Do I tell the kids father I have cancer?

[nannytothequeen]

I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I'll need some help with my kids whilst I am in hospital. It is obvious that their dad should step up but he won't even answer my calls. I don't want to say I have cancer in a text. I have asked him to return my calls but he is refusing and said that he is not interested in anything I have to tell him. . I have just told him to forget it. I shouldn't have to plead with him to tell him this difficult news. However my kids know and I fear they will need support when he has access. Btw he left me for another woman.

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I'd send him, of get somebody to send him, a letter.

Unless you expect him to step up and give you / the kids some care.....I wouldn't tell him. In a similar situation I told my parents and my sister, since I knew that if I didn't make it, they would step up and care for the children. My ex is useless and he wouldn't have done anything for me or the kids - so no I didn't tell him anything. He found out later but not from me.

He sounds like a prize twat and you shouldn't have to deal with his twattery on top of the diagnosis.

However, I think you're right that your kids will need his support so I would tell him for their sake. If he won't answer his phone then a short text/letter/email.

"I realise that you don't want any social contact from me. However, I think it's important you know that I am going into hospital to be treated for lung cancer. DC know and are quite upset. I didn't want them to have the added pressure of telling you themselves"

I hope everything goes well with your treatment

I think you probably do need to tell him by text. He sounds like an arse but since you’re not no contact, he needs to know fur your children’s sake. I like mistletoe’s text

Sorry this is happening to you

I’m very sorry to hear about the cancer...and that your Ex is a fuckwit.

If it was me I’d send him a text along the lines of ‘I don’t care what you want, this is important re the children. Stop pissing about & call me today’

If he doesn’t. Send him another one tomorrow.

‘OK. You want to do this by text. Fine. I have cancer. OUR children are going to need support and someone to looknafter them while I’m in hospital etc. I need to know if you going step up & behave like a decent Dad or if I need to find alternative care for them’.

How are you? The early days of finding out the diagnosis and waiting for a treatment plan really are some of the most stressful times. I hope you have support from other sources - if no family/friends nearby, see if there is s local cancer support centre. Do you have a treatment plan?

How old are the DC, and have you told them yet?

I would definitely wait until you have told the DC as their father does not seem likely to help.

Sorry, brain in neutral - just looked back at opening post and realise I’d not been paying enough attention to the last bit, and that you have told your DC.

I’d get a third party to tell him - are you still in touch with any reliable siblings/parents of his? Or a trustworthy mutual friend?

Or go with the two stage text approach above. He has to be told before he next sees DC.

I agree with birdie. In my situation, exH found out and did precisely nothing.

Even if he doesn’t do anything, at least you’re not thinking about how to tell him.

Thanks for the supportive messages. Obviously my head is all over. I have had a shit few years with his affair, divorce, having to move to another town because I couldn't live in proximity to him and his sidekick, my mum dying suddenly, last year I was very sick with pneumonia and now this. I am trying to be positive - it has been caught early because it was noticed in the chest X-rays I had monitoring the pneumonia.

I called him and he didn't pick up. He never does because his delicate sensibilities cant handle me talking to him in a 'nasty' tone. I sent a text asking him to pick up or call me. He basically refused. So i left a voice mail message saying it was important. Nothing. I sent another ext saying it was important. Nothing. My daughter then asked me when I was going to tell Dad. So I have sent a text. I think that its awful being put in the position where I have to relay this news by text. The selfish arse. There has been no response so I don't know if he is going to step up.

Still nothing. I guess that's my answer.

Do you have any family / friends who might be able to help with childcare in the coming months ? How old are the kids.

No family. All dead. Friends who will help me. Don't want to burden anyone though. Kids are 12 year old twins. I got a response this morning. Apparently this is a consequence of me having a go at him.

I think youre gonna have to ask your friends to help. I wouldnt rely on him.

I cannot fathom any response someone could send to the mother of their children in this situation that could be anything other than at least minimally compassionate.

Once again, proven wrong. Ugh. My god there are some arseholes out there. You aren't a burden OP and there's loads of us happy to be your cheerleaders on here.

You and your kids sound lovely and they seem to be dealing with this in a very grown up way and I worry this may help their dad kid himself they are ok at times they may really need his support.

I hope their dad realises that it doesn't matter how grown up children seem they are still his kids and that he checks in with them about this situation so they can ask for help if they need it.

After years growing up in the warfare that was my parents relationship (different situation I know but could help), one of my mum's friends gave me a piece of paper with her phone number on.

Back in my NOKIA 3310 days... and she said that she knew I tried to be grown up but if I ever needed to chat, ask for help, speak to my dad about something that I was scared to ask him, tell my mum for me that I'm sorry for being moody I'm just worried about her, ask questions, ANYTHING then she was on the other end. To text, call, come meet me in a safe place.

It's one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. Maybe another adult in your kids lives could be their safe place in case they are sad or if they are worried about upsetting you too as they sound lovely.

Wishing all of you the best