Ex and awful parenting

[Worker29]

My exh has our 3 children 50/50.
My eldest (13 girl) is not happy. Anxious about going on swap day, worried about his reactions to her.
She is telling me things that I think are awful. She has no proper room for herself,seems to be treading in eggshells around her Dad.
He has a new child.
When any of mine are ill ( colds/coughing/childhood stuff) they are confined in their rooms.
They are not allowed to talk about me. There are no photos of them on the walls.
My eldest has 2 phones. One I supplied and am happy for her to use whenever. He has given her a basic (non smart phone) and she is not allowed my number in it.
No items are allowed to be brought between houses. Books,clothes,toys. Nothing. Because we had fleas 2 years ago and he is not satisfied that They are gone.

My children are suffering because of these "rules".
Anything I say will be brought back on them. More isolated from him and their sister.

Who do I turn to for help?

How awful for your children OP. Do you have a contact order or is this an arrangement between you?

Was there a mediation after you split or was it an oral agreement?

At 13 your DD is entitled to a say about where she lives. You probably need to speak to a solicitor about getting the residence order varied (if there is one).

Mediation broke down as he wanted his new partner involved.
No court involved in any child aspects.
We have just sorted financials through court and I don't think he is happy with the outcome.
Can a solicitor do anything with "just" rubbish parenting?

I think as they're children and he's causing mentioned distress to your teen it's definitely an issue. The fact she's not allowed to talk about you an feels the need to tread around him isn't healthy either. It'll maybe impact her over a prolonged period. I'm sure they could look at renegotiating the conditions if your daughter is truly unhappy

Your DD doesn't need a good reason not to want the 50/50 arrangement. She's just not happy. No room of her own. Not allowed the phone, not allowed to talk about you, and she's a girl! (Coming up to puberty, and needs her mum). I don't think this 50/50 business is going to last very long for any of your dc. Talk to DD about it and see what she wants to do.

How long have u been separated? Believe me it doesn't get any better I have been through all this, the problems just change, even when u think there is progress a different issue arises. You need to be though about your expectations and your rules and if he doesn't agree stop contact. Also I give my children the choice do u want to go to your dads this week!! Although you need the break they will appreciate you giving them the option.

Separated for 3 years.
I talk to DD all the time. She is as confused as I am. He was a fantastic father. But now he seems to be oblivious to her growing up,being a stroppy teenager. Even though she has done nothing to warrant close scrutiny.
I do try to take what she says framing it with "she's 13" but it actually makes me more worried. She's 13! Give her a break!
I just want her to be happy in both homes and it seems I can't make that happen without huge fallout.
If I say to him that she doesn't want to go over there I am very concerned as to what he will say to my younger children.

It does all work out things will get said to the kids but they are not stupid! They will work it out for themselves! Yes it's hard to go thru! I feel like my children hate me most of the time, but I know I'm doing what's right for them. Teens are the worst to deal with my nearly 12 yr old daughter constantly bad mouths me to her dad n we have been separated for 7 yrs , they play u off against each other to their advantage. U have a lot to come yet! Be strong. Be supportive. And try to be the bigger person in conflict with ur ex.

Similar situation here with 50:50; possessions not allowed to move between family homes; father does not allow teenage children to contact me etc. Sadly I dont think the family courts are very interested and for me it would mean going back to court (again) as mediation is a failure each and every time. I also have issues with ex partner wanting to be involved with discussions over contact. Boundaries are a real problem that no one seems willing to tackle. I feel very sorry for our children. And you are right it is awful parenting to have this blanket refusal to co-parent.

I've just been through court for a child arrangements order, different circumstances. I self-repped.

I would make my own application, which will bring in Cafcass. In my case they were fantastic. I know this isn't always the case. However, where you have a situation where a child is unhappy, I don't think you have a choice. Do you have to do 50/50? Do the kids WANT 50/50? If you can, take some legal advice. Head over to the single parents site Gingerbread, lots of help there. Personally, I would try and formalise this arrangement, an arrangement that works for the children. I really feel for you, my ex refuses to co-parent (not permitted to do so by girlfriend, who was the OW). The court had the measure of him and contact is very limited with zero overnights. My DS is only 8 (he was 7 when the contact was finalised) and the court put his welfare absolutely at the forefront. You are in a situation where mediation has been attempted and isn't possible. I know what I'd do. Good luck.

