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Husband has left, what to do?

3 replies

Lambo24 · 23/03/2019 22:22

Hi, first post here. My husband of 16 years has left me this week. Our marriage has been bad for months but I also found out he has been having an affairSad
Just wondered what to do now. How do you work out money? Am I entitled to any extra government support now? What access rights do I have to agree to? I feel totally at sea and don't know where to start. Any advice would be welcome

OP posts:
PulyaSochsup · 24/03/2019 02:01

Be extra kind to yourself tomorrow and start looking at gov. uk websites. Find a local solicitor who is well recommended and who specialises in family law, you usually get a half hour consultation for free and if you're claiming benefits you might be entitled to legal aid.

Dig out all your paperwork, passport, driving licence and birth/marriage certificates. Also take your tenancy agreement and mortgage documents as they may be useful if you can get some help with your housing costs. Start the process of claiming as quickly as you can. It can take a while for payments to start.

Be nice to yourself and remember that one day this will pass. You can do this and he doesn't deserve you. Get angry, it's normal and it will help you cope and strengthen you. Take good care FlowersCakeBrew

Graphista · 24/03/2019 03:39

Legal aid is now only available where there's proven dv or child abduction.

Not all solicitors are equally good so get recommendations from friends who've been through a divorce either their lawyer or their ex's if they were good.

Some may offer a free half hour but it's by no means definite and to be honest it's not necessarily the better ones that do, but the ones struggling to get clients.

Gather all legal and financial paperwork (including evidence of all his income) and keep safe.

Does he still have access to the house? If so you need to consider if you can legally prevent access and if not any sensitive items need to be secured elsewhere (not just paperwork but valuables and sentimental items also)

Do you have joint bank accounts? If so is your money still going into them?

I'd recommend opening a new account in a completely different banking group. Get any income you get paid into your account ASAP.

Cancel any dds/standing orders for items that were just for his use while at home ASAP eg sports tv packages.

Move bills that need to be paid to run the home to your account too so you know they'll be paid - while he's feeling guilty and remorseful he may agree to pay these but that often quickly wears off and the next thing you know your phones cut off!

Look on the various benefit eligibility calculators tomorrow to get an idea of what you might be able to claim

https://www.turn2us.org.uk

https://www.entitledto.co.uk

But bear in mind that the results are only a guide.

You could also post on moneysavingexpert.com

Monday, if you think you would be eligible contact the relevant agencies to start your claims as they're only backdated to date of first claim NOT when he moved out.

This also applies to child maintenance, again while guilty/remorseful he may promise all sorts but when that wears off you could face problems and the sooner you contacted them the better, even contacting them doesn't mean you can't have a private arrangement if that works for you but they're slow so if you are going to need them best to get the ball rolling.

If money is going to be right look at your current budget and see where you can make savings.

Sorry about this one but...you also really should get a full sti screening. Not pleasant but necessary, even if you've been using condoms.

DO NOT tell him anything you don't absolutely have to, he is not your friend or ally any more.

Contact, courts are moving more towards 50/50 but it depends on many factors, children's age, whether you both work and what hours, what accommodation is available for the children, if they're in school etc

It IS a lot to take in but you WILL manage you'll get through this.

Sorry for the shock you've had and good luck Thanks

OhamIreally · 27/03/2019 09:12

Great advice as always from Graphista.
if you can't prevent him accessing the home I would recommend having a lock put on your bedroom door. It cost me about £130.

Then you can keep your documents and valuables in there and go out knowing that he isn't coming in and rifling through your things.

Don't agree to anything regarding finances or child access yet. You need time to process this.

When the time comes to discuss finances do not consider his needs at all, consider only those of yourself and your children. He will not be considering yours.

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