Separation anxiety?

[Smeghead90]

Me and my partner have split up recently and my little boy who is 3 is really struggling to be away from his dad. We have 50/50 custody but on the days I have him he frets for his dad. He’s fine during the day but after his bath and he’s getting ready for bed he starts asking for him and starts getting increasingly upset. He gets really distraught and cries for at least an hour and then when he does finally sleep he is really unsettled. I’m just unsure what to do I keep him here with me even if he’s asking to go with his dad? Or do I let him go to his dads when he wants? I don’t want any long term emotional effects on him so please if anyone has any experience of this give me your ideas thank you!

I have had children here as a cm who miss there parents . Usually worse when tired . At 3 maybe do a chart of how many sleeps distract at bedtime . Stories . New bed light quilt cover . Just a change can change the situation.

Children also do adapt really quickly . I would imagine letting him go would likely increase the behaviour.

Transitional objects can work well can he have a travelling teddy which goes between both houses so he sleeps where the bear does

It will take some getting used to for him. Have you got a picture of his dad that you could frame and put next to his bed? So he can look at it if he misses him? Or get one of those pillows you can print a picture on so that he's still got daddy close at night?
As the above comment says children do adapt and it is bound to be worse when he's tired. Is there any way his dad could come and help put him to bed at night? It could become part of the routine so he still sees his dad at yours and when he seems to want him the most? Otherwise I would say give it time and if he is adamant it is his dad that he wants then maybe explore him staying there or more regular visits (not to be rude I just didn't know how often he saw him)

Although what I've said about his dad putting him to bed could backfire if he isn't available one night and the only option is for you to do it. So you might not want to use that idea after all

He stays with his dad 4 nights a week and I have them 3 nights as I work and he doesn’t. I think if his dad came to put him to bed would make things worse. He’s still in bed with me and his dad when he’s there so I’m working on doing his room up next month and I’m hoping a new bedroom will help. Just hoping his dad is on board with it at his house otherwise it could make things worse when he’s at mine

Oh I see.. yeah his dad definitely needs to be on board and you both need to be doing the same thing. Hopefully him moving into his room will help with the separation anxiety when he realises it's not completely awful on his own.
I'm currently in the process of trying to get dd back into her own room because she's been getting in with me for about 6 months now, and she's just getting used to it

I don’t think his dad will do it at the same time as me to be honest he’s of the thinking he’ll do it in his own time. So I can see it causing problems. So do I put him in his own rooms regardless of whether his dad does at his house?

I split from my Ex when my children were 1.5 and 3. I know it’s really hard on you as mum right now and you can see how the change is impacting him. I went down the path of honesty. I told them mum and dad argued too much, it wasn’t very nice for anyone, so we love in two homes now and now we can all be friends. I talked about dad ALL THE TIME so they didn’t feel an impact of his absence, and talked about when we would se him next. I’d bring it up before they had a chance to. I’d sometimes FaceTime him too so they could see him. Maybe bring up the subject of dad at bed time before he gets a chance to lament him?

I didn’t need to keep it up for long. They soon seemed to feel the guarantee of his presence whether it was in person or not and stopped showing any interest in video calling him. They are 3 and 5 now and are really great little kids. I just had the 5yo’s parent teacher meeting, and she told me how well DD is doing, and whatever I’m doing at home to keep it up because she’s a lovely, sociable happy child. Being from a separated parents home isn’t a bad thing.

I feel upset for you, I can imagine how stressful this is. You’ll figure it out and your son will be fine. It’ll get better for you - for you both xxx

I would do whatever you need to do at your house. Kids need some kind of boundaries I've found that with my daughter. It's easier to have them in with you and they find it easier them self but I find for me and dd we both sleep better separately and the longer she went on sleeping in my bed the harder it was to get her back into her own. My niece still gets into her parents bed every night and she is 8 so I didn't want to end up in that situation. You could maybe do a night every few weeks where you both have a bit of a sleepover in your room?