Thank you so much for all your replies. It helps so much to know I'm not alone.
Gingerbread! I'd never have thought of that! Thank you.
Having a slight idea of what to do next really helps.
Again. Thank you.

NC to comment on this.
This situation is practically a mirror of our situation. DSS’s resident parent is his mother. She left my now DP for someone else and became a control freak. DP fought through numerous court battles and false allegations in order to maintain contact.

It’s so sad. DSS not allowed photos of him with his dad at his mums house (he asked us for some and then his mother returned them!!) his mother will not allow phone /FaceTime contact at all (DP has even offered to purchase a phone /device specifically for this if mother not happy about DSS using his existing tablet/phone) DSS is not allowed to move possessions between homes e.g. he was given a Nintendo switch for Christmas and his mother kept it in the car for the full fortnight wouldn’t let him play on it and it got returned on next handover weekend.
The mother also got her partner involved in contact arrangements and refused any contact that wasn’t arranged through her partner. In the end my DP had to self rep and apply to court to sort that out. She also makes up her own rules with regard to court order e.g. refused to allow DP to collect DSS from school on a Friday if it was his weekend with dad because the order didn’t explicitly say that this was allowed. You’d think a grown adult would be able to apply common sense, but no. She only allows bare minimum contact. Never additional even if it would be helping her out with childcare etc.
Just wanted to pop on and say it’s not always the dad /NRP who does this, co-parenting unfortunately is impossible with a controlling narcissist regardless of residency/gender and the best bet (sadly) is not to bother trying. Less stress for everyone including the kids. At least the parent who has tried will know they have tried their best. As PP’s have said, kids grow up soon enough and work things out for themselves. They’ll realise how weird it is they aren’t allowed photos, aren’t allowed to take their OWN things between houses and aren’t allowed to phone their parent. Saying this as the Stepmum, please don’t get worked up over this OP.

At 13 my ds went nc with his df.
A judge would have your dd listened to .

@happydappydoo It's really difficult. I am the resident parent, my ex abandoned DS entirely (emailed school to give this fabulous news, wouldn't tell me). Then took me to court 18 months later making a big deal about not seeing DS and claiming "alienation" . OW is the narc control freak in our situation. I do not allow phonecalls outside of the order because I would be accused of harassment. I know this upsets my DS and he's only just turned 8 and does not understand the complexity of the situation. Despite making all the right "noises" in court, my ex has turned back into a complete prick, totally controlled by his girlfriend therefore I stick to the order like glue. Personally, I'd like things to be a bit more fluid and think it would be far better for DS. However, it's not to be...and you can guess who is painted to be the unreasonable parent can't you? It's an awful situation to be in. In this case, I think OP would be best putting this before the court as wishes and feelings of the children would be taken fully into consideration.

@TheFormidableMrsC I agree with you completely. As I understand it the OP doesn’t have a court order, but to be honest as the child is a teen, can make his/her own decisions and one would hope this would be reflected in the order made.
I hope my post didn’t offend, I just wanted to sympathise and express that it’s not always the NRP who is an awkward and difficult co-parent although I fully appreciate it is more often than not the NRP who leaves and turns into a t**t. From my comment, yours and the OP’s it really does just demonstrate the sad reality of one parent not putting the child’s needs and interests ahead of their own and there is no point even attempting to co parent with someone who is unwilling to. In the same way that you stick to the order due to your ex’s behaviour, my DP no longer bothers trying to make additional arrangements, fluidity, co-parenting etc (the final statement in his order is “there shall be any additional arrangements agreed between the parties” so clearly the judge expects them to work it out) bless him, he even used to send the ex photos of events he had taken DSS to (swimming competitions, football matches etc) where he had won medals etc he was just trying to be a normal reasonable co-parent and there really is no point! It is never appreciated or reciprocated and less stressful for everyone to just keep things as basic and minimal as possible. It’s just so sad though.

