it isn't happening and the most he can get is 50/50 and if he doesn't like that tell him to take you to court.

At 6 your child is not mature enough to decide which parent he lives with and it would be very unfair to make him choose one parent over the other.

How much time does DSD spend with her mother?

Yes, STBXP will want to have his DC together, and you need to negotiate for his this fits with his DD's residency pattern.

But you most emphatically do not make a 6 yo responsible for as far-reaching a choice as this. They are simply not mature enough.

That STBXP seems to think otherwise leads me to think that he is rather lacking in both common sense and parenting skills. I think DS should remain principally with you, but on something close to 50/50 if that can be made to work.

Pease don't put that decision on him even if he asks. It will screw him up totally.
50/50 at the most.

I can see why he is an ex.
At 12 my ds decided for himsel to live ft with me. .
6 is far far too young.
Seek legal advice.

Children should not make adult decisions. The courts would never allow that.

Tell him no chance.

He's much much too young to have to make this decision. Please don't put this on his shoulders. He lives with you and you sort out other arrangements YOURSELF.

This is what I’ve been saying to him - ds is still so incredibly young, and won’t fully comprehend what it is that he’s deciding. We as adults should be laying the foundations of what is to come, and listening to him in an open conversation about how everyone is feeling as it goes on. By laying that out for ds, he doesn’t have to ‘choose’ either of us. That’s what I would say is best for now. I’m not a monster, I want what’s best for everyone. My gut is not telling me that ds living with his dad is the right thing, but I’m worried that a rift will open between me and ds. If he really wants to give it a go down the line, should I let him? His father is a good dad, we’re just not good together.

Maybe I’m overly worrying about it as I’ve suggested 50/50, but ex is just pushing that our son might not want that. So if I continue to say ‘well he’s six so he’ll have to go along with it for a little while and see how things work’ I sound like the terrible one for only wanting to keep him with me and not take ds’ opinions in to account. Maybe he would be better off together with his sister? It’s guilt that that family is breaking up yet again I think, and this time ds will remember it.

@auntiestella his dad has fully custody of dd, her mother isn’t currently wanting contact.

Now I’ve written it all out, and now you’ve all replied (thank you!) it’s a lot less of a worry. Amazing how actually thinking things through in writing makes you see it in black and white. 💚