Help me respond in healthy way to extremes of court and life with an abusive co parent

[hoodeeharhar]

Well. I've just about had it all chucked at me.
Name changed as stalking was just one of the things ex did.

Abusive narcissistic ex who sexually, emotionally financially abused me- check

Police investigate of rape - check

Long family court cases brought by him after I went grey rock to punish me x2 -check

Worries about contact harming my dc-check

Loaded Self employed ex , minimal maintenance - check

Ex partner of his also reported him -check
And now

Unexpected legal fees that I'm finding really scary- check

Just when I thought we could look forward with optimism. Massive debt to add to that pile 'o poo.

I can do this. I've fought this far. Give me positive vibes and things that have worked for you in times of strife.
'It's not the end of the world'. ' I won't feel like this next week, month, year'
Sort of thing.

This Too Will Pass.

You are (relatively) free of him, your kids will grow up and you won't have to be in contact with him any more.

You can do this, but for doing what you have so far

Also not being a miserable cow to my dc

Yes yes purple, I have achieved this unimaginable feat of not only separating but also the mind games, ludicrous lies and performances and smear campaigns that used to mortally injure me I can ignore/ laugh at / observe objectively

I used to really care what people thought of me, but having been viciously smeared it was a baptism of fire.

He has no power in my domain.

I can be the mother the dc needs, regardless of the shit.

Even if we live in a tent and I have to scrape toilet crud for a living, I win because I am healthy inside, capable of happiness and generating my own validation.

Breath and take it one step at a time, pick one problem and deal with that, don't try to juggle too many at once.

it's pretty normal to react like this when your facing these kind of stresses.

I know, I am, I'm in a similar boat, skint and pretending like I'm holding it together. DC blabbed something to ex which will be used against me, it's s trivial inconsequential thing that will be own out of proportion. I explained how angry I was feeling about it, when I explicitly said don't say anything and that I'm in a bad place because I can't pay bills this month. Then two hours later DC asks for £50 hand out and I ended up ranting - like money grows on trees.

Now this is the positive stuff not all days are like this, there are good days, easy days and happy days. In time the dificulty will come to an end.

If you can, find someone to talk to - I guess like me your pretty much alone with no-one to talk this through with just to get a sense of perspective. Maybe even some CBT or talk therapy from the NHS, to help you manage the stress.

My ex has started to threaten court all over again just as I've paid my last lot of bills off (at the expense of my electricity bill). So back to the lawyers it is, so more bills to pay.

I know how tiring it all is for you and how you feel. Try to find ways to stay healthy, try to find a bit if emotional support. Find ways to get a good night's sleep.

I spend my days feeling like a burden to those I encounter as I have only one topic of conversation which is what I'm going though. All this just adds to it all as I feel I suck the life out if those I encounter like some kind of emotional vampire.

But I know I'm not, because with all this going on, life is so much better without my ex here.

And your is better too

It absolutely does get better. I'm quite a few years down the line, and now exH takes up less and less space in my head and my life.

There's a lot to be said for living well as the best revenge!

When he's annoying you, play mental bingo with the things he'll do and say - such people tend to be amusingly predictable.

I also ended up with large legal fees, but the solicitor's firm let me pay in instalments, interest-free. Took me ages, but if it's set up as a standing order each month, you don't have to think about it every time a payment goes out.

With regard to fears over contact, they are probably the hardest thing to deal with, but take the long view. Either he'll be so awful that'll you'll eventually be able to get contact reduced, or mediumly awful and the dcs will eventually vote with their feet, or not entirely awful, in which case you might over time be able to enjoy the break. Mine did was all of the above at various times.

Think about how this has made you a better person - I don't get easily wound up, I always have plan A, B and C, I don't get invested in drama, I have confidence in my ability to find a way and to endure when I have to. Roses grown out of shit....

Thanks Difficult and Biblio.

I am so much more resilient than I used to be. I try to see the lesson in each challenge.

And it's been pretty full on, I've forgotten about normal things, like hobbies and meeting up with friends and simple pleasures.

I feel like I've been burned as a witch and am still here. I look at my mother's peers, those that were in the same situation just one generation ago, how they were labelled as mad and 'too much' because they didn't have access to counselling, legal advice, and society's shift in perspective. I owe it to them to flourish and kick ass.

I love your attitude, hoodee, and I'm sure you will flourish and kick ass! Your dc are lucky to have you.

My ex is an abusive toxic refuser to co-parent. eg he has told the teenage they cannot speak to me or text me on HIS contact weekend. Yeah mate - best of luck with that! If I am asked I simply say yeah that's fine. My DC now see the difference in parenting. So I keep the moral high ground. I parent as best as I can for my DC age.

But inside I am sad and so angry that this vile man thinks this is OK. How dare he? He, despite all protestations to the court and his family, has never put these DC first. It is disgraceful.