My daughter was allowed a say at age 11 on her choice to see her father, and was listened to, court order was based around her wants (no more overnights)

At 13 your dd is more than old enough to choose.

She is 13 there is no CO I would give her the choice of whether she wants to go or not.

How old are the other DC?

As an aside get the DC to learn your phone number off by heart!!!

@happydappydoo No no, you didn't offend at all to be clear. It's just that these situations are so complex and you are totally right in that there is absolutely no point. My ex was sent on a 15 week course on how to co-parent. All he learned was the catchphrase "child centred". He is not allowed to co-parent with me, it's as simple as that. I am sorry for my son that the girlfriend is SO threatened by me that my ex put in his position statement that he "and his partner" were BOTH willing to co-parent with me, they wanted some sort of triumvirate parenting arrangement written into the order. Er, no..and magistrates agreed. We are his parents, she is a girlfriend, they are not married and never will be (another story entirely). She's unpleasant to my DS and when I pulled ex up on this recently, I got two emails full of the most vile narc abuse from her. I went to the police I'm afraid as we are going to have to go back to court (again, another story) and it needs to be recorded for searches. I hate it. It's unnecessary, harmful to our DS and completely avoidable. It was his birthday at the weekend and I can't send his father pictures or anything like it as he is now not permitted to use WhatsApp as it can't be monitored in the same way as his other messages with phone pairing. He goes along with all of this, he could grow a pair of balls but chooses not to. I have much the same line in my court order. It is never going to happen. He has very limited contact, no overnights and that means no room for me to rebuild my life either. I just HOPED for a situation where we could work together for the sake of our boy (who also has autism...something I "elevate" according to the girlfriend) and be able to communicate effectively and build up much better longer term contact. I have tried and tried and tried. I still maintain that a court order is better than none, even more so when you're dealing with dreadful ex's...it's the only protection you have and the only fallback when things go wrong. I feel terrible for anybody in these situations but particulary the children who do not emerge unscathed

@TheFormidableMrsC how I wish you were my dP’s ex! And that my DP was your ex... pie in the sky I know but imagine a world where both parents are like you and my DP...
your scenario is hauntingly similar to my DP’s, it’s exactly the same! Ex’s partner was sending awful messages to my DP threatening that he wouldn’t see his son again (what on earth has it got to do with him!) and behaving as if he was one of DSD’s parents.. both my DP and his ex were sent on a parenting course, the ex was the one blocking contact but I think the judge sent both out of fairness. My DP really enjoyed it and saw it as an opportunity to grow and develop, but when the course trainer person asked why exactly he was there she was shocked to hear that it was the resident parent who was being controlling. Interestingly there was a mother on the course the same day as DP and she was completely against contact and wanted to control it, and my DP was explaining the other side to her, that it only ends up hurting the child etc. DP has a glowing report back but never got to know how the ex got on. Presumably she didn’t learn anything!
They were also sent for psychological evaluation (after the ex made false allegations DP was mentally unwell ) the report that came back was basically, DP wanted to maintain contact and didn’t see why separation from his ex should mean no relationship, ex’s report was that she wanted to control contact to an unhealthy degree and was unable placing DSS’s needs ahead of her own, and was of the opinion her new partner was an acceptable substitute for DSS’s actual father who wanted to maintain contact. It’s a pity the court didn’t take more notice of that report.
Agree completely re. Court order, it serves to protect, although I will say in the case where the NRP is playing silly games, the order can’t force the NRP to have contact. But it can force a RP to make kids available for contact and would need to return to court to have any arrangement varied. I would hope if OP does go to court that there is a provision in the order than contact with Dad is at eldest’s discretion, I.e. if she wants to go then she can and if she doesn’t then there is no obligation on OP to make her available. I don’t know from experience if this is possible!

Sorry DSD should read DSS, I’ve got clumsy fingers 